


Professional Pretenders

by fireandthethud



Category: Arctic Monkeys
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Boys Kissing, Break Up, Cheating, Drunk Sex, Gay Male Character, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, LSD, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Recreational Drug Use, Smut, Unresolved Sexual Tension, jamex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-28
Updated: 2015-06-17
Packaged: 2018-03-15 14:46:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 47,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3450989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireandthethud/pseuds/fireandthethud
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Humbug era brought with it many new things, one of which happened to be Jamie and Alex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> All recognizable elements are the property of their respective owners. The remaining content is mine.
> 
> And I'm sorry if you're against smut, but there's plenty of it here sooo..

He had had several opportunities to say something, to do something, so that they could be upfront and honest about how they felt about one another. He decided, at the age of twenty four, that this was his chance.

*******

He sat in a musty hotel room, in Los Angeles, California, his suitcases packed and ready by the door, while he himself sat on the bed opposite the bathroom door.

His hair, that he had grown out since their second album, fell into his eyes as he examined the buttons on his cell phone, pretending that it was turned on and that he was sending a text. The text read:

_"I want you to know that it's not in my intentions to hurt you, but that I can't keep this together anymore. I know that you love me, and for that I am flattered, but I haven't been honest with you, until now. I'm gay. Although you are so lovely, I can't do this anymore, it just doesn't feel right. I'm sorry."_

He blinked a couple of times, brushing some hair out of his eyes and tucking it behind his ears, as he glared at his blank cell phone screen. He wanted to send that text.

*******

Ten minutes went by and he decided he would call her. He dialed her number, and as the phone rang, his mind wandered to who he thought of when the word 'gay' slipped into his thoughts. The thought of the boy he was in love with.

No, he thought, as he corrected himself – man.

He was in love with another man. They were no longer boys.

Now they were men, no longer eighteen but twenty-four, heading off to the Californian desert in a couple of hours to work on their third album.

What a long time ago, he thought.

The reckless love and the stupid infatuation – yes, he still carried it with him - had begun during their tour for their first album.

Before that, there had been boys he had fancied, boys he had kissed, and that was that. Never had he liked a friend in this light, but he did now.

He had never slept with a boy, only girls, and perhaps that was what he was afraid of..? No. No, it would not be that, there was more that he feared – mainly, he feared the isolation and disgust that sometimes occurred once people came out of the closet.

Despite the fact that his friends were like his brothers and that his parents were relatively understanding, there was still that fear, underlying all the potential of him being open with his sexuality. It frustrated him, how he was scared of the way that he would be seen. It also frustrated him that he could not summon the strength and be able to admit it.

Ah, how unfortunate that he had always been so self-conscious.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, she picked up and he could hear the smile in her voice.

She was always happy to hear from him, though this time he knew it would not end with happiness.

“Jameh?”

“Uh, hi, Katie.”

“What’s up, love?”

She sounded so giddy on the phone, he had not called her in a while.

“Nothing really.. but that’s not the point..”

He could picture her scowling as she spoke into the receiver of her cell phone, “Haha, wait, what do you mean?”

He took a deep breath, and when he exhaled his voice was shaky, “Katie, I can’t do this anymore, I’m really sorry.”

Katie’s voice sounded surprised, though she replied rather quickly, “What do you mean?”

“I mean I-I’m breakin’ up with you.”

She was quiet, and Jamie was scared to speak.

After a few moments, he heard her sniffle and he knew she was crying by the way she spoke: “Why? Is it ‘cause I’m away? Look-“

“No, Katie, it’s not because of you-“

She switched from crying to exasperated shouting: “If it’s not me, what is it then?”

As the words passed his lips, Jamie felt relieved (after holding them in for years), yet he also felt slightly ill – he had been lying for years.

“I’m gay.”

There was a pause, and Katie gave an odd laugh, “Are you serious?”

He was not laughing, “I’m not lyin’. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. Really, I am, but I feel so bad for not tellin’ you before.”

“.. This.. This isn’t recent?”

“No.. I think it’s been here since I was sixteen.”

“Oh..”

“Yeah.. Katie-“

“If you’re goin’ to console me, Jameh – don’t. I don’t want to hear it.”

He remained quiet, feeling his heart beat slowly calm down.

The worst was over, was it not?

He waited and waited, now completely unsure of what to say.

After what seemed like decades, Katie spoke:

“At least I didn’t find out by walkin’ in on you and some other man..”

“Yeah, I ‘suppose..”

“.. Or at least we’re not married with children, and then you tell me..”

She gave an odd chuckle, and Jamie assumed by then that it was alright to laugh along.

He did not dare touch upon the friend subject, for he knew that he and Katie could never be “friends”. Perhaps, after this, they could be “acquaintances”, yet never friends.

Katie had been too in love, and Jamie would be too awkward, therefore it would never work. And even if he brought it up and they said they could give it a go, they would both know that those agreements would be fake as fuck and not worth anything.

No point in lying anymore.

“Maybe I’ll see you around, Jameh.”

“Yeah..”

“’Bye.”

Katie Downs hung up on him and that was that.

After her phone had ended the call and all he heard was the sound of his own breathing, he whispered a quiet “Bye” in return, and turned off his phone. That was that. The lying was done. 

*******

His phone buzzed in his hand, as the screen lit up.

_"Matt: 'Meet us in the lobby. Bus is on its way.'"_

With an exhale, he hoisted himself off the bed.

Tucking some strands of hair behind his ear, he walked over towards the door of his room where his suitcases rested. Pulling out the handle, he slipped his phone in his pocket, and opened the door, pulling his luggage behind him.

The floors were carpeted and difficult to maneuver, especially since his heavier suitcase already had a damaged wheel. As he neared the staircase that would lead him to the hotel lobby, the right wheel of his suitcase came flying off and rolled away.

"Shit," he cursed under his breath, as he stopped walking when the heavier suitcase tipped to the side.

He laid the suitcases against the wall, as he hunched over and squinted, searching the detailed carpet for the small black wheel.

His hair kept falling in his eyes as he began walking down the hall.

He was distracted, and did not notice the other figure pulling his own luggage down the hallway, until his shoulder slammed into something hard and he fell to the ground. He scowled, as he had hurt his lower back, and brushed away the locks of hair that were blocking his vision.

As he did so, the voice of the person who had knocked him over spoke up:

"Shit, sorry Jameh. Didn't see you there, you alright?"

"Uh.. Yeah –"from the corner of his eyes, he saw to the small wheel in his hand –"Thanks."

His eyes first spotted the pointy dress shoes on the other boy's feet, then, his faded jeans, the white button down, the golden locket that shimmered in the bright lighting. The bushy, brown locks of hair that reached his ears and covered his forehead, the chapped lips that made him want to stand up and kiss them, and finally, the warm, pleasant, brown eyes that met his with a smile.

"Here," Alex said, tossing the wheel at Jamie (who caught it), and outstretching his hand to help him up, "Didn't mean to knock you over."

His words were hinted with a laugh, that laugh he had made things better. It just sounded although it was true, not fake like the many laughs he heard on the streets of glossy Los Angeles.

Al's laugh made him think he home.

He blushed immensely, adding even more redness to his naturally tinted cheeks, as Alex grasped his hand and helped him up. The way his fingers grasped against his own hands made electricity spark through him and run around like wild.

Once he was up, they walked over to the suitcases, so Jamie could repair the broken wheel.

"Need help?" Alex asked, as Jamie was crouched on the floor, attempting to re-attach the wheel.

"No..," Jamie replied through gritted teeth. He was embarrassed that he looked like he was struggling with a dumb wheel, "It's supposed… to just click back into place."

Alex laughed as Jamie flushed, "Has it clicked yet?"

There was a soft sound, _'click'_ , and Jamie stood up, grinning more to himself than to Alex, and spoke proudly, "It has."

Alex wheeled his own suitcases over, and together, they made their way down the hall, towards the stairs. They made polite small talk, throwing in a joke here and there, which was fine.

They reached the lobby of the hotel, to find Matt, Nick and John (their _"secret organist"_ , as Alex called him) seated in the plush lobby chairs, dressed in pants and long sleeved shirts, despite the warm weather. Nick noticed them first, calling out both their names, to which Matt and John turned and waved.

Jamie smiled at the sound of his friends calling him.

Everything was splendid, until he felt curly hair brush against the exposed back of his neck. A joking grin burning on the owner's lips, "Don't break your other wheel, Jameh."

Jamie hid his blushing cheeks from view, by allowing his hair to fall onto his face, while he captured the feeling of Alex's warm breath against his skin and the way his hair had tickled his ears. It may have sounded odd, yet these small moments (that Alex surely only viewed as platonic, unfortunately) sent butterflies fluttering in his stomach and flowers blooming in his lungs.

*******

As they waited for Josh Homme's bus to arrive, the sun began to hang low in the sky, and Matt began telling jokes to pass the time.

As the sky turned a light orange, Alex decided that it would be nice if they could go outside and sit there instead of the lobby. He said that lobbies made him feel although he was being forced to remain inside; therefore he preferred to be outside, regardless of the weather.

They all wheeled their luggage outside and sat on the white lawn chairs.

Matt said he was hungry, as he pulled his camera out of his back pack and asked if anyone had any food.

"I have oranges," Nick spoke up, as Alex pulled out his Marlboro cigarettes from his jean pocket and lit the tip of one.

Matt grimaced, while Alex offered cigarettes, "I've already had concerns with oranges...”

John chuckled, "Oh? What concern?"

Matt squinted as the sunlight caught his eyes, "I have, well sort of .. A fear of peelin' oranges."

John scowled, "What?"

"I fookin' know this one," Alex spoke up, as clouds of smoke floated past his lips in thick, gray clouds, "Told me about this back in when we were ten."

"Al-" came Matt's embarrassed response.

"He's scared that if he peels an orange, he'll mess it up, and then somehow ruin the orange." Jamie chimed in.

Matt shot him a look, and for a moment Jamie thought that he was angry, until he rolled his eyes and laughed, "Yes, see, that's it."

John smiled kindly, saying that he had encountered people with worse fears than peeling oranges incorrectly, while Nick sighed and peeled Matt his orange.

Meanwhile, Alex was halfway through his cigarette as he offered the packet to the men there. John declined, Nick selected a cigarette and lit it with a lighter from his pocket, and Matt declined (saying: "It'll ruin the taste of me orange, Al").

Jamie was not even offered a cigarette, for Alex had caught him glancing at the burning tip and passed him the cigarette packet, telling him (firmly) to take one because he looked like he wanted one.

Jamie nodded and thanked him as he selected a cigarette, and was about to reach for the lighter in his own pocket, when Alex leaned in and lit the tip of his cigarette with his lighter. Jamie's eyes drew to the tiny flicker of light that ignited the cigarette, and when it was gone, the brown eyes masked behind the locks of brown curls.

He blushed when their eyes locked, and blushed even more so when Alex spoke: "No need to thank me, Jameh."

*******

When the bus pulled in, Nick and Jamie had finished their cigarettes, while Alex had just crushed the bud of his second cigarette underneath his shoe.

Out of the bus, came Josh Homme himself, exchanging firm handshakes with all the men there.He told them he was happy to be able to record this album with them, and they all thanked him and agreed.

Once their luggage had been packed above their seats on the tour bus, they found room on each settled down in their own way.

Josh lit a cigarette as he took the wheel, Matt put his headphone on and started listening to some mix tape he had heard from a while ago, Jamie watched as the streets started becoming highway roads, John pulled out a book, and Nick relaxed and tried to catch some sleep.

Alex opened his window a bit, despite being told by John that he would later receive an ear ache, and lit another cigarette. He pursed his lips as he exhaled through his mouth and out the window, watching as the smoke disappeared in a matter of seconds.

Casually, he leaned over Jamie's chair, his hair falling into his face and tickling his nose, and spoke, the cigarette still in his lips, "Want some, love?"

Jamie, who had had his eyes slightly close (listening the sound of the bus rattle on the highway, lulling him to sleep), now awake, turned to him, "Of your cigarette?"

Alex laughed, "What else?"

Jamie chuckled along, though he had other ideas in mind, "Yeah. Pass it here."

Of course, Alex did not listen, he rarely did. Instead of passing him the cigarette, the younger man leaned in, licking his lips as a casual habit, and placed the cigarette in Jamie's mouth.

He watched him inhaled and exhale through his nose a couple times, before taking it away, teasing him, and saying that if he wanted more he would have to ask. Jamie declined, for the feeling of Alex's fingers against his lips made him shudder with pleasure. He feared if they were close like that again, it would turn him on and then everyone would know what was going on in his mind.

He did not want that, at least not now.

*******

Half an hour into their trip, Jamie told his friends about Katie and how they were over.

They all expressed their condolences, and how they were sorry that it was cut short, yet all they wanted was that he was ok. After all, he and Katie had been a thing for two years already. That made sense, for them to say that, since Jamie had not got into detail about why they had broken up. He had merely said _"it just wasn't workin' out."_

*******

Two hours in, they were nearly there, and by now Alex had switched spots so that he was sitting next to Jamie. Jamie, along with most of the other people of the bus, was half-awake, while Alex was rambling about what he wanted to do once they go to Joshua Tree.

Along with recording and drinking, he mumbled excitedly into Jamie's ear: "Trip, I want to fookin' trip."

Jamie scowled, the words sounding foreign to his ears, sounding as if they meant what he hoped they did not mean, "What?"

Alex let out a small giggle, "You know what I mean, Jameh."

Groggily, Jamie eyed Alex from the corner of his eye, "Clarify."

Alex smiled as he spoke, and Jamie had a feeling that he had researched every bit of information on the topic and yet he still wanted to continue with it. Although he hoped this would put him at ease and stop his worrying, Jamie was unsure of what he felt about the topic.

"Lysergic Acid Diethylamide. Or as it's more commonly known name, LSD."

"I know. I know... But what interests you so much, Al?"

Alex took a deep breath, the intelligence and calm in him swallowed the childlike excitement, he became serious as he stated his facts: "People have written some of the best songs when on that – John Lennon is a prime example. Also, they say it opens up your horizons and it really changes the way you think abo-"

"So it fooks you up?"

Alex rolled his eyes, "No. Well, if you're careful about what you do, you'll be fine. If you drop some depressed, you'll trip depressed, you have to be sure that there's at least one sober person there to guide you, and if you feel the effects of a bad trip startin', they say to leave that place so that the feelin' goes away."

"Who are they?" Jamie rubbed his eyes, as Alex continued:

"I've read everythin' I could about the topic.’They' are people who have documented their experiences online. And Josh's told me some tips."

Jamie sighed, "He's in on this?"

"'Course! He's findin' someone for us in a couple weeks."

The bus drove on, nearing Joshua Tree with every passing minute. The sky was by now an inky black, sticky and dark, and Jamie slowly accepted the idea of his friend tripping.

By the time the bus was parked in front of the motel (located near the outskirts of Joshua Tree), the two of them had formed a plan – before the dealer was contacted and the drugs were paid for and all, they would discuss the idea in depth with Nick and Matt. They decided to keep John mostly in the dark about the situation, since even though he was their friend, he did not have to know about what drugs they planned to do while staying in the dessert.

*******

The motel had a nice lobby, yet unlike the hotel in Los Angeles, the stairway, hallways and rooms were not – they were dark and dingy, smelling a of summer warmth and some odd air freshener that neither of them could recognize.

Each band member (John included) had their own room.

Each room included a small bathroom (a bath tub with a shower head hanging above, a toilet, a small sink, and a mirror above the sink), a kitchenette (a couple of overhead cupboards, a small fridge, a counter space, a minuscule oven and a sink), an open living room (complete with a television and DVD player, coffee table, loveseat, and armchair) and a bedroom (the only room enclosed with four walls apart from the bathroom. It held a queen sized bed, a nightstand, an armoire, and a window overlooking the national park in the distance).

Once they had shuffled off the bus, collected their suitcases and signed in, Josh bid them farewell, saying that he would hear from them tomorrow so they could begin recording. They made their way, each band mate heading to their own room.

Josh and Nick had rooms on the second floor, while Matt, Alex and Jamie had rooms on the third floor.

The first floor of the motel held the lobby; therefore no one had a room on that floor.

*******

Despite the fact that Jamie had been tired on the bus ride, he lay restless and awake in his new bed.

His window was closed, the white curtains drawn, and he listened to the rumbling of the pipes next door.

From the noises they made, Alex was taking a shower. He shut his eyes and tried to think of other things than imagining the younger man naked...

What would he do? What could he say to Alex? He realized that things would have been much simpler if his situation only included him coming out to his mates, yet that was unfortunately not the case. He would be coming out, yes, yet he was also painfully in love with one of his longest friends who already had a girlfriend. What would this cause, what sort of friction? Better yet, would there be friction at all? Alex and Alexa had been together ever since 2007 (before that, there had been Johanna), they were quite clearly happy – therefore, what would Jamie be?

Would he be their downfall, the one to tear them apart?

He did not want to be, yet he believed it would happen if he came out to Alex (about being gay and about liking him). Or was he just over thinking it all, his lack of sleep getting the better of him?

Next door the pipes stopped rumbling, so he decided it was best to get some sleep.

Regardless of what followed him into his dreams.

*******

They spent the early morning recording and this continued into the mid afternoon. Throughout the day, Joshua Tree was a pleasant and intriguing town, the earth was golden and the a cloudless blue. Joshua Trees (the plant that the town was known for) scattered the ground, here and there – Jamie was fascinated by the cacti, though Nick was not to keen of getting close to them (he did not want to fall on them).

By the time their recording was done, they had covered some new techniques with Josh, also, started on a couple of riffs for the bass guitar and some patterns for Matt to use when drumming. As they were leaving Rancho De La Luna, (a small, rock-resembling building, full of instrumentals of all sorts and lots of cool tapestries) the sun was high in the sky and Jamie overheard Alex humming the tune to "Matador".

Honestly, he thought that the younger man had forgotten that song, they had not performed it in years.

It was blazing hot outside, as they walked into the air-conditioned motel - all of them crashed at Matt's room.

John was contemplating going back to LA for a bit and being with his wife, and they all told him that it was up to him, his own decision, since they were not the type of people to force him to stay if he did not want to. He said that he would "think about it".

Jamie sat down on the loveseat, Nick brought out the beers from the fridge, Matt brought his camera from the safe in his room, and Alex leaned against the back of the loveseat, an unlit cigarette dangling from his lips. Nick opened his own beer, placing the others on the coffee table, as Matt walked in the room, his Polaroid hanging around his neck.

The drummer scowled at the sight of the cigarette, "Not in here, you'll stink up the room, Al."

"I opened the window for you, Helders." Alex replied, "And besides, I found meself an ashtray so I'm all set. No ashes on the carpet."

Jamie chuckled and Matt sighed.

Alex asked Jamie for a lighter, while Nick spoke up, saying that even if there was a mess, he could clean it up since he was the "stereotypical housewife" of them all. He was the neatest (even more so than Al), and "his cooking was exceptional."

Jamie lit the cigarette and Alex thanked him, throwing his head in air, exhaling, smoke drifting past his curls.

Jamie avoided this sight as much as he could; focusing on his beer and the dirty joke Matt was telling.

Alex inhaled, and then exhaled sharply through his nose as Nick sipped his beer.

Jamie noticed the younger man tense up slightly as he sat down next to him.

His fingers drummed nervously on his thighs as he smoked away, and Matt cocked his head sideways, "What's up, Al?"

Alex gave a thin smile, before speaking, "Well – Jamie knows about this – an', I was thinkin'.. I want to experiment summat while we're here."

Nick set his drink down on the table, paying attention to the conversation now, "Experiment with what?"

Alex gave an odd, slightly embarrassed laugh, as if he was somewhat ashamed of admitting his little secret, "Acid."

"What?" Came Matt's frown and shocked voice.

 _"Acid._ "

"I _know_ , I heard you.. And wait, what do you mean?"

"Be specific." Nick spoke up.

"He means LSD," Jamie replied. Internally, he was surprised with how calmly he regarded the subject. A part of him wanted to be more firm, more against his friend using LSD – yet he was not, "he told me on the bus. He's thought it all through and – surprise – he's read everythin' there is to read about it."

"So wait, you're ok with this?"

"No – well – not quite at least. I mean, I would stop him if I could, but Alex's researched it all. I know it isn't the best thing for him out there, but if he knows what he's doing, it's ok... I 'suppose. Anyway, I'm not doing it – so I'm assumin' you two aren't either – therefore one of us can watch over him."

"Well, if you lot are gonna experiment, I'll stay sober." Came Matt's voice.

Nick chuckled, "Guess I'll drink."

"What about you, Jameh?" Alex inquired, puffing on the last of his first cigarette before crushing it in the ashtray on the table.

He selected a new one rather rapidly, lit it, and looked at Jamie - awaiting a response.

"Drink, I 'suppose? I'm personally not tempted by anything your dealer has to offer."

Matt sipped his beer, and snapped a quick photograph of Alex and Jamie sitting on the couch talking, "Who knows the dealer?"

"Josh."

The camera shuttered and a photo slipped out of its side. Matt pulled it out, casually, and then shook the image a bit, generating the photograph.

"When d'you think of doing it?" Nick asked Matt's camera shuttered again, this time catching a photo of Nick, his drink in hand, mouth-slightly open, midway through his sentence. Nick rolled his eyes at the photo, smiling a bit, as Alex puffed on his cigarette and replied:

"Three weeks time."

*******

By the time the designated date to trip rolled by, they had written five solid songs with the aid of Josh Homme and John Ashton.

Their titles were already certain, yet their meanings were not.

Alex had opened up about _"Fire and the Thud"_ (how it was based off of Alexa, and how it dealt with their long-distance relationship), yet other than their meanings were much a mystery.

*******

Alex's cell phone rang in the pocket of his jeans, as they all hung out in Nick's room.

John had decided that he would indeed spend a few weeks with his wife, yet he was ready to return to their desert retreat whenever they needed him.

Nick had made them all sandwiches, which Matt and the chef himself ate rather quickly. Meanwhile

Jamie packed a couple of left-over sandwiches in his backpack in case they got hungry afterwards. Along with the sandwiches, he packed some granola bars, water bottles and apples. Alex had told him in person that he needed to do this, because tripping usually made people rather hungry.

Despite how serious and how Alex stressed the little details, he was rather calm. "Jameh, fook, I can't wait for this, God."

Excited, really, was a better word to describe the situation.

Alex slipped his hand in his pocket and plucked out his phone. He flipped it open and answered the caller. "Yeah it's me ... 'Right... Yeah, we've got it right here... Ok, see you in a few..."

He hung up, closed his phone, then returned it to its place. Running his hands through his hair, then brushing some strands out of his eyes, Alex turned to his friends: "He's on his way, he told us to wait for him in the back."

Nick nodded as he sipped his water, "'Right. Well, take everythin' you need with you, because Matt and I are goin' out to look around town for a couple hours, maybe get some cool photos. I'll be lockin' the room and takin' the key with me, so I guess you guys can stay in either one of your rooms until we get back."

Jamie nodded and slung on his backpack, as Alex shoved the money in his pocket and the two of them left Nick's room.

Alex strutted through the hallway with a swing in his step, while Jamie followed closely behind him.

He would not admit it, yet he enjoyed walking behind Al.. He enjoyed the view he unintentionally received, it made him feel a bit warm inside.

They walked downstairs and exited through the front of the motel, giving a polite wave to the receptionist at the front desk. Not only because they did not want to seem like something was up, yet because she was a kind girl (who Alex believed secretly fancied either Jamie or Matt – personally, Jamie did not find her attractive, though he did not know about Matt).

As they exited the hotel, the sun shone brightly above them. It illuminated their sun-kissed skin (only that way because of their location, otherwise they were rather pale) and cast warm golden rays on their dark clothes.

As they turned and began walking to the back of the motel, Jamie decided to strike up conversation:

"How long will it last?"

Alex chuckled, "I think I told you before, but if I didn't, it's supposed to last roughly twelve hours-"

"Woah!"

"-I know!"

Jamie squinted through the strong lighting and sped-up his pace, wanting to reach the nearest Joshua Tree, so that he could at least imagine he was not standing in the boiling rays of the sun.

He spoke up once more, "How much are you payin' for again, Al?"

"Two tabs." the other man beamed

"Wait, what's this bloke look like?"

This was a genuine question. Not like the two previous questions Jamie had asked, just so that he could hear Alex's voice flood his mind and fill him up. This was an actual question, for he had no idea who they were looking for.

From what they had gathered, as they continued to walk through the desert-area, was that the dealer would not be in a car (the road was in the opposite direction, after all), instead, that he (Jamie had been informed early on that the dealer was a man – due to his name, "Carl", and how deep his voice was) would be arriving on foot.

"Dunno, really," Alex replied, as he fixed his messy hair. It had begun to grow a while ago, more bushy and thick, now passing his ear and reaching his neck, "Though, he told me he's wearin' brown pants, a black shirt and gray Converse."

Jamie squinted once more, then discretely motioned to a figure in the distance, "That him, mate?"

*******

Once their money had been spent and the front man had two small pieces of colourful paper in his hands, they began walking towards the Joshua Tree National Park. There, they could waste away a couple of hours.

Mid-way there, they stopped so Alex could ingest the drugs. He slipped both tabs in his mouth and chewed on the paper.

"What's it taste like?" Jamie asked

"I'll call up Carl, if you want to try some yourself."

He snorted, then asked again. "Sorta chewy.. But the thing itself has no taste, or no smell."

"Makes it sound dangerous that way, if you ask me."

"In me eyes, I find it's rather interestin'."

*******

They had been walking for forty minutes through the National Park, when Jamie noticed the way that Alex cocked his head sideways from time to time.

"Al?"

Silence.

"Alex?"

Nothing.

Jamie took a step towards the brown haired man, fearful for a second that he would trip over his own feet.

"Fookin'-"

A thin hand reached out and wrapped itself around Jamie's shoulders, the body it belonged to weighing him down a bit, and laughter erupting from its owner's lips:

"I'm only kiddin' with you, Jameh! I hear you fine … just, this is all sort of.. delightful."

Alex licked his dry lips, lazily allowing his hand to slip from Jamie's shoulders to his lower back. Jamie forced a smile and remained as casual as he could to the gesture.

They walked a bit more, watching as the sun began to slowly hang lower in the sky with each passing hour, counting how many cacti they could see in the hour and discussing and critiquing the odd clothing of all the American tourists that they occasionally saw around the park.

Jamie liked Joshua Tree.

Yes, he had seen more than anyone would expect from a twenty-four year old from a Yorkshire suburb, yet this specific park fascinated him. He had seen Europe, America, Oceania and most of Asia by the time he was nineteen, Alex eighteen.

What he found interest and intrigue in his current setting: the Joshua Trees, the sky exploding with colour, his love interest tripping next to his own sober self. He knew quite clearly why; he would never witness this exact moment again.

There might be small hints and dapples of déjà-vu as he grew in age, yet never again would he ever experience _this_ again.

Shit, even though he was no photographer, no Matthew Helders, he wished he could borrow a camera and capture it all on a single slip of paper.

*******

The sunset was explosive and lovely and it hurt Jamie's eyes to look at it for too long, to be honest.

Two hours in on Alex's trip, and they sat on the dusty, hard ground, Jamie's backpack wide open, revealing the contents inside.

The blue-eyed man rubbed his eyes as he sipped his water and took a bite from Nick's sandwich. Alex on the other hand, ravenously ate his granola bars and nearly choked on his water (literally – Jamie had to pat his back a couple times).

As the sunset melted into a darkening sky, Jamie checked his watch – five twenty-three.

His scratched his head and lifted himself off the ground, brushing the dirt off his clothes and picking up his backpack and litter. He eyed the other boy on the ground, as he rubbed his arms to stay warm.

Alex looked up at Jamie, his pupils now fully dilated, and smiled as he spoke: "You're cold?"

Jamie shrugged, "A bit."

Alex laughed, his voice giggling as his shoulders shook, and Jamie took this in as one of the first signs that he was tripping _"balls"_ (as Josh put it, really).

Alex pocketed his own garbage, as he struggled to stand.

Jamie sighed and bent over, helping Alex to his feet as the brown haired boy wobbled left and right, his eyes appearing wide open and a slightly dazed look plastered on his face.

"You good, Al?"

Alex turned and beamed as he gripped onto Jamie's shoulders for support .. it felt although his legs were momentarily weak.

His mind was busy though, his eyes studying the shapes that danced on top of what was their desert setting.

He inhaled Jamie's scent and he swore that he saw it, as if it were an actual smoke, while it traveled to his nostrils.

"You see that?"

"Course, love."

Alex giggled. He leaned in and mumbled into Jamie's ear:

"Know you're _lyin'_ , but you make it look like _fun_.."

Jamie did not really know what Alex was talking about, yet he laughed along because all he wanted to do was get home.

He had enjoyed his time in the desert, but he was ready to be back in his own room with a beer by now.

Might as well, after all this would last another ten hours.

_******* _

_"Shit."_

"What's up, Jameh?"

Alex detached himself from Jamie, walking backwards clumsily, his head bobbing up and down, the last, faint rays of light catching on his golden pendant and sticking out through the darkness. He spun in place, then whirled around, as he was a children's trinket, a toy, or a ballerina performing her famous pirouette. He giggled and laughed as if he had just heard a good joke, and he nearly toppled over several times.

Jamie released a growl of frustration, as he sped up and caught onto Alex's arm.

He pulled the boy's body near his, to stop him from falling over and drawing more attention to them.

 _"Alex,"_ he hissed, "stop it. There are _people_ here."

Alex buried his head against Jamie's neck, as the older man struggled to drag them both back towards the motel.

He could see it in the distance, thank God, yet there was also a middle-aged couple nearby.

They were in earshot, and as the two figured neared the motel with each step, the couple could distinguish them better.

Jamie, of course, did not know these two, and neither did Alex.

What made him uncomfortable was the way the blonde woman with gray roots eyed them as they walked by, and he mumbled a pathetic, dumb excuse about how they were just really _"tired"_.

She could tell what was going on.

Perhaps she had tripped in the past, perhaps she had been around people high, who knows. The point was, she could read their whole story in a single glance.

Yet she said nothing, at least not with words.

Jamie was unfortunately self-conscious, and this became clear as he glared at the ground and became silent.

"Aw, Cookie..." Alex drawled.

Jamie turned and scowled at him, slightly annoyed now, _"What?"_

"Don't get all _snappy_ , love… I was just gonna tell you how they're a _bunch of wankers_ – how you shouldn't let 'em bring you down, babe."

He snorted at the pet names; quite clearly they were only passing Alex's lips due to his state of mind.

 _"Babe"_ was never a name he used, at least, not for boys. For girls, it was used on Alexa.

This, he found odd, considering that he was no Alexa and that that pet name was intended for love interests. Still, he said nothing on the topic.

*******

They both waved a slightly less-enthusiastic wave to the receptionist, who they had both seen earlier that day.

Or really, Jamie waved and jabbed Alex in the ribs, as a sign to wave.

She seemed unfazed, oblivious that Alex was currently imaging dragons bursting out of the wall behind her and whispering about how the floor was boiling, as she smiling a bit over-sweetly.

Jamie made a face once she was out of view - perhaps she did fancy him, or Alex, yet either way, just as before, he felt nothing and was not interested.

*******

As they climbed the stairs:

"You know what's terrifyin' about the desert, Jameh?"

"What?"

"It's not how it goes from cold to hot so _fast_ , or how _empty_ the whole thing is – even with a town.. Nah.. Not all the fookin' cactuses either-"

 _"Cacti."_ He corrected

"- _cacti_... You know what it is?"

He shook his head, what could it be?

"What the desert does, Jameh. People come out here to destroy themselves."

*******

Jamie struggled with the lock of his door, as Alex allowed himself to slump down to the ground.

He claimed he was admiring how the carpet design was floating off the ground and how the wallpaper against his back wrapped itself around him.

After minutes of foul language, Jamie unlocked the door and Alex followed him in, closing the door behind him.

As the curly-haired boy sat down on the loveseat and turned on the television, flipping rapidly through channels without end, Jamie noted his tone of voice remained the same, yet he brought some Sheffield slang he thought they had left behind in High Green.

"More brass na brains!" Alex shouted, squinting and scowling at the fast-flipping channels, "That girl, fookin' hell!"

Jamie raised his eyebrows, processing the words ( _"more money than sense"_ ), then laughing as he went into the kitchen to bring out some beers.

As the minutes melted into hours, Jamie drank beer after beer. He did not eat as he drank, for he did not feel hungry, nor did he really get off his spot on the floor, since he liked being able to rest against the loveseat.

Alex had by now stopped flipping the channels, and had settled on a murder show. It was one of those 50's murder films, with black and white shots and quaffed hair, cigarette smoke and stereotypical detectives.

"See that bloke there," Alex spoke loudly, pointing a finger at the television, directing Jamie to the program and its protagonist, "He's – he's neither use nor ornament!"

Or, in other words, _"useless"_

Alex laughed and lay down on the couch on his back. He began running his hands along the corduroy material, watching as the material changed colour when it was rubbed a certain way. He licked his lips, and gazed up at the shaky ceiling.

A bit of ceiling fell off and dripped onto his face, sliding from his nose, down to his right cheek and into his hair.

He wiped at his skin, yet saw no trace of it on his finger.

Incredible.

" _Jameh!_ Jameh," Alex shouted, imagining that the television was playing loudly, even though the television was on a rather soft volume, "Get me a cig, love?"

Jamie scowled and ran a hand through his hair at his foot of the loveseat.

He mumbled and 'ok' and went to stand up, only to trip and fall back onto his knees.

"Shit.. Oh, _fook_.."

"What's wrong?"

"Fook, Al, I can't stand up.. Shit, the _room's spinnin'_.."

Memories of being so drunk that he was vomiting violently came flashing through his mind, so strong that he felt although they were currently occurring, and Alex's panic settled in.

_"Jameh, Jameh!-"_

"Al.. It's – _fook_ – _fine_. 'Right, don't worry. You told me all 'bout.. n' .. just _stop shoutin'_ -"

"But –you're"

Jamie bit his tongue viciously, biting back the pain he felt all through him, numbing it away, as he crawled over on his hands and knees. He supported himself on the edge of the couch, clawing it deeply with his fingernails. He inhaled sharply, drew his head up, brushed the hair from his eyes, and reached out to hold onto Alex who had escalated from mere panic - he had curled himself into a ball, tucking his knees into his chest and burying his head against them.

"Al.. _Alex_ , you 'right…?"

Jamie reached out tentatively and softly, and raised Alex's head from his knees. He cupped his cheeks, and looked him in the eyes:

"Said, yurr.. gonna be fine, 'right? Now, _pack it in_."

More Sheffield slang, he thought, he might as well throw in something to comfort him – _"stop it"_ -".. The drug'll wear off soon, mate. You'll be betta in a few minutes."

Despite that his words were slightly slurred due to intoxication, Alex closed his eyes and found them comforting. He opened his eyes and seemed visibly calmer, to which Jamie responded with a tired smile.

"'Ow do..?"

"Better, Cookie."

"Good."

Jamie let go of him, and stumbled to the bathroom. He lifted the toilet seat up, and leaned over, awaiting the vomit to come and spew out of him.

Nothing happened, he did not vomit. Instead, the water grew a bit blurry, but other than that he was doing alright. He fell on his way out of the bathroom, though picked himself back up and stumbled back to the loveseat.

Once he was there, he returned to his knees, sitting on them for a bit, allowing the room to stop spinning.

Maybe, he could ask Alex to get him some water..?

Maybe then he would be able to talk a little clearer, though he doubted it. Judging by how much he had drank, he would have some nasty hangover tomorrow morning.

Though for the moment, he brushed that away, saying he would deal with it later.

He pushed the coffee table away, closer to the television and farther from himself, and lay down on the ground. He was not tired; he just wanted to relax for a bit.

He was not dumb either, he knew that if he felt nauseous, he would turn to his side.

For a while, Alex continued to watch the murder show (oddly enough it calmed him. Also, there was a second part coming up after the first, so he would be entertained later as well), while Jamie just lay on the ground, thinking about things, but not really about things at the same time.

Alex called him up for something.

He did not know why, yet then again maybe Alex did not either.

This time, Jamie, feeling slightly better, looked up at Alex from his knees.

He asked him what was wrong, and Alex giggled and mumbled something.

Jamie sighed and leaned in, asking again.

Alex laughed and leaned in as well, his hair fell into his face, as he brushed it away, he lost his grip and fell off the couch and on top of Jamie.

It was _not_ a graceful fall, and perhaps had they been in public, out of context, or not either drunk or high, the outcome would have been different.

Alex's head lay against Jamie's chest, his hair a mess and obscuring most of his view. His arm was trapped awkwardly beneath him, resting over Jamie's crotch. His legs still clung to the couch, so overall, his position was not comfortable.

He squirmed, his trapped arm brushing against Jamie's crotch and the inside of his thighs. Jamie bit his lip and tried to keep it in, tried to control himself, yet when Alex laughed deeply against his skin and brushed against him one last time, he lost it.

A warmth ran through him, starting from the pit of his stomach, rushing to his toes and fingertips, and finally ending up between his legs.

He went completely hard, his lips slightly parted and his breath hitched in his throat.

Alex finally removed his hand, and as he steadied himself, he felt the sharp, hard erection rub against hips. He let out a laugh, and fixed his positioning, so that he sat on Jamie's thighs, straddling him, able to look down at the erection whenever he pleased.

Jamie looked up at Alex, aroused, yet also slightly confused.

"Al..?"

Alex smiled at him, though it was a smile Jamie had never seen him wear before.

It was a smile he had seen on girls in clubs, on Katie from time to time, yet never on Alex - or at least, never _from Alex_ and _meant for him_.

It made him blush a deep red.

Alex placed his hands on Jamie's shoulders, gently adding his weight onto the other boy.

He leaned in, close enough so that his curly hair dropped and tickled Jamie's cheeks, huskily, he whispered in his ear:

"I made you _hard_ , love?"

Jamie felt so warm, and honestly, so eager.

He nodded his head, as his jeans grew painfully tight.

"Aw, that's so... _delightful_."

"Yeah.."

"Jameh, d'you _like_ me?"

"I- I do. _'Course_ I do."

Alex laughed, though softly and in an intriguing sort of fashion.

He switched to whisper into Jamie's other ear, his hair tickling the older boy's nose and gently brushing against his eyelids.

"Well, if you _like me_ Jameh, _show me_ , darlin'."

Hungrily, Jamie brought his hands up and cupped Alex's face, bringing it near to his own.

His face was crimson as they bumped noses, though that did not matter, as Alex's mouth was already moist and open when they kissed.

It made up for the awkwardness, creating more arousal.

Jamie's tongue slipped into Alex's mouth, kissing him deeply, as his hands traveled higher than Alex's cheeks and tangled in his messy hair - he tasted like cigarettes and something sweet, while he assumed that he himself just tasted like beer. He told him that in between breaths and Alex whispered something about how it was great because it seemed quite sexy, therefore Jamie gained some confidence and he spread open his thighs, giving Alex more room.

Alex smiled at the sensation of fingers knotting in his hair, and pulled away abruptly to hiss out that he liked that a lot.

This turned Jamie on even more, feeling his boxers stain with pre-cum, as Alex began to slowly grind his hips against his own.

"I wanna hear the _sounds_ you make, Jameh.." - he began kissing him swiftly and shortly, pulling away fast enough to keep him wanting more -"Show me your _mad sounds_.. Oh, _yes_ , _that's_ it.."

Alex parted fully and slowly from Jamie's lips, feeling his own tingle with longing.

He brushed the hair away from Jamie's neck with cold hands. He felt Jamie squirm with temptation below him, though that was not enough to make him fully hard.

As he was half-hard, Alex nuzzled his face into Jamie's neck, first planting his cool lips against Jamie's warm neck, causing goose-bumps to shudder across the older boy.

 _"Alex.."_ Jamie moaned out.

He sucked on Jamie's tender, soft skin until he knew that there would be purple blotches once he left.

Jamie clawed at the back of his shirt, pleading him to take it off and _fuck him_ already.

Alex smiled to himself as he felt himself go hard.

Yes, he was getting there, getting closer to fucking him, but he wanted some more fun first.

The curly haired boy stuck his tongue out and licked Jamie's neck, causing a stronger wave of arousal to wash over both of them.

He left Jamie's neck again, this time, fully straddling him so that their erections rubbed together and Jamie's legs were around his waist. He unbuttoned his shirt (with some difficulty, since it felt although the buttons were running away from him), and tossed it aside. He pulled off his socks and discarded them, and undid his belt.

Jamie bucked impatiently underneath him, "My turn, oh _c'mon_ Alex, pack it in."

Alex chucked and helped Jamie pull off his shirt.

He removed it rather clumsily, getting it caught on Jamie's head for a bit, though he could say quite proudly that he was satisfied with the end result. He undid Jamie's jeans, and Jamie gave a moan of relief when his erection sprang out and did not feel constricted anymore.

He pushed Jamie's jeans all the way off, while he pushed his own down to his knees.

He reached into his front pocket and pulled out a condom, removed his boxers and placed it on. Jamie eyed the erection with desire, while Alex asked him where his lubricant was. Jamie told him it was in the nightstand drawer, and Alex stood to his feet and wobbled there.

When he came back, jeans off, condom lubricated, he sat back down on Jamie's thighs and grinned:

"Not yet, _baby_."

Jamie let out a growl of disapproval, though he was quickly silenced by Alex who tongued him madly and felt him up. Jamie moaned through the heated kissing and arched his back when a hand with _"The Death Ramps"_ on its owner's pinky finger began massaging his balls.

 _"Please,"_ he croaked, "Oh, _Alex_ , please!"

Alex chuckled and took off Jamie's boxers, removing the last layer of clothing between them. He told him to lay on his stomach, and Jamie did as he was told.

Alex slapped his ass before he entered him, and he concentrated on the tension in Jamie's shoulder blades, and the clock melting on the wall, as he began a messy, steady pace.

He thrust into him, and enjoyed the moans Jamie gave off when he did so. He began to talk dirty, mainly for his own pleasure, though he liked when he got a response.

"Got a glimpse of you, you're nice ..n' _thick_.. Maybe later.. I can suck you off _slow and steady_ , make you cum _real hard_."

_"Go. For. It."_

"Want me to slow it down, Jameh?"

"No – _no_ , faster! Ah, _fook_ , faster!"

Alex teased him, slowing down only for an instant just to fire Jamie up.

He protested, clawing at the carpet and cursing until he felt a sudden rough thrust from above.

Jamie's legs stiffened and Alex pinched his ass, while the guitarist growled and cried out, moaning that he was going to cum.

Alex glistened with sweat, his golden pendant glimmering in the dim lightning and his hair sticking to his face. His voice cracked midway through his words and he came: _"Fookin' hell!"_

Jamie moaned through gritted teeth, arching his back and flattening his face against the ground, as he shot out all over himself and the carpet.

Alex pulled out, red-faced and panting. He collapsed next to Jamie in the mess they had made. They stayed there for a bit, catching their breath and slowing down their heartbeat. Jamie was exhausted, and only got up when Alex drawled out that he wanted to shower with him.

*******

Jamie was still asleep at four thirty in the morning, and since he had had energy, he cleaned up the mess. Yes, it had been nicer, more intense, passionate and raw than with any girl, but he was not sure what he would say when Jamie woke up. Alex had no excuse as to why he fucked him.

*******

Once the drugs had left, his head acid-free, the news _really_ hit him. Before, his thoughts on the situation had existed, though they had been calm and carefree. He had been happy during his comedown, and his reaction to sleeping with Jamie had been something like: _“Oh, I slept with Jamie. Oh well, I don’t have an excuse as to why, but that’s alright. It felt so great”._

Now, at five o’clock in the morning, raw panic took over.. Jamie had quite clearly enjoyed it and… No, _he himself_ had still started it, asking him _questions_ and eloquently saying that he wanted Jamie to express his love..

That he wanted to sleep with him.

Why did he think of the word _"love"?_

He loved Nick and Matt, yet in a different way, with a _platonic_ love.

He loved Alexa romantically, just as he had Johanna in the past.

Therefore, what was Jamie?

Jamie was one of his best mates ever since they were seven, Jamie was the boy he had been routing for at High Green's college football matches, Jamie was the person who had given their band the name they had.

Jamie was someone who was _kind_ and _awkward_ and _self-conscious_.

He was someone who could rely on with a secret or a mistake.

Yes, he _could_ rely on Jamie. Jamie, out of everyone, would never go and _brag_ about this - if it had been Miles, well that would be a different story – he was not that type of person. Was this a secret – yes, of course. They had fucked in every sense of the word.

They already had partners. He had Alexa, and this was not right, this was cheating. Though it had been consensual, it had been enjoyed.

But was this a mistake..?

He knew it was not right, quite clearly he knew that, yet he had trouble viewing it as a mistake. A mistake was supposed to be something that makes you feel bad, guilty, and it is supposed to be something one does not wish to repeat.

The problem was – He felt guilt, just as any partner should, yet he wanted to continue this bad thing. Alex felt strongly intrigued, and the mere thought of being with Jamie seemed as addicting as the cigarettes he smoked.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What has become of them after Joshua Tree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you haven't noticed, I suck at summarizing things well.
> 
> This was a filler chapter, if anything. I've taken quite some time to write this, and for that I apologize. Either way, I plan to continue the story after this chapter, though I'm not sure whether I should focus on "Suck It And See"/the future, instead of just "Humbug". Let me know! 
> 
> Since that would really help.. I mean, regardless, I could end the story here (though, judging the ending, it might not necessarily be the best ending).
> 
> Anyway, I'd like to wish a special thank you to those of you who commented, liked, or took the time to read this story. Really means a lot.

The bedroom smelt a bit fresher, and as he slipped his eyes out from beneath his bed sheets, he saw someone had opened the window.

Had he done it himself?

Maybe, he could not remember anything from last night.

He knew he had been with Alex; they had begun watching some sort of television show.. And that was it. He remembered the desert, yet nothing after they had begun watching the show.

As he crawled out of his bed, his hangover hit him violently, bestowing a throbbing headache that pained him from behind his eyes. As he stood, he froze, feeling although something was not right. The headache and the pain in his eyes did not bother him, but what bothered him was the pain in his lower back.

For a moment he thought it was because he had slept in a bad position, though as he took a shower to try and freshen up, he noticed the carpet burns on his chest, arms and thighs.

_Oh shit._

His hands felt around his skin, and when he felt the sore, purple blotches on his neck, he knew what they were and what had happened.

He stepped out of the shower, shivering momentarily as he scrambled to put on his clothes. He glanced in the mirror, running a hand through his shaggy hair and scowling at his reflection.

Knowing that his kitchenette was empty, he collected himself as best as he could considering he had a massive hangover, and knocked on Nick’s door.

There was no response, or maybe he was just being impatient, therefore he knocked again, louder this time.

“Nick,” he shouted, “ _Nick_ , open up your _fookin’_ door! There’s no food at me place, and I’m bloody _hungry_!”

He heard the shuffling of feet, and Nick swung open the door.

He looked slightly tired, and only then did he realize that he did not know what time it was. His room had been bright when he had awoken... or maybe just so because his eyes were sensitive. Now, he felt bad, knocking on people’s doors early in the morning, demanding food.

God, he sounded like a small child, embarrassing.

“Jameh,” Nick said, yawning, yet putting on a smile, “I’ll make you somethin’. What would you like?”

He stepped aside and let Jamie enter, and Jamie realized that Nick was so empathetic and understanding and he really needed that at the moment.

“Uh – black coffee and an omelet… Sorry I yelled, Nick. I’m just-“

“-Hangover.”

“You can tell?”

“From miles away, mate. Don’t worry though, Matt is too.”

“Is he as bad?”

While Nick motioned for Jamie to sit by the kitchenette table, while he opened the fridge and took out some eggs, cheese and bacon, Jamie told him how he could not remember anything about last night after he started drinking.

As Nick cracked the eggs and threw the eggshells in the compost, “Why’d you drink so much, Jameh?”

“I-I dunno.. I regret it so much, mate.”

Nick cast him a quick, sad look over his shoulder, as he continued making them breakfast (it appeared he was making breakfast for all four of them), and Jamie knew what that look meant and why it was done.

Alex had always been the one to drink the most, the one to smoke the most, while the rest of them did it at a controlled pace. Though Jamie, he on the other hand, had really tried to keep his drinking down to a minimal. He would always try to remain between the lines of “tipsy” and “pleasantly drunk”.

He had had a …”wobble” (as Alex called it) a couple years ago where he had blacked out and been completely terrified afterwards. Now, he had nearly re-enacted that (since he had no recollection of what had happened) and it was awful.

It was awful, because what the four of them had learnt was that Jamie, unfortunately, did not know when to stop. He had cleaned up his act in recent years, he had been alright, though now he had messed up, and it was disappointing and scary since he did not like being drunk all that much.

Nick put on water for coffee, and offered Jamie a sweater (which he accepted, as Nick’s kitchenette was oddly cold) and a piece of advice:

“If you’re going to drink, please don’t do so with Al. I love him like a brother, but he can’t stop really. Unless Alexa’s there..”

“Yeah, I know.”

Alexa had always been the one who had some magic touch, some control, over Alex and his vices.

At some times, it was irritating since the front man would listen to his girlfriend when it came to controlling his vices, yet struggle to do so with his friends.

“By the way, what happened to you and Alex last night?”

“I dunno really.. We walked around the National Park for a bit, and then we went to my place and watched some films.”

“Oh, alright..”

“Why do you ask?”

Jamie watched Nick tilt his head sideways, in an ‘as a matter of fact’ manner, as he flipped the omelets over to their other side and added sugar to the boiling water that would soon be Jamie’s black coffee.

“Matt told me last night – texted me, really – about how he heard you gettin’ it on with someone last night..-“Nick chuckled innocently, as Jamie blushed and focused on the wooden table – “He said you were loud, but he couldn’t make out who it was..”

“Oh..”

“How do you think Katie’s doin’?”

Jamie looked up from the table, the question surprising and insulting at the same time. It was out of nowhere, because, no, they had not been talking about Katie, and it irritated him greatly due to his hangover state.

_“Sorry?”_

Nick sensed the cold in Jamie’s voice, and added that he had not meant to be rude, but that he was curious if she was getting together with someone. After all, it seemed that Jamie had been busy shagging someone last night and he had just been wondering if Jamie had heard any news from Katie.

“..Unless that person you were with was just a one night stand?”

Jamie calmed down, pulling the sleeves of Nick’s sweater over his cold hands.

He knew that it had been a boy, the person he had slept with, due to the pain in his lower back – anal sex.

He had never liked one night stands, he found them uncomfortable to wake up to, so he tried to be the one to wake up first and either 1) write a nice note and leave, or 2) try to make things as comfortable as they could be when the other person woke up. Yet, he had never slept with a boy before, not before last night at least.

Last night, some boy, had taken his virginity (well, not entirely. The boy had been his first time sleeping with someone of the same gender and his first time being penetrated from behind).

_“Boy?”_

Nick had set the omelets on four separate plates, and now he had turned over to look at Jamie.

Jamie’s heart beat increased rapidly and intensely, his hands all sweaty and his breathing rapid and short, “W-what? What _boy_?”

He was drop dead nervous, since, for fuck’s sake, he had spoken his thoughts without realizing it.

Nick, who had been prepared to call Matt and Alex over, set his phone and the food back down on the counter and sat down next to Jamie at the small table.

“Jameh, you... Slept with a boy?”

“Nick – it’s not what it – look, I’m not a freak – I – I was drunk an-“

His words were passing his lips at the speed of light, his panic had set in and he felt tears of embarrassment and nervousness spring to his eyes.

Nick threw his hands in the air, an attempt to show that he meant no harm, “Jameh, Jameh, it’s alright!”

Jamie was inhaling sharply, fighting back his tears as his hands shook, “It wasn’t supposed to happen – I-I don’t even know who it was! I know it wasn’t Alex –he left me place at one point anyway – I just, fook, I feel disgusted with meself and – and”

Nick stood up quickly and handed Jamie his warm mug of coffee, saying only a few words, and they were to drink it until he felt calm again.

Jamie did not think, nor did he speak; instead, he just grasped the mug with trembling hands and took large swings of the hot drink, ignoring the burning sensation on his tongue until he felt better. When he set his drink down, his mouth burning, yet his mind slightly more peaceful. Nick handed him his plate of omelet and sat down slowly.

“Jameh, do you wanna talk about it?”

His voice was reassuring and calm and _trustworthy_.

Therefore, Jamie just broke, and out spilt the words _“I’m gay”_ , and along with that all the tears and fear he had held inside him since he was an adolescent. It had not been the “somewhat-calm” confession he had given Katie, no, this was a desperate and emotional confession.

Jamie cried, tears freely pooling in his eyes and dancing across his red cheeks as Nick leaned in across the table and hugged him, patting his back as he did so.

“It’s alright, Jameh... It’s ok. You’re me mate and I’ll support you with whatever you do.”

Jamie was hiccuping as he buried his head into Nick’s shoulder, trying his best to push out a “thank you” or a “you promise”.

Nick, as if he could read minds, spoke up, saying that he promised to be there and not tell anyone, unless Jamie was ok with it. He also said “you’re welcome”.

*******

After the crying was done, the sun rose and the atmosphere was nicer.

Jamie felt at ease.

*******

He was midway through his eggs, when Nick opened the door to reveal a hung over Matt (Jamie could tell, due to his sunglasses) and Alex.

Nick passed each man their plate of eggs, including one for himself, and they all sat down at the table to eat. Matt and Jamie began discussing their hangovers and potential cures (more coffee was one of them), while Nick began telling the four of them about some people he and Matt had seen throughout their day yesterday.

Alex kept avoiding Jamie’s gaze.

At first, Jamie did not notice, though as breakfast went on, he saw that Alex held little to no contact with him in particular. He was too tired to care extremely about the situation, so he decided that he would confront the brown eyes later.

*******

Two weeks went by, and before they knew it, they were on a plane to New York City to finish off their songs for Humbug.

During that time frame, they had already released their first single of the new era, _“Crying Lightning”_.

On it were three tracks: _“Crying Lightning”, “Red Right Hand”_ (their cover of the Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds song), and _“I Haven’t Got My Strange”_.

Along with releasing their single, they had several concrete songs written: _“Fire and The Thud”, “Cornerstone”, “Sketched”, “My Propeller”, “Don’t Forget Whose Legs You’re On”,_ and _”The Afternoon’s Hat”_.

On the plane ride, Jamie had begun to realize that Alex had minimized their contact enormously.

He would look at him, chat a bit and that was that, no jokes, all the laughter was fake, and Jamie felt so confused.

What had he done?

As they flew across America, traveling from the state of California to New York, Jamie dozed in and out of sleep.

Midway there, he began to experience fuzzy feelings of déjà-vu as he slept – fingers unbuttoning a shirt, something soft and curly tickling his neck, the weight and arousal of some man on top of his thighs, and finally a scent.

He knew the scent from somewhere, though he could not remember where he had inhaled it before.

As Jamie stood up from his seat on the plane, pushing past the somewhat crowded rows, the smell from his foggy dreams hit him like a blow.

It was strong and he smelt it when he walked past Alex’s row.

Without thinking, his eyes darted and he looked at the curly haired boy from the corner of his eye.

Alex looked up, feeling the presence of eyes burn into him, and when he saw the paleness in Jamie’s face he understood the situation.

Jamie darted to the bathroom, though when he reached them, both of them were occupied. He cursed under his breath, praying that either one of the stalls would open up soon, for he did not dare turn around and look since he knew Alex was still looking at him.

The nerves in his stomach began to grow and his stomach started to churn roughly. He thought he was going to vomit in the hallway, until the left stall door swung open and the lady that stepped outside gave him a small smile and an apology. He mumbled an “its fine”, though not really caring if she wanted to chat.

He stepped into the stall, locking the door behind him.

Whatever urge he had to actually piss was done, as he splashed cold water on his face, trying to make the nauseous feeling go away and help calm himself down.

He was sweating cold sweat as he gripped onto the edges of the sink with both hands and looked up at his own reflection. He looked pale as droplets of water dripped off his face and into the sink.

He pulled out a paper towel and wiped away at the moisture, taking deep breaths and brushing his hair away from his face.

“Calm down, Jameh.. Why does it even fookin’ _matter_ so much that you.. Slept with him?”

Maybe because he had kissed Alex with more passion than he could ever muster for a woman or for any man before?

Perhaps..

“But does he _love_ you?.. No, Alex doesn’t fookin’ love me, what am I thinkin’? I mean.. Shit, _I_ love him..”

If Alex loved him, hell, even fancied him, why had he not told Jamie about what had happened?

Why would he not speak about it?

Jamie pushed away from the sink, brought down the toilet seat and sat down, his head between his hands.

Thinking about it, neither of them had been in the place to make those types of decisions, but it was worse to act although it did not happen. Alex had been high, and Jamie had been drunk, and they had fucked.

So what? Sure, he cared painfully so for Alex, yet why could Alex not fess up and tell Jamie what had happened?

If he did so, they did not have to return to their.. Whatever they had been.. Regardless, he felt although he deserved at least that much.

He sighed internally, feeling although he was becoming hallow.

*******

Eventually, someone knocked on the bathroom door and he was forced to compose himself and step out.

He forced a smile on his face, apologized to the person who had knocked for the inconvenience, and slipped his hand into the pocket of his jeans, pulling out his ear buds and shoving them in his ears, making an attempt to seem although he was listening to music. He shoved the end of his ear buds (where they were supposed to connect to his iPod) in the pocket of his jumper, and walked down the aisle, ignoring the quick sideways glance he received from Alex.

“Talk to him later, talk to him later.“ Jamie kept telling himself.

*******

When they landed in New York, it was dark outside, around ten o’clock, and by the time they got off the plane, found their luggage, and got to their hotel, it was eleven thirty.

They would be staying at a nice, hotel in downtown New York for some time, at least until they had finished producing their songs and then sent them off to Domino Records.

From then on, they did not know what they would do, most likely just wait and see when they could get _“Humbug”_ out and into the world – hopefully, as soon as possible.

*******

The hotel in New York both did and did not give Jamie odd flashbacks of the motel in Joshua Tree.

The similarities between the hotel and the motel were that they were with the same crowd of people (because, yes, John Ashton had returned. He had been with them on the plane), they were in the heart of some city, and that the weather outside was relatively pleasant (one of the things Jamie was thankful for when they got off the plane).

The differences were that in Joshua Tree, they were in a motel - and not a special one either.

Not that any of them were spoiled and would only be in a place of high class, but that in all honesty, the motel in Joshua Tree was as average as motels get. The shower head’s water pressure fluctuated from weak to strong depending on what time of day it was, while the room’s had had an odd smell.

Oh and another difference; Before, Alex and Jamie had been merely platonic friends, the one-sided love aside, and now they were, well, a bit of a mess.

Jamie preferred what they had been before, since before he could only imagine what could go right and what could go wrong. Now, he was caught in a bittersweet dance that showed him both parties’ moves.

*******

They spent the next day drinking lots of coffee and eating sweets to help cope with their jet lag, while also working with James Ford in his studio.

When the day was done and they were in the hotel, Jamie went to his room and called up room service, ordering a bottle of vodka and some shot glasses.

When his order was dropped off, Jamie brought the alcohol and the glasses to his coffee table. His hands shook as he took deep breaths and filled four shot glasses with the clear liquid. He placed the bottle on the floor, screwing it shut, and took the first shot.

He waited fifteen minutes, then took the second, waited another fifteen minutes and took the third, then carelessly swung the fourth, not caring about the fact that he had just taken two in a row.

Jamie stood up, and suddenly felt the strong buzz kick in. He was slightly shaky; his balance a bit off, as he shoved his room key in his pocket and left his room.

He locked his door and strolled down the hallway with the confidence that only alcohol could give.

His head was spinning and he found himself humming the first verse of _“Is This It”_ by the Strokes.

He fought the urge to bump against the walls, as he finally reached the door he had been searching for. He was glad they were on the same floor, since he realized he would have hated to walk up and down the stairs at the moment. His fingers trailed and danced against the wall as he neared the door, then finally came to a stop when they ran against the smooth wood.

He knocked loudly on the door, not willing to shout, but just wanting to keep knocking.

So he did.

His knocking grew louder and more persistent, until the door was opened.

The dark eyes that met him were surprised, “Jame-“

He was feeling hurt, “Yeah, shut the fook up, Al.”

Without an invitation, Jamie slipped past Alex and into his hallway, strolling over to his couch and resting his hands on the back of the couch.

“What’re you doin’ h-“ Alex began, only to be cut off by Jamie once more.

Jamie laughed sarcastically, as he looked up at the curly-haired boy, “Why the fook d’you think?”

“I-“

Jamie stumbled over to him, jabbing Alex in the chest with his finger, “Why’d you lie to me?”

He reeked like alcohol and Alex laughed oddly, “Don’t know what you’re talkin’ ‘bout, Cookie. _Think_ you’re drunk.”

Jamie licked his dry lips, his mouth open as his head hung low and his eyes caught sight of the phone book and cell phone in Alex’s hands, “Don’t matter..” he slurred, “don’t fookin’ matter if I drink.. Even if I had that wobble while back.. Matter o’ fact, you’re the drinker ‘ere, _Alexander_.”

“Oh.”

They were caught in the corner of the hallway, and Alex, feeling claustrophobic, slid past Jamie and into the living room, standing near the couch.

“Who were you gonna call, Al?”

“Uh- Alexa.”

_“Alexa..”_

“Yeah..”

Jamie swung around to look at Alex, his eyes half-open and his fingers drumming against the side of the wall, “Why’d you lie to me?”

He asked again, less calm this time, his voice slightly shaky.

“Told you – I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.”

“Bullshit.”

Alex scowled, “Jameh, mate, I think you’re imaginin’ stuff. Maybe I’m not the person you want to be talkin’ to.”

“Fookin’ hell, you are-“

“Well – uh- I was just gonna call ‘Lex-“

He slammed his hand down on the side of the couch, though not necessarily out of anger, making a rather loud _‘swosh’_ sound escape the material, “Alexa can wait. She’s waited long enough anyway; you haven’t called her in weeks.”

“Jam-“

“What? What do you have to say, Alex? What, were you gonna tell her ‘bout us!”

“Us?“

“Shit, stop actin’ like you’re so fookin’ _stupid!_ ”

Alex was silent.

“Were you gonna tell her about what happened in that motel in Joshua Tree? Were you gonna tell her about how we _snogged_ , and grooped, eh? Were you gonna tell her how we _fooked_ , Alex? What’d you think she’d say.. What’d they say?”

“Jameh..”

_“Shut up!”_

He was shouting now, his voice shaky and the salty tears filling his eyes as he tried to blink them away.

“I don’t why you wouldn’t tell me..”

His voice was back to a whisper now. He shook his head as he spoke, his shoes kicking at the spotless floor, “Am I nothin’ to you? Shag aside, this fookin’.. _hur_ t me, Al. I mean… you don’t fookin’ do that to people.”

He swallowed hard, as he felt the painful lump grow in his throat. “You don’t, Alex.”

Alex was quiet.

“Shit.. You don’t even ‘ave an input?”

He set his phone book and cellphone down on the couch, “No..”

“Then, fook it, that’s it then.”

Jamie turned on his heel, feeling the tears that had built up spring out of his eyes and slip down his cheeks.

His throat hitched and he kept bumping into the wall, his hair constantly falling into his eyes and blinding him, though he made no move to brush it aside. The fact was if his love could not care about him, and the alcohol was not helping his conscious, he would not care about himself either – if anything, he would probably just go back to his room and drink some more.

Yes, that sounded alright.

As his hand grasped the brass doorknob, someone grasped his hand.

His right hand had slipped onto the doorknob, and then something had grabbed his free left hand.

He was spun around and dragged away from the door and to the nearest wall. In his drunken state, he nearly fell over. Jamie felt hands leave his own and grasp his shoulders, straightening his back out. The smaller man pushed him up against the wall, his messy hair falling into his face, and his hands clasped Jamie’s red stained cheeks as he stood up a bit taller.

He brought his body close to Jamie’s and kissed his desperately. Alex’s fingers wiped away at the moisture that were his tears, then pressed firmly against Jamie’s face. Jamie was unresponsive momentarily, as he felt Alex’s teeth clash against his own.

No, he told himself, don’t kiss him anymore.Why should you?

Alex pulled away then, wanting air and feeling although his attempt at kissing would not do much either way.

One of those odd saliva bridges that only wet, desperate kisses could cause built between them, until Alex separated himself enough so that it broke and disappeared.

“I’m sorry,” he slipped out, “For kissin’ you right now.. And lyin’ to you before.”

“You should be.”

“I understand that now.”

Alex’s cheeks were red from shame, feeling although he had immensely fucked up now, while Jamie’s cheeks were red from the alcohol.

“I don’t know why you couldn’t tell me about what happened?.. Were you ashamed?”

“No,” Alex spoke softly, brushing his hair behind his ears and parting a bit farther from the warmth of Jamie’s body and protection that he felt when he was in his arms, “Well, only because of what I did to Alexa..”

“..Have you not told her?”

“No, I haven’t. I don’t know if I ever will, at least not now.”

“Why not? If I made you ashamed because of… like, just fookin’ tell her.”

“The thing is, you didn’t make me ashamed directly. I only felt ashamed because I know she’s in the dark about the whole thing.”

“But what about me?”

“You,” Jamie gazed down at Alex from his place against the wall, watching as the smaller man began to blush rapidly and the way his mouth trickled into a shy smile, “..If anythin’, I wanted.. Wanted to continue what we had.”

“Why didn’t you start somethin’ earlier?”

Alex laughed, “I’m not genius for social situations, we all know that.  How would I approach you? And besides, what could I say? I liked the way we kissed, and the way you whisper my name, the way you moan when I kiss your neck.. Like, how the way you play guitar can be quite sexy, or how you never sing is both adorable and funny, I ‘suppose..”

“How recent is.. the non-sexual stuff?”

“Like, the guitar playin’ and the fact you don’t sing?”

“Yeah.”

He paused for a moment, feeling the soft light from the living room glaze the side of his body and that of Jamie’s, thinking, “I don’t really know.. Old I ‘suppose.”

“How old?”

“I believe it started when we played our first real gig, after the demo came out.. You were all sweaty on stage” –as Alex spoke, reminiscing, as he blushed madly, -“it was all quite attractive, I dunno.”

“So you’ve liked me for a while?”

"Sub-consciously - but yes.. Greatly, since I’ve dreamt about you sexually.. Before this year.”

“Really, Al?”

Jamie looked up at him, and his drunken state, could not stop the moisture blossoming from his eyes.

He apologized for that, feeling like a sissy, and Alex chuckled softly about the topic, saying it was alright and tentatively reaching out and brushing away the tears with his thumb.

“Why are you cryin’..?”

He threw in the word _“love”_ at the end, because he felt although it suited the situation.

“I- I dunno.. Might be because I’m drunk, but I dunno.. I think it’s ‘cause I’ve liked you for a long time, and I-I guess I just thought the only thing you’d feel for me would be disgust..”

“Why would I?”

“I’m different, I’m gay.”

“There’s nothin’ wrong with that. You’re still a person, you’re still the same lad I grew up with. There’s nothin’ wrong with you, absolutely nothin’ wrong with bein’ gay.. If anythin’.. I’m bisexual.”

He added a gentle, genuine smile at the end, and felt his shoulders relax a bit when he saw Jamie cast him a blush-infused smile as well.

“I really like you, Alex.”

The brown eyed boy felt Jamie’s arms reach out and slowly envelop him. They pulled him in, like when the undercurrent pulls water back into the ocean and away from the shore. He felt, and loved, the warmth, the tenderness, and the safety Jamie gave off when he was against him.

His legs slipped between Jamie’s, though not necessarily sexually, mainly because the older man was drunk as shit and was having trouble standing straight, and he buried his head into Jamie’s neck.

He did not kiss him, no, they had wordlessly agreed in that moment to only really continue anything past kissing when they were sober (at least for the time being).

There was nothing wrong with kissing though.

Instead, he mumbled softly against his skin, taking in the memory as best, and as purely, as he could – he did not want to forget this.

The slow and rough act of forgiving.

“I love you, Jameh.”

Jamie mumbled, “That’s the word I was searchin’ for.. Love”

“So you love me?”

“Forever, Al.”

“And I agree, Jameh.”

*******

Three months after Humbug’s release, they listened to some songs spilling out from Matt’s walkman, as they were all back stage at major music festival, awaiting their turn to perform.

They all took a shot of tequila, while Nick hummed the main riff to some old tune.

Stumbling on stage, they all heard the crowd roar with excitement.

As Jamie set up his guitar, he heard Alex mumble, “Lex’s here.”

He had no clue where the brunette model was; though he assumed she had told Alex she would be hear.

“Tell her after.” Jamie mouthed through the noise.

*******

It was odd to do this though.

Even after some months of having their bloody affair, it was odd to be with Alex one night in some hotel room, where they were kissing and touching and all Alex kept saying was “I love you, fookin’ hell, Jameh, I love you” with such a genuine tone.

And then, the morning after, Alex is calling Alexa on the phone and Jamie can hear her tell him that she misses him and Alex reply to her, with so much sweetness that it makes him sick to his stomach, that he hopes to see her soon.

After those phone calls are done, Alex can sense the blue eyes boring into his back, as the sharp words spill from his love’s tongue and onto the floor, burning through the carpet and sizzling into the wood of the tour bus:

“Sometimes I hate you, Al. I hate that you lie to her, that you can’t come clean, and I hate that because of this, of all this lyin’ and secrets - I feel like a tool.”

“But you’re not a tool!” Alex would whisper, taking a step closer and placing the phone on the window sill, “You mean a lot to me, Jameh. You know that, I love you.”

Jamie would snort and scowl, “Well, do you tell that you Alexa? Eh? D’you love her as well?”

“I don’t know what I feel for Alexa..”

“Then break things off, Alex! Aren’t you sick of this?”

“.. I can’t just do that. That’s so much-“

“Well I managed, didn’t I? I left Katie; even though I wasn’t even fifty percent sure I’d get you. I left her because I couldn’t do this anymore, all that fake love.”

“…”

Jamie would step a bit closer to Alex, though the poison was still laced in his voice, “Is there fake love for her, Alex? Or is there really summat? Do you really love her?”

The brown eyed boy brushed his hair behind his ears, “It’s not like that, love. It isn’t so easy, though I wish it was.”

Without another word, Alex kissed him, quickly, though with enough roughness from his lips and sweetness from his tongue to make Jamie shiver.

He does so, visible tremble even though the tour bus is boiling, and mutters some excuse about how the AC is making him catch a cold.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Well,” Jamie still wanted to kiss him, though he stopped himself, wanting to prove his point and make things clear for Alex that things could only work if he stopped this nonsense with Alexa, “pick a fookin’ side, Alexander.”

*******

In the midst of some early morning in late winter – they are all in Alex’s room of their hotel, smoking marijuana.

Alex held the pipe in his hands, inhaling deeply and exhaling, as the thick, pungent, smoke clouds drifted past his shoulder length curls and into the dim light room.

The snow was falling at a rapid pace outside the large glass windows, and Jamie could tell since the speeding snow-flakes were visible only once they zoomed past the streetlights.

They were in the center of the city, touring across Europe, and as they all got high on some southern green grass, Alex spoke up on how he wanted to trip again.

Matt laughed, at both Alex’s thought and the short film they were currently watching, while Nick raised his eyebrows.

Jamie had no input, since it has been a while since he has last done anything with Alex, pushing the brown haired boy away until he breaks things off with Alexa.

“What was it like the first time?” Matt asked, while Alex passed him the pipe and the drummer inhaled for a bit.

“Incredible... Everythin’ was out of this world.. I even did some stuff I never tried before, and ended up likin’ them quite a bit.”

Jamie ignored the rich brown eyes that quickly glanced his way, as he ran his hand through his growing bangs and told himself that he finds them slightly annoying and wishes to get his hair cut in the near future.

“Like what?” Nick inquired

“Oh, I..”

Alex stopped momentarily, thinking back to that night in Joshua Tree and finding something new that still currently interested him. His first thought is Jamie, and everything he had experienced since then with Jamie.

He considered speaking up on that, mainly due to his current “happy and calm” state of mind, though he ended up choosing something else since he knew that things would not end well if he spoke about how they had fucked for the first time then, “I –uh- really enjoyed watchin’ murder shows then.”

Matt drummed his fingers on the table, “Think we could do that now?”

“Watch murder shows?”

“Yeah.”

“Dunno if they’re on at the moment.” Jamie spoke up.

“Yes,” Alex continued, as he felt his eye lids grow heavy, and as he pictured the white parts of his eyes, and all those in the room around him, become bloodshot, “and I don’t think it’ll be the same. That was LSD, this is weed.”

*******

When March rolled around and they had released their single, _“My Propeller”_ , they all sat in Jamie’s hotel room.

They had a quite some time until their next show (it was the fifteenth that day, and their upcoming show was March twenty-seventh), and they had decided to spend it by three of them smoking marijuana again, while one of them tripped on acid.

As you could assume, Matt, Nick and Jamie were smoking, while Alex was on acid.

It was slightly alarming, how much Alex enjoyed the use of drugs. Not just LSD, but he found great pleasure in several substances – marijuana, cigarettes, alcohol. Naturally, Jamie, along with many other people in the world enjoyed the recreational use of those substances, though Alex continued. Jamie wondered if he could stop it.. He knew that he himself could not stop when he drank.. Therefore, he tried not to drink so often.

Jamie took the smoking pipe and inhaled deeply, feeling his chest pain him slightly as he held the smoke in for too long time. When he exhaled, he exhaled through his mouth, watching as the clouds drifted past his growing hair (thankfully, no longer were the bangs there. He had them trimmed off a week ago), then, inhaling the smoke rapidly through his nose and exhaling with a gust of air through his mouth once more.

“ _Fancy_ , aren’t you, Cookie?”

Alex spoke up, regarding the smoking tricks. Jamie turned to him and grinned, high enough to no longer feel so stressed and cold.

Naturally, he still felt this way, since Alex had not yet come clean, though the grass had made him feel naturally at ease.

Nick spoke up on how he was hungry, though there was no food they could use to cook.

Alex suggested that they call up room service, though Matt warned them that they should not for they had illegal substances with them and could get charged if they were caught. Alex laughed at the thought, and Jamie, blue eyes bloodshot, clothes smelling of the strong odor that was marijuana, turned to look at the brown eyed boy.

His pupils were already dilated, though he appeared calmer than his first trip.

“Al, ‘ow do?”He asked.

Alex smiled broadly, his messy hair falling and obscuring most of his face, “Oh, fantastic!”

He ran his hand against the rough material of the carpet from where he sat (since Alex sat on the floor) and gave a sound that sounded similar to a moan, “Fantastic!... Everything feels so.. different when you touch it..”

Nick and Matt burst out laughing, and eventually so did Jamie.

The atmosphere was welcoming and funny and interesting.

Matt and Nick wanted to stay longer, though they left soon after sharing a laugh, to get food. They decided on three extra-large pizzas from the pizzeria two blocks away, and on plenty of water. As the two other men big goodbye to Alex and Jamie, promising to return soon, Jamie turned on the television, placing his feet on top of the table top as a sign of relaxation.

Through the sound of some National Geographic program:

“Potion Approachin’s about you.”

Jamie knew Alex had said something, though he was having trouble hearing him, “What?”

“Said – ‘Potion Approachin’s’ about you, Jameh.”

Jamie chuckled oddly, though he could not fight the tint that grew on his cheeks, matching the colour of his eyes, “Sure it is, Al.”

Alex stood up from the floor, swaying a bit and saying that the ground was moving.

He stumbled as he took a step forward, and when he gripped onto the couch, he saw the black leathery material slip over his hands and cover his fingers completely. He shook his hands away for moment, lips slightly parted and eyes large, then really focused his attention on Jamie, “Potion Approachin’s for you, it’s about you, the song.. You’re the outline.. On the singles cover art.. You are my art.. And ‘Haven’t Got My Strange’ is about you to.. You’re the love that fell into the pocket of me favourite coat… Yeah, yeah..”

Jamie was silent, slowly processing the words, as he lowered his feet from the table top and ran his hands through his hair, “Stop this, Alex. Stop, ‘right? Tell Alexa about us, and then you can do this..”

“How does it make you feel, Jameh?”

Jamie scowled, as Alex brought himself up properly and sat down on the couch next to the older man, “What do you mean?”

“How.. How do you feel when I tell you these things?”

“Why?”

“’Cause,” he turned to look at Jamie, and all Jamie could focus on where the strands of hair that obscured him from viewing the younger man’s brown eyes, “I want you to know I mean ‘em.. I can’t break things to Alexa right now, and, fook, I know.. It bothers you that I can’t, but it’s ‘cause I still care for her. Not really romantically, but… I dunno, Jameh, I just do… Yeah, like, you don’t hate Katie, you still care for her.. Just not the way you used to, right?”

“Yes.”

“So you understand, love?”

“.. I do.”

Jamie found himself leaning in, feeling the warmth that only love could create trickle through him.

Alex slowly reached out, brushing his fingers against Jamie’s cheek and biting his bottom lip to stop his growl of pleasure from escaping him, “It’s the blotter, Jameh… Makin’ it all so intense, but fook, even if I was off it, the feelin’ you give me is heavenly.”

Jamie told him he agreed, as he had missed Alex’s touch.

He told himself that they could work out these Alexa issues later. Jamie leaned in slowly, his bloodshot eyes half-open and his lips dry.

As he neared Alex, the brown eyed boy hissed out when Jamie slipped his hand in his own, “Shite… Didn’t we say no sexual stuff when were on summat?”

“Just hand holdin’, Al.” Jamie chuckled, “and we’re always on something, aren’t we?”

Alex laughed and Jamie smiled.

Though, hand holding, he assumed it would become more than that – not that he minded.

Even as Alex had spoken, his eyes had been heavy lidded and their proximity was close. Jamie was so close he could feel Alex’s warmth breath against his skin - and he assumed that he himself just smelt like marijuana. It made him slightly self conscious, (since in all honesty, marijuana did not have a necessarily pleasant odor) and he said this aloud, receiving a chuckle from Alex as he moved away from Jamie’s lips are nuzzled his face into Jamie’s neck.

Alex said that it made him horny - the idea that Jamie smelt and tasted like marijuana since he loved the plant so much.

Everything moved slightly slower than usual, or perhaps he was just imagining things, though he could not deny the shivers that ran across his back.

Alex’s breath was husky and smooth against the soft skin of his neck and the outside of his ear. He was whispering about how whenever Jamie spoke, he saw wisps of pale blue cloud his vision, and that those were the sound waves traveling through the air.

Alex wrapped his arms around Jamie’s waist, and Jamie found his legs parting to give more room in case Alex wanted to sit on his lap. Alex did so, resting himself on Jamie’s thighs and moaning out into Jamie’s shoulder about how it felt so good. Soon enough, Jamie’s thoughts grew rude as he felt the smaller man’s arousal rub against his hips.

“Alex..”

His voice was soft and he felt warm all over.

Alex was grinding against his hips, whispering some words Jamie could not comprehend, though he assumed most of them were along the lines of: _“_ fook _me, Jameh._ Please _, love.” “Al.”_

Jamie began, as Alex moved his hands away from Jamie’s waist and onto his shoulders, as he began kissing Jamie’s neck, “Matt and Nick could walk in.”

Alex sucked on his skin, leaving hickeys in places they had not been in a long time. Jamie’s voice hitched, and he realized that they had only had proper sex (since groping was not included) once, “A-any minute n-now.”

“Ah, you’re right, babe..” he pulled away for a moment, abandoning Jamie’s neck and no longer grinding his hips, but still feeling hard as hell. Alex’s hair draped over most of his face and his lips were rather chapped, though he still spoke, “Can’t go on the couch.. Can we?”

“Nah.. It's uncomfortable.”

Jamie was blushing and giggling, as Alex stood up and stumbled around the room until he reached the nearest wall.

Alex turned to face Jamie, his pupils dilated and his hands slightly shaky as he struck one hand out to emphasize the fact:

“Come here, god damit.”

Jamie got up, though he felt slightly confused, “Where we headin’?”

“Bafroom,” he slurred, swinging open the bathroom door and slipping inside, “follow me, _James_.”

Jamie rubbed his eyes and followed, closing the door behind him and locking it with a soft _‘click’_.

Alex’s smile was laced with the air of seduction, and Jamie began blushing rapidly at the sight of his love.

Alex shot him a rapid kiss in the air, as he turned on the shower so that the water fell violently and loudly against the tiled shower floor.

“What are you doin’?”

Alex, leaning in and undoing Jamie’s belt (causing Jamie to gain an erection at his touch), said simply: “I’m mufflin’ the sounds we’ll make, love.”

*******

Alex and Jamie decided on a date to contact Alexa and spill the truth.

It was after their finale concert of their Humbug tour.

Unfortunately, Alex bailed on Jamie, leaving Jamie chatting with Alexa at their last concert at the after-party, making up some dumb excuses as to why Alex was late.

She was disappointed, as she had assumed that they would merely be partying together.

Oh, how she was wrong.

Yet still, the truth did not come out and Jamie grew tired of Alex’s cowardliness.

He told him to his face; later of course, though this time he did not accept a kiss or a declaration of love.

He was sick of, done.

He was over lying to Alex and having to watch Alex play her over. Even though, even though Alex made it seem although Jamie was his everything – it was not enough.

It was not enough, since Alex would not hold his hand in public. He would not kiss his cheek, tell him he loved him, make him blush and be proud of it, not outside some hotel room or the backstage bathroom of some concert.

He did so with Alexa, in those moments where they would meet up at festivals or concerts.

It was hurtful, and as always, it made him feel pointless.

Therefore, Jamie called it quits, putting a stop to them.

At least until things changed.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re both so in love,” Jamie would say, forcing a thin lipped smile as Alex wrapped his arm around Alexa and Jamie tried not to vomit too much in his mouth, “it’s adorable, really.”
> 
> In other words, the struggles of transitioning to the fourth album, "Suck It And See".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another filler chapter, I suppose. I do feel bad that I don't update so often, though I hope I make it up to you with long chapters haha.. Well, here we embark on the fourth album ("Suck It And See"). Let me know what you'd like to see in the upcoming chapters, I'm open for inspiration.
> 
> Thanks (again) to everyone that stopped by, gave kudos and/or commented.

The “Humbug” tour ended as all their previous tours had – emotional goodbyes from their last crowd, and Alex thanking them from the bottom of his heart.

They had had quite the experience these past two years since the production of Humbug, though they were ready to let it go and start fresh. That was how it always went.

Even though they were in a band together, Jamie somehow managed to avoid Alex… well, sexually at least.

He had not touched his lips, or any other part of the dark haired boy’s body, since he had broken up with him at their last festival before “Humbug” ended.

Midway through this whole process, Alex decided that he would like to move in with Alexa in New York. Of course, she was overjoyed about the whole idea, gushing and always seen holding hands with Alex whenever Jamie was bestowed with the bittersweet moment of running into the couple.

“You’re both so in love,” Jamie would say, forcing a thin lipped smile as Alex wrapped his arm around Alexa and Jamie tried not to vomit too much in his mouth, “it’s _adorable_ , really.”

On one of those faithful, painful, encounters with Alex and Alexa in New York, the thin model asked him why he was so often in New York. He felt Alex’s brown eyes gaze at him behind a pair of sunglasses, despite the awful mid-November weather. He ignored the man, dusting him away with nothing but a mere rapid sideways glance.

“Actually,” Jamie began, though before he could even reach his second word, he was cut short by Alex.

“- He’s stayin’ with Katie, aren’t you, Cookie?”

Jamie was thankful for the gust of wind that blew and messed up Alexa’s hair, so that she was forced to look away, as he shot a glare at Alex.

He had not, in fact, been staying with Katie even though the blonde had a flat in New York. No, he had been staying with his second cousin who had invited him over for some fair amount of time. And although both Alex and Jamie knew that the bullshit with Katie was not true, Alexa did not. As she fixed her hair, apologizing for the inconvenience, and smiling warmly, Jamie bit his cheek and said that he was really staying with Katie.

“When are you going to pop the big question, James?” Alex looked up slightly at Jamie, and Jamie could fell the venom in his words.

His love struck girlfriend could not, for she had not known Alex for as many years as Jamie had, and she did not know how sly the younger man could be when it came to lying.

Besides, his eyes were shielded by sunglasses, and his eyes had always been the key to finding out the truth.

Alex knew this, and Jamie had to stop himself from sneering as Alex shot him a discrete smirk.

It had been a couple of months since their breakup; seven to be exact, therefore Jamie was still baffled as to why Alex had still so much poison in him.

Then again, he had it in himself as well; he just made no effort to rub it in Alex’s face.

It was odd, if anything, Jamie had begun to view things as being alright now... Then these things would occur, Alex would be a right arsehole. He was the one to distance himself from Alex, attempting to show the shaggy haired boy that this was permanent until he picked sides.

Yet Alex, instead of doing what Jamie was quite boldly implying him to do, would bring back the past with every chance he got.

Why did he?

It was the past after all, was it not?

_“The feelin’ you give me is heavenly.”_

_“Potion Approachin’s for you, it’s about you, the song.. You’re the outline.. On the singles cover art.. You are me art.. And ‘Haven’t Got My Strange’ is about you to.. You’re the love that fell into the pocket of me favourite coat.”_

_“I love you, Jameh.”_

The reason was quite clear to see -he missed the past dearly, both of them did.

At least the sweet moments, the bitterness was something they no longer wanted to taste.

Yet the both knew they would still taste the foul sensation in their mouths, perhaps even after seven months of nothing.

 _“Al!”_ Alexa teased, nudging her boyfriend slightly, and Jamie slipped out of his thoughts and back into reality, “Jamie could ask whenever he wants, if he even wants to ask at all.”

The blue eyes forced a laugh, though now he was biting onto his tongue with such a pressure that he tasted blood, “Dunno yet.. But I’ll let you know when!”

He checked his watch, slipping his hands into the pocket of his coat and pulling out his gloves. He made up some excuse about how he had some doctor’s appointment to go to, bidding farewell to the two figures on the gray sidewalk.

_"I love you, Jameh."_

How much of it was true? That was all he craved to learn.

*******

Upon his arrival home to his cousin’s flat, Jamie did something he had not done in two years.

He called Katie Downes.

He sat on the small, squeaky bed in his cousin’s spare room of their apartment, one hand by his ear (holding his cell phone), and the other between his thighs, drumming nervously on his leg. The only way he had found her number, was by rummaging through his old stuff from a while back, when he still lived full-time in Sheffield.

He remembered those days, struggling to pay the bills for his flat when they were not on tour, and him and Katie only being able to afford crappy wine to get drunk off.

Then, came _“Favourite Worst Nightmare”’_ s success, which followed Katie joining more adult magazines, and then they begun to appreciate the finer things in life - more parties, better liquor, something nice to smoke on the side, sex. Nicer clothes, that were not some shitty tracksuit. It had taken some time to adjust, though he had not, and was still not  complaining. Things had changed for the better, had they not?

As his phone kept dialing, he strolled farther down memory lane, attempting to recollect what Katie had resembled.

Not that he had fully forgotten of course – she had always been an attractive young woman, all long blonde hair, large breasts, small waist, fit legs.

In another world, where he was not attracted to men, he could see what he had originally seen in her.

Hell, he had always been able to honestly call her “beautiful” or “hot”. And their sex had been pleasurable, no doubt about it. For even though he had an attraction to those of the same gender, thrusting into the feminine genitalia had never felt “gross”. If he focused on the sensations that ran through him, or maybe that attractive lad that he got a glimpse of sometime before, he was fine.

Finally, he heard her voice answer the phone. It took him a moment to realize that there was someone on the other line, and only when she repeated her “hello”, did he find his voice:

“Hello.”

“Who’s this?”

He could picture her scowling, and he was hit with the recollection of the way she sounded when she laughed on the phone, or the way her voice shook when she cried or yelled. Memories of the day he had broken up with her.

In all honestly, he was surprised she had not gone public about their split. If anything, he was surprised that the media had not covered it, or that at least her representative had not spoken about the topic. It seemed that for most of the world, they had been together since 2007 and were still going strong. Even Alexa believed this..

Then again, Alex was to blame for that.

He wanted to laugh ironically at the whole situation, yet then he remembered he had to speak:

“Uh- hi- it’s Jameh.”

There was a pause and Katie’s voice hitched slightly, “Jameh _Cook?”_

He gave a nervous laugh, “How many other Jamehs do you know, Katie?”

She did not laugh at his dumb joke, and he took this as a bad sign since he had technically attempted to pry into her personal life after years of not being a part of it, “Why are you callin’ me?”

Jamie grew silent for an instant, thinking to himself – why had he called her? What had he wanted to obtain? Then he remembered what Alex had told Alexa, and how he had said it was true. Knowing that Alexa and Katie were friendly if anything, he decided then that it was best to make things seem as solid between himself and Katie as they could.

“I..-“ His deep eyes darted rapidly around the room, searching for something to say. After a moment, they stumble onto his guitar, and how he and Alex had been working on some tunes recently for some potential fourth album – “I was wonderin’ if you wanted to get coffee or summat this Friday?”

Jamie heard her sigh a contemplating sigh, then speak, “Where are you callin’ from?”

“New York.”

“Oh.”

He still held that soft concern for her, he had always cared for her, romantically (vaguely), platonically (strongly), “What’s wrong?”

“Nothin’... I’m in California until Friday evenin’, so unless you’re up to buy me, what, four double espressos, then yes. We could meet up, I ‘suppose.”

“..Eh, alright.”

There was a slight annoyance in her tone, and Jamie gently remembered how one of the only things Katie did not like about him, were his casual use of “eh”:

“What does that mean, Jameh?”

Jamie found himself chuckling softly as he spoke, the nervousness melting and floating away, now replaced with a pleasant comfort, “Means that I’ll pick you up at eight?”

Katie gave a small laugh, and Jamie experienced an odd warmth he had not felt in a while.

Not necessarily romantic, more like a happiness, that she gave him.

Truth be told, Katie had always had a glow of positivity around her, and Jamie had always found her smile to be rather contagious, “You think I still live there?”

“I’m hopin’ you do, otherwise I’ll be lookin’ like a right knob, knockin’ on someone else’s door.”

He found himself imagining her smile, and sure enough there was the old sensation tugging at his lips. Katie told him she did in fact still live there, though that she would call him upon her arrival and let him know when to come pick her up. Jamie agreed with her.

As unusual as the emotion was, having a genuine content emotion radiating from oneself when you talk with an ex from two years ago, Jamie felt fine - lighter if anything.

*******

When Friday rolled around, Jamie received a call from Matt midway through the evening, just before eight, as he prepared to leave his cousin’s flat.

His phone buzzed in his pocket, and as he took it out and answered, Matt told him that he, Alex and Nick were going out, Alexa might come though, and that he was curious if Jamie wanted to join them.

Jamie found himself smiling as he spoke, “Sorry, but I can’t tonight, mate. I’m meetin’ up with someone.”

“Alright,” Matt spoke, casually, “Some other time.”

“Yeah, of course.” Jamie agreed.

“Who’s this you’re meetin’ with?” His friend asked, as Jamie could picture Matt smirking playfully, “Anyone I might know?”

Jamie snatched his coat from the coat hanger by the door of the flat, waving a wordless goodbye and a thin lipped smile to his cousin as he stepped outside the apartment, somehow managing to do up his jacket, “Yeah. If anythin’ you all know her-“

_“-Her?”_

Jamie chuckled in the hallway, “Yes, a woman!”

“What’s goin’ on”, Jamie heard Nick call out in the background of Matt’s setting, “Is Jameh comin’ or not?”

“He isn’t,” Matt spoke, “because he’s goin’ out with a girl!”

Nick replied somewhat quietly, though Jamie could still hear him, “A _girl?”_

When a third voice joined in, this voice slightly deeper now compared to how it had previously sounded, due to several cigarette packets over the years, made Jamie stop smiling slightly and shiver a bit. He told himself that he was only catching a shiver due to New York’s nasty weather recently... Either that or the hallway was just poorly insolated.

“Who’s got a girl?”

“Jameh, Al!”

Matt sounded positively thrilled for Jamie, and for that, Jamie was flattered.

Nick seemed slightly confused, and Jamie understood why he would be – since he had came out to Nick about his sexuality, the night after he had slept with Alex. And Alex..

Alex was..

_“Hey!”_

Jamie heard Matt shout in the distance, followed by the rustling of the phone against some sort of material, then the harsh intake of breath, and a voice flood his head like warm water, giving him a feeling of bitter sweetness he had recently been trying to desperately avoid.

“So, you got a girl, _James?”_

“As a matter of fact, I do, _Alexander.”_

There was the equal amount of negativity laced within their words, so tightly wound that those outside of their past could not detect it.

“Who is it then? We’re all _dyin’_ to know, Cookie.”

The nickname threw Jamie off guard, since Alex seemed relatively interested, and Jamie was stunned for a moment, before forcing his voice to develop a dryness he had commonly used in their first interviews as a band:

“Katie.”

_“Downes?”_

“Yeah.”

_“Holy shit.”_

“He’s with Katie?” Matt questioned in the back, “Well – _good for you_ , mate! It’s _nice_ to see you two worked things out!”

Nick chuckled in the back (after Matt had spoken), and although the words Nick spoke seemed to be only said since Matt was in the room (due to the fact that Matt was unaware of Jamie’s attraction to men), Jamie felt odd hearing them and applying the thought with women:

“Use protection, eh!” The bassist spoke up.

"It's only coffee, wankers!" he piped up, though they all knew that these were merely harmless jokes.

Laughter flooded the other receiver, though Jamie could not tell if Alex’s own laughter was part of the mix, everything was far too loud.

There was the sound of footsteps and Jamie heard Alex announce that he was going to the bathroom. He brought the phone with him apparently, since he still kept Jamie on the line and told him firmly not to hang up on his way there.

Jamie presumed his mates were most likely at Alex and Alexa’s, since Alex was the only one out of them to actually have a place of his own in New York.

The red faced man began walking down the hallway, avoiding the elevator on his way down, as he preferred to take the stairs. He did not enjoy elevator rides if there was another person in the thing, especially if he was on the phone because he felt although the person could hear and know everything going on.He did not like that, people being aware of what was in his head - he was a rather introverted bloke.

As Jamie began walking down the concrete steps of the modern building, he heard Alex click the bathroom door shut behind him on his end, then seethe into the phone, “What you doin’ with Katie, Cookie?”

“Gettin’ coffee, you pervert.”

Alex chuckled, and he sounded somewhat hurt, though Jamie viewed himself as being in no position to ask. They were merely friends now… Showing so much concern could mess up what Jamie was trying to clear out.

“Why are you doin’ this, Jameh?”

“What are you talkin’ about?”

“Meetin’ up with Katie.. After she made no effort to do stuff with you.. For _two_ years.”

"Oh I _dunno_ ,” Jamie snapped harshly, feeling the viciousness rise in his voice, “Maybe because you’re a _twat_ who doesn’t know what to do with his love life.”

“I-“

“Oh, and also because you - you fookin’ idiot – told Alexa that I was livin’ with Katie. They’re pretty friendly, those two, they talk. They’re bound to bring it up. Why would you do that?”

“I was-“

“ _Joking?_ You were tryin’ to be funny. Well, I’m not laughin’. I have to make it look like I’m friendly with her, even though I’m not. Because of you - you _fookin’_ wanker.”

“Jameh.. I – I wasn’t plannin’ on it becomin’ this. I- You didn’t have to play along.”

“So you’re _blamin’_ me?”

“I- Well, fook, I am, sorry, love.”

“ _Stop_ saying that!”

Jamie nearly shouted. He was growing more and more agitated by the dark haired lad on the other line as he exited the building and into the dark streets.

He decided then that he would walk to Katie’s, not really caring about the distance, since he had several things to cover with Alex.

“We’re _not_ together! You have no right to be sayin’ that, Alex. Keep the pet names for your _girlfriend_.”

He had thrown in a sneer at the end of his sentence, visibly sneering as he walked through the harsh wind, and vocally, being rather snappy and cold.

Alex was silent for a bit, apparently mulling his thoughts and words over, careful to not mess up once more. Jamie did not care if Alex was silent for the remainder of his walk, he could not care less.

“You’re right, I shouldn’t. Sorry, Jameh.”

“Yeah, yeah... Whatever.”

“...”

“…”

“Jameh?”

He snorted a reply, “What?”

“I’ll _fix things_ up, between Alexa and Katie. Don’t worry about it.. Please.”

“Well to late, Desert Princess,” – he found himself making references to a joke Matt had made about Alex’s hair during their _“Humbug”_ tour – “I’m worried _sick_.”

He could hardly hear over the wind busting up his connection, though he managed to make out Alex ask if he was walking. Jamie lamely said he was, and Alex told him that the temperature was going to drop a lot soon, so he wanted him to take a cab to Katie’s.

“So.. you’re _only_ gettin’ coffee?”

“Why do you care?” Jamie was still in a sour mood.

“I’m just askin’, that’s all.”

“Well..” As Jamie signaled for a cab, in hopes of one appearing, “Yeah, I’m only gettin’ coffee.”

“Do.. Do you have hopes of more?”

“No.” he replied dryly, huffing into his phone as he felt his hands grow cold and his nose redden, “Fook me, it’s cold.”

“Are you wearin’ gloves?”

“Are you me mother?”

Alex chuckled, and Jamie missed the way things used to be.

*******

Katie greeted him with a smile and a handshake.

They had four coffees each – Katie to stay awake and chat, Jamie to stop thoughts of Alex returning and to try and be as polite as possible to his ex. She got her coffee high around her third coffee, becoming a bit shaky and rather giggly, though even by his fourth coffee, Jamie was unfazed.

His tongue was burnt in several places from the warm liquid, though he was otherwise untouched by the effects of the caffeine. Perhaps, since it had never really done anything to him (aside from when he was hung over). They laughed and the mood was rather pleasant really.

Until Katie decided to bring up Jamie’s sexuality – she had no negative intentions, merely she was curious. She asked him if he had found someone, to which Jamie mumbled something along the lines of: “It didn’t work out really, but I had.. I ‘suppose.”

“What was he like?”

“As a _person?”_

Katie giggled as she sipped her drink, “Yes, of course!”

“Oh – “

“Unless you want to talk about more intimate things” She chirped with a wink.

Jamie blushed, but continued “.. Well, he was kind, charmin’, a fookin’ _hopeless romantic_ to. He wasn’t all that good at makin’ jokes, though he sometimes made a good one here and there. Real great lad..”

“D’you still see him around?”

“Sometimes.”

“Is it romantic, when you see him?”

He shrugged his shoulders lamely, “No.. I mean, I try to keep it platonic.”

Katie scowled, “But why? If you loved him, why would you? Like, if you two were somethin’ real special, why don’t you try and make it work?”

“I want to, but he already has another partner.. And I don’t want to be his side-project. It makes you feel lousy and pointless..”

“You’re so _loyal_ to your partners.. I always admired that, Jameh..”

Neither one of them were sure why Katie did it, maybe because the early morning was approaching and her caffeine high was coming to an end, but Katie gently placed her small, dainty, hands over Jamie’s large ones. She smiled, more to herself than Jamie, and then, when she noticed what she was doing, whispered an apology and pulled her hands away.

The room grew quiet, and Jamie remembered the way they used to be, him and Katie.

“It’s alright, Katie.” He said softly.

“But you’re gay.. I can’t really do that.. Y’know, not anymore at least. It wouldn’t be right, to you or me.. Because it’s fake, like a mask..”

Her voice trailed off and the room became silent. Outside Katie’s flat, Jamie heard the distant sounds of cars driving by and other city sounds, and he attempted to focus on that instead of what he was thinking. He realized how much he had hurt her when he had broken up with her, and he felt the guilt set in. It had not really been there, but now, here it was, two years late. He should not have gotten together with her in the first place. It was wrong that he had used her as distraction for men, it was wrong and he regretted it.

“I’m sorry.. about everythin’, Katie.”

“No, it’s fine. I’m glad that you told me.. I just want you to be _happy_ , Jameh. It’s better this way, because I wouldn’t have been happy if I knew you were miserable-“

“You _didn’t_ make me miserable! You’re truly _wonderful_ , Kate.”

“Thanks.. God, I’m sorry, I’m actin’ like such a _baby_.”

“Don’t be.. It’s good to be open, innit?”

She smiled at him, as her long hair fell in her face and she brushed some of it behind her ear, and Jamie watched as she sipped some more coffee.

He joked about how she seemed to be quite into coffee, drinking a lot of it at a time, and she laughed and grinned and said that if she was into coffee, then he was into dick.

Jamie laughed, fully this time, and Katie did as well. Her high, cheerful laughter filled the room, and Jamie found the uncomfortable air die off.

Perhaps, he had been wrong, all those years ago.. Maybe, maybe, they could still be friends. After all, friends was all they could be, anything above that would only destroy them, it would not be true, therefore it would not function.

Once the laughter was done, he forced a thin lipped smile and shrugged his shoulders, drowning the last of his coffee with a final swing, and standing up from the table of Katie’s kitchen.

“I should get goin’, it’s late..” Katie stood up, to walk him out, as Jamie began to slowly walk towards the door. Her voice sounded full of promise, and it appeared that she had genuinely enjoyed herself, “We –um- let’s do this again sometime.”

“Of course we will.” She gushed and he smiled, genuinely.

As he was halfway down her carpeted hallway, unaware that she was still at the door, he turned around only at the sound of his name.

The voice was clear and high, with an almost sort of tease to it, she spoke as if she viewed it all as a lovely joke:

“Jameh!”

As he turned around, he spoke, “Mmhm?”

“I know about the ‘Lex thing.”

His heart skipped a beat, and for a moment, panic raced through him like cold air. Had Katie pieced things together and found about him and Alex? Or worse, had she told Alexa? Was Alexa even aware of any of this, or was Katie mad?

He called out, rather pathetically, "What?"

“She called me and asked me how ‘we’ were before you came. I told her we had broken up recently, but were still good friends, and you were now stayin’ with your cousin. That’s about as close to the truth as it is, innit?”

“Are you mad?”

“I find it funny, actually.”

“Oh.”

“Lighten up, babe! She took it well, it’s all good.”

He chuckled, and Katie smiled, “See you around, Jameh.”

As she closed the door behind her, disappearing back into her flat, Jamie realized that yes, they could indeed be good friends.

*******

As soon as Jamie got back home, he called Alex’s cell.

He needed to make sure Alex did not confuse Alexa, tell her something slightly off, and ruin it all.

As he paced his room, wearing his pajamas (an undershirt and boxers), he waited impatiently for the deep voice to pick up and fucking answer.

Finally, Jamie heard Alex pick up, and was greeted by drunken shouting of:

 _“Jameh!_ You fookin’ .. lad, missin’ all the _fun!”_

Jamie scrunched up his noise in disgust, not satisfied with the loud noise, as he held the phone farther away from his ear, as he spoke:

 _“Shh!_ Listen, I have news about Katie and Alexa..”

He explained the whole situation to Alex; receive loud shouts of “alright” and “got yeah, love”.

He cringed at the pet names, just as he had before, for the same reasons as well, though when he asked Alex how much he had had to drink, Alex mumbled something about more LSD usage. Jamie sighed, because, well fuck, Alex was already starting to trip again and they were not even done writing their first handful of songs for their upcoming album.

As if he could read minds, Alex began rambling (or hissing now, really. Oddly enough, now he was talking quieter) about how he hoped to release the album in the summer, and how he had found a great fascination with complex titles (such as “The Thunder-Suckle Fuzz Canyon”) and how he wanted to incorporate them into the album.

Jamie laughed dryly, not really up for Alex and what he talked about when high, since it brought back things he did not want to remember, and told him he would text him about the whole situation later.

*******

When December rolled around, Jamie was told that he could stay with his cousin full time (by his parents and cousin, Morgan, himself) if he wanted to, or that he could always go back to England if he felt like it.

He responded to his family, by telling them that they were working on a fourth album at the moment, him and Alex discussing riffs, and that they would work something out, in more depth later, though that there was nothing to worry about it.

That was the truth; they were working on a fourth album together.. Writing riffs with Nick, as Jamie avoids Alex as much as he could.

Stupid as it was, avoiding him – it was dumb because he would be seeing the dark lad for quite some time now, forever perhaps, and therefore, the past was bound to resurface.

As unfortunate as it was, the past was bound to resurface.

Jamie decided early on that he would ignore the warning signs as long as he could.

Only pay their past the attention it desires until the stories have dragged him down and Alex is everything around him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sexual tension and sexual situations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired greatly by @iambrianstorm 's Jamex smut scene, and also by @Rhanon_Brodie 's Jamex. 
> 
> Regardless, I am proud of myself for posting this so soon, but then again, I'll regret it in a couple of hours when I have to get up for school ughh. As always, thanks for stopping by and checking this fic out. It means a lot.

Around mid-December, Alex traded in his shoulder-length brown curls for a shorter version that reached his ears and concealed his forehead with dark bangs.

They sat in Jamie’s living room in New York, working on some riffs. Alex sitting on the Lazy-boy, his knees tucked into his chest, a notebook in hand, jotting away at potential lyrics, his guitar nearby, Matt in the kitchen, Jamie on the loveseat, and Nick walking in, to let them know that James Ford had invited them to stay at a hotel in Los Angeles.

“Ah, back to LA..” Alex mumbled more to himself then to anyone, “Wouldn’t mind that meself... What about you boys?”

Jamie shrugged, not really minding staying at a hotel.

He did not mind because he was growing concerned that his cousin was getting tired of him. Of course, the younger boy he was staying with would not say anything, but Jamie got the idea that he wanted to bring a girl over sometime, but felt uncomfortable doing so since Jamie was there - or, that he was not too proud of Jamie’s growing alcohol consumption. The band was also, unfortunately unaware of the topic, but it had begun to arise more recently.

It had begun when he had knocked on Alex’s apartment, only being there because the front man and Alexa had experienced a burst pipe earlier that day.

He had been in town, and they had called him, since Jamie’s original job had been plumbing and tiling bathrooms (before joining their band full-time).

There was no response upon his knocking, and due to the growing pain in his right arm from holding his toolbox for too long, Jamie had sighed and tried the doorknob. To his surprise, it had opened.

As he entered, he scowled a bit to himself since the flat had been oddly quiet. When he entered the kitchen, (where the pipe had burst, under the sink) he saw why. Alex had Alexa up against the counter, both of them half-undressed.

As he uncomfortably cleared his throat, the couple pulled away and Alexa forced on a thin-lipped smile, looking at the ground, while Alex shifted uncomfortably, placing his hands over his erection.

“Jameh...” the brown eyed man began, “thought you were comin’ later..”

“No –uh- you said two o’clock..”

“We fixed it,” Alexa said softly, her embarrassment visible, even thought she was relatively well at conceiving her emotions, “I thought Al called you about that.”

She eyed the toolbox in Jamie’s hands as he shifted uncomfortably under her cat-eyed stare, “Didn’t get a call.. Me phone’s been dead lately.”

He lied about that, he could already assume why Alex had not called him.

Alexa gave an odd nod, and Alex could not look at him.

Jamie felt the nausea hit him rather rapidly, growing from the pit of his gut and arising into his throat. It had been there, since he first laid eyes on the two.

“Sorry that I –er- interrupted summat.” He nodded lamely, licking his lips and turning on his heel, leaving the flat with his cheeks burning.

As he closed the door after him, he dashed to the nearest hallway plant and vomited out his contents.

His throat was sore when he was done and there was a light layer of cold sweat across his body. He shivered despite the pleasantly-warm climate in the building, setting his toolbox down on the floor and running his hands through his hair.

He needed a trim.

He needed to get out of this damn building, and he desperately needed to get some shots so he could forget about what he just saw and how his heart dropped to his stomach upon the view.

So he did - Jamie got piss drunk, sitting in the kitchen of his cousin’s flat (who had gone out that night) and crying a bit to himself. Taking the occasional swing of vodka between his thoughts, feeling like an idiot for being so sentimental – they were done, for fuck’s sake.

Alex stopped writing and nudged Jamie gently, snapping Jamie back into reality and motioning for the guitarist to pass him the cigarette packet that was on the coffee table nearby.

Jamie leaned over and tossed him the packet, avoiding him and revising his part for one of their potential songs on his guitar once the packet was out of his hand.

“Personally, I really like that,” Nick spoke up, as Matt entered the living room with some coke cans in his hands, “I think it’d be good to do some more work in LA. Sure be nicer than this shite weather.”

Jamie laughed at Nick’s comment, as Matt passed him a Coke.

“What you think about that, Helders?” Jamie questioned

“About LA and workin’ there?”

“Yeah.”

Matt shrugged, taking a sip of his Coke and speaking, “I think it’d be swell.”

Jamie smiled and nodded, thinking that he could keep his alcohol consumption under control until then, replacing the liquor and spirits with some sort of fizzy drink for a bit; if not a fizzy drink, then at least some cigarettes.

*******

When January came, they had arrived in their hotel in Los Angeles.

The flight had been brutal, with Jamie giving in to his cravings and drinking the night before.

The flew across America with the guitarist fighting off a nasty headache, Matt sleeping, Nick messaging his recent girlfriend, Kelly, over Skype, and Alex trying to ignore his cigarette cravings.

For the most part, it was a nice flight, yet for the other half it was dreadful.

“Oi, Cookie,” Alex piped up after a bit. The two of them were being ignored by a sleeping Matt and an occupied Nick, “Why you so grouchy, hmm? What’s botherin’ you?”

Jamie looked up from his sunglasses, resting his head in hands, “Rough night.” He mumbled.

“Drinking?”

Jamie nodded miserably.

“Why? What’ve you to wash away, James?”

Judging from the way Alex spoke, it appeared although he already knew the answer to his own question.

Jamie looked up at Alex and mouthed the words “piss off”.

Alex scowled, miserable on his own part due to his cigarette crash, “Why you drinkin’ again, Cookie?”

Jamie leaned in, his breath warm against Alex skin, and the brown eyed boy shivered slightly, though he pushed his thoughts aside, telling himself that Jamie had nothing to do with the shivers, “Why don’t you clean up the mess you’ve made?”

“What mess?”

“You _know_ what I mean.”

Jamie pulled away, and he glared out the airplane window when he felt Alex’s fingers softly brush against the tips of his own.

“What are you doin’?” He whispered, not even looking over at Alex.

“It’s harmless..” the other boy replied, a smiling tugging at his features when he saw the blush on Jamie’s cheeks.

Jamie snapped, pulling his hand away, _“Don’t.”_

“…”

“.. You slept with Alexa when I came to fix your pipes.”

“.. Is that why-”

_“-What?”_

“Jameh, is that why you’re drinkin’?”

Of course that was why. He missed him and wanted Alex to get his act together.

“No, I’m goin’ through some family stuff.. Me aunt Marge isn’t good.”

“Marge? Don’t suppose I’ve met her.. I know most of your family.”

That was true, there was no Aunt Marge.

Jamie’s cheeks reddened even more than they usually were when he felt Alex’s fingers slip past the seat barriers of the airplane seats and gently touch his own. This time, he did not pull away, “She’s fallen ill.. And she’s old. You never met her, ‘cause she never came down to High Green. She’s from Bristol.”

“Alright, Jameh.”

Jamie licked his lips, feeling his heart quicken as he tentatively allowed himself to slip his fingers between Alex’s, to hold Alex’s hands underneath the chair, away from prying eyes.

Secretly, just as before. They were the way they had always been, a secret.

“I miss you,” Alex mumbled, barely audibly now, due to the fact that their conversation was now strolling down a personal lane, becoming intimate, and they did not want to be overheard, “I want it back the way we used to be.”

Jamie inhaled sharply through his teeth, feeling the uncertainty arise inside him, and he replied rather lamely, “Oh..”

Jamie felt although Alex’s eyes could see right through him - through his lies and flimsy words, past his clothes, skin and bones, all the way into his soul. When those rich, brown irises gazed on him, Jamie experienced things he had not before, all the while believing that Alex could read every fragment that he was made up of.

This though, was most likely not a recent thing.

As Jamie had begun to piece the bits of the puzzle together, he seemed to have been references quite often in Alex's songs. Or perhaps, he was merely over thinking things?

“..Stop drinkin’, Jameh. It won’t do you any good.”

“That’s rich, Al.”

“You mean a lot to me, Jameh.”

Jamie opened his mouth to speak, removing his sunglasses with his free hand and pulling down the curtains by the window, ready to speak, only to be cut off by Nick who shut his laptop off, apparently done his conversation with Kelly.

“What’re you lot talkin’ about?”

Jamie’s hand slipped out of Alex’s, while Alex smiled, turning to Nick as he spoke, “Potential titles for that song where Matt sings a lot. Y’know that one?”

“Yeah, that.” Jamie chimed in.

“I’ve got a pretty good title, self-explanatory too.”

“Oh, what is it now, Mal?” Alex questioned.

“Brick by Brick.”

*******

Upon their arrival to Los Angeles, Jamie realized that he did not have much time to dwell on sentiments and conversations with Alex all that much.

They had decided that they would be putting a lot of effort into practicing together.

Alex wrote several songs over the course of those long weeks in the Sunny State.

He smoked a lot of marijuana too. They, the four of them, (unfortunately, John Ashton was no longer with them as their _“secret organist”_. Mainly because they had no plans to use organs or keyboards, and also because his wife had had a baby), got invited to several parties in Los Angeles.

At times, things got a bit wild. Though, by the time they did, they would all collect themselves and be only slightly fuzzy-minded of the previous night.

In the hotel, practicing away, writing away.

*******

Alex was invited to write some songs for an indie film by Richard Ayode, named “Submarine”.

He wrote them surprisingly quickly, while all his friends were fascinated by their sheer simplicity and beauty. The songs for the soundtrack were all consisted and created by an acoustic guitar and a few simple keyboard notes – released at the beginning of March.

*******

James Ford, the man who had invited them to bring their current work from New York with them to LA and tie the knot there, would occasionally work with them on their practice sessions.

On the day that Alex perfected _“She’s Thunderstorms”, “Black Treacle”,_   and _“The Blond-O’Sonic Shimmer Trap”_ (in terms of lyrics and melodies), Jamie cut his hair.

It was late-April, the year 2011, and Jamie had shaved off his beard that day (which he had begun to grow out. Matt joked about the facial hair, calling him a _“lumberjack”_ ).

Along with the beard, went his longer hair (that he had begun to wear in a bun). Matt came with him, the two of them walking down the sunny streets until they reached their desired address – Matt had brought a photograph of the hairstyle that they both agreed would suit Jamie best, the image well tucked away in the inside of his jean jacket.

He had to admit, he was still unaccustomed of the constant warm weather, though he was glad that he had now a million opportunities to wear short sleeves, or, if not that, then at least thinner clothing. He was; in all honesty, glad to shed his winter parkas and thick gloves for this.

Jamie sat in the barber’s chair, Matt standing around his chair, holding up positive chatter both between Jamie (to stop Jamie from becoming nervous and regretting the hair cut) and the barber (since Matt liked to discuss different ways of styling hair).

When most of his thick, soft brown locks of hair lay on the ground, Jamie got a good look of himself in the mirror. His hair had been shaved off on the sides, leaving a styled, crisp-clean cut on top. The looser, smaller strands of his hair had been gelled into place. It was different, and Jamie had trouble realizing this was indeed his own reflection.

“What do you think?” The barber asked, smiling, as he strolled over to his cashier, getting ready for Jamie to pay for his haircut, “You like it?”

“Yeah!” Jamie called out, loudly enough so that the barber could hear, though when the man was out of view, he restrained himself from touching the gelled hair. It was all so foreign, all so new.

“Jameh,” Matt said, looking down at Jamie from where he stood, “you look great mate!”

“I look like a World War II pilot, fook.”

Matt chuckled, resting a hand on Jamie’s shoulder. Jamie found the motion comforting, and slowly his self-esteem rose, “Nah, told you, suits you. You look like a right lady killer.”

 _“Lady Killer”_ , God, he would have not associated those words with himself had he the option, for he did not like women.

Matt only said so, because he was unaware that Jamie was gay. Jamie smiled, pushing aside the improper label of “lady killer” and mentally giving himself a name that was more suiting, before speaking, “Thanks, Matt.”

“Anytime, mate.”

*******

“You cut your hair?” Alex asked when they met up in Alex’s hotel room. They always practiced there, since the drum kit was located in Alex’s room and was the most difficult instrument to maneuver out of the room (very much unlike the guitars and bass).

“Yeah,” Jamie spoke, now feeling more comfortable about the situation, “What you think?”

_“Delightful..”_

Alex spoke, though he appeared rather dazed.

Matt had decided to go look at some more musical sights around Los Angeles with Nick, so Alex and Jamie were alone on their floor.

Scratching the back of his neck as he walked over to Alex, who was sitting on the porch of Matt’s hotel room, absorbing the sun like a reptile from down south in the tropics, Jamie forgot all about his hair- focusing more on Alex’s state of mind and odd word choice.

“’Ow do, Al?” Jamie asked, slight concern in his voice.

Alex turned over and smiled at Jamie. His sunglasses hung oddly on the side of his face, his hair ruffled gently by the breeze and his smile both genuine and infused with a substance of some sort.

“Fine, rather dandy, top notch.”

Jamie pursed his lips into a tight line, reaching out and pulling off Alex’s sunglasses.

“Been workin’ on some songs,” Alex mumbled, off somewhere in another world, “yeah, this album’s comi’ along so well, Jameh. I’m proper… excited about all of this.”

Alex lifted up his old notebook, showing some clear signs of lyrics and all sorts of verses, choruses, outros, and intros. Jamie ignored the voice that seeped into his mind, ignored the gentle hum that traveled through his ears as he processed the sounds and words Alex spoke, and muted the soft mellow warmth he felt when he felt the sun’s rays on him.

He studied Alex’s face, gently holding his face between his hands and turning him around left and right, from side to side, searching for any signs of acid usage, or any other drug of some sort. Confused, he opened his mouth to speak, only to be shushed by a grinning dark-haired lad.

“Bitch to find when you got eye drops, innit?”

Before Jamie could reply, the boy on the floor stood up and pressed his lips against his own.

They nearly fell over due to the sudden momentum Alex created, their shoulders crashing together and Jamie stumbling over his own two feet.

His mind buzzed with thoughts, his blue eyes shutting as if under a spell, and his blood boiling when his lips came into contact with the pair of lips that was constantly chapped and tasting of cigarettes. This time, they tasted of cigarettes, yes, though it was laced with the strong odor of marijuana and something else, Jamie was sure of it.

Jamie was breathless and blushing intensely, so overcome with the past and all it had offered to the point where he could not find a fuck to give about the present.

Alex’s tongue ran against his tongue, and the smaller boy pulled away for a second, gasping, “ _Let me in_. I haven’t tasted you in forever.”

He considered it, though he collected himself before he could do anything stupid.

Lips tingling with longing, he pressed his hands gently against Alex’s chest, attempting to place some distance in between them. Jamie’s blood felt although someone had sprinkled it with gunpowder and threw in a lit match. It seemed although it fizzled and burned as it coursed through his veins, and he could practically hear Alex’s desperate moans and whimpers still running through his mind, just as fresh as they had been moments ago.

Yet, he was confused by the sudden outburst, his feelings both painfully foreign and familiar, so much so that he was at a loss of words. Finally, when Jamie found his words, all that fell out was:

“What the fook are you doin’?”

Alex was just as breathless, and he to seemed to be rather confused at his own actions, “I.. The album’s done and comi’ out in a few days. Tour starts too.”

Jamie ran a hand through his short hair, “Yeah, no shite. But what are you doin’, Alex?”

“Alexa-“

At the mere mention of her name, Jamie’s heart beat began to race. It had been quite some time since Alex had had the nerve to mention her in a conversation where the only other contributing party was merely Jamie; therefore Jamie was eager to hear this news.

“- she knows somethin’s up. I can tell in her phone calls. Either that or she knows that she won’t be able to make it for the tour. I think we’ll be finished soon.”

Jamie scowled, rubbing his eyes to keep his fingers from twitching and reaching out to brush away the dark bangs that tickled Alex’s eyes, “How’d you know for sure?”

“Unfortunately, there’s no way to know for certain until the damage is done..”

“I figured.”

Alex nodded, “Yeah..”

A tense silence that had existed ever since Jamie had broken up with Alex settled in.

“Fook it,” Alex slipped out, “I want to proper honest with you now. I don’t want us to go through none of this bullshit hidin’ feelings and crap. Jameh, we know it’s nothin’ but confusin’ for fook’s sake.”

Jamie nodded, and for a bit they merely looked at each other. He shifted a bit under Alex’s gaze, returning to the uncomfortable image he gave off when he encountered a fan on the street or when he was pressed to answer questions in interviews.

“Cookie..” – Jamie looked up at the sound of the nick name. Alex shook his head, choosing his words – “I want you. I want _all_ of you, and I want us to be _honest_ about what’s goin’ on. Screw whoever we’re with, right.. If you _want_ , I mean… "

He cleared his throat, “Like, give it to me straight. If you wanna shag me in the washroom, go for it. I’m high on too much crap right now to give a damn if they hear me. _Let them_ hear me!”

“Why?” was all Jamie could muster.

Alex laughed, and as he did so, Jamie saw the brown iris dilate, “You’re the only one that’s made me feel like this. You do _crazy_ things to me, Jameh, make me do crazy things to meself. I take all of these drugs, but none of it compares to the high you give me. Better than coke, weed, liquor, fook, even LSD.. There, I gave it to you. And quite frankly I-“

Jamie burst into a smile, huffing out as he leaned in and silenced Alex.

Their lips pressed together, and Alex whimpered with pleasure. His lips were rough as they pressed against Jamie’s, though the way his tongue slipped into his mouth was sweet, and he found great pleasure in the way Alex held onto the back of his neck as they began tonguing madly.

Jamie’s legs stiffened when he felt Alex step on his feet, as their thighs brushed and the younger man dug his hands against Alex’s hips. His thumbs rubbed some odd shapes against the material of Alex’s T-shirt, while he felt the boy’s grind his hips against his.

Alex wanted more.

He showed his growing desire, as he pulled his lips away, nuzzling into the crane of Jamie’s neck.

His hands left the back of Jamie’s neck, stroking all the way down to his lower back, as his mouth searched for the place by Jamie’s collarbones that made him gasp.

He sucked on the soft, sun-kissed skin by the guitarist’s Adam’s Apple, until he pulled away and saw those lovely purple blotches that he eyed with such pride. He licked his lips and trailed them down where Jamie’s collarbones stuck out.

Jamie threw his head back, arching his neck as his voice hitched, for Alex had indeed found the spot he had been searching for.

 _“Cookie..”_ he drawled huskily against the other boy’s skin, causing goose bumps to run across his skin.

Alex smiled to himself when he saw the blush arise on Jamie’s cheeks and the erection poke against his hips. Hungrily, he kissed his neck, focusing on that special spot, and leaving his purple blotches wherever he pleased.

Not caring if they were seen by someone, or really now, _wanting_ them to be seen against his love’s neck.

_“Ah!”_

Alex bit down delicately against his neck, as Jamie bucked his hips and moaned out.

His hands gripped harder against Alex’s waist, tugging at his belt and undoing his jeans. When their erections rubbed, Jamie pulled away, red-faced and sweating slightly, “Where?” he asked eagerly.

Alex chuckled, a tint on his own cheeks. He dared to reach out and run a hand against Jamie’s chest, boldly reaching further and smirking at the arousal as his index finger danced across the bulge.

“Bed,” he replied simply, “might as well try and be proper, yeah? And I’m sick of fallin’ in the shower. M’not that old yet.”

Jamie laughed softly, “You’re jokes are lame.”

Alex walked over to the door of the hotel room and locked the door. As he made his way back to Jamie, he took the time to admire the boy’s broad shoulders and nice back, slapping his ass as he approached him.

“Yeah,” the front man spoke, as he pulled off his shirt and tossed it aside, his socks as well, “not like yours were ever any better.”

He leaned in and kissed those blue eyes again, his hands slipping down and undoing the other boy’s belt. When he undid the button and fly, Jamie hissed with pleasure and this only turned him on more. He squirmed out of his jeans, pulling away for a moment, and Alex took the opportunity to do with his own, seeing as there was nothing stopping him.

When all of their articles of clothing were off except for their boxers, Jamie felt his own eyes travel down. The dark haired lad told him it was nothing he had not seen before, and Jamie smirked, saying it something he wanted to see more often. He nodded to the bed in the other room, though Alex surprised him as he pinned him up against the wall.

“Thought we were goin’ to the bed?” the blue eyes inquired.

 _“Later_ , babe.”

Before Jamie could continue with any other kind of regular sentence, Alex slipped off his boxers, grinning at the erection that met him.

He slunk down to eye level, and when Jamie inquired about protection, Alex spoke:

“I know you’re not infected, neither am I,” he shrugged, “and.. I wanted to try it without anythin’, y’know, Cookie?”

Jamie took in that his words had begun to slurr, and when Alex looked up for the sign of approval, his pupils were huge and he was both with Jamie and someplace else at the same time.

Jamie nodded and when he felt Alex around him, his breath hitched in his throat and came out rather ragged.

He had not had that happen in a while, and frankly, he had missed it.

Alex began to take him in deeper, slowly adding the gentle pressure of his teeth to Jamie’s cock and Jamie squirmed, clawing at the walls, wiping his sweaty palms against his thighs and finally, knotting his fingers into Alex’s shorter hair. He was still not accustomed to the shorter locks of their “Suck It And See”, expecting the longer locks from “Humbug”, though he was not complaining.

Alex’s eyes darted up to look at Jamie, making the warmth in his balls start to work its way through to his abdomen.

 _“Faster,”_ Jamie whimpered, breaking out into a sweat, his hands shaky as the ran through Alex’s thick hair, and he craned his neck against the wall, his hips sticking out slightly, “Al! Ah, Al! _Alex_ , oh God, _more_!”

Alex took him in even more, his lips rubbing against Jamie’s shaft and his tongue running across his tender skin.

Jamie could barely string together words, all that was escaping his lips were pleas of: “faster”, “more” and deep moans that were surely far from quiet.

Alex began to rock a bit, and Jamie figured that he was most likely jerking himself off. Jamie’s eyes opened briefly, as he inhaled sharply through his nose, as Alex’s hand free hand danced and massaged his balls.

_“Alex! Alex! Al! Ah! Alex!”_

It became a chant that Jamie spoke, over and over, his hands shaking and his tights stiffening, as he pressed Alex’s head as close as it could go to his crotch.

Both their bodies were shacking slightly, and Jamie began to buck his hips slightly. He knew he was close, and Alex seemed to increase the speed of his other hand that he was using to jerk himself off. The rich brown eyes looked up at Jamie, not breaking away, and when he began to moan, his voice deep and full of pleasure, Jamie knew he was there.

“ _Alex!_ Ah! Alex, _fook_! Al! I-I,” Jamie stammered. His breathing had become heavy, his body coated in sticky, sweet sweat and his face redder than ever, _“Cumming!”_

His voice broke midway through “cumming” and grew higher in pitch, his hands pulling at Alex’s hair and an expression of pure ecstasy on his features. His whole body shook when he came, and Alex seemed to relish every moment. He licked and swallowed at everything he received, rather hungrily as well.

Alex pulled away when Jamie was done, licked his lips and finished off whatever was felt.

“Told you I’d suck you off, our first time, remember that?”

Jamie was gasping for air as he nodded a reply.

“Fook me, the wait was worth it.”

Jamie blushed and thanked him, while Alex continued, “But as you can see, there is a problem.”

“W-what’s that, Al?”

Alex smirked, “Love it when you call me that.. But..”

He nodded down at his erection, one hand still around his shaft. Even though Alex was as red-faced and sweaty as Jamie was, he seemed to have not came.

“I was goin’ to, really. I was ready.. but before I do, I wanna experiment s’more, Jameh.”

Jamie tilted his head sideways, “How so?”

“I wanna try summat I’ve never done before.. Think it’s cause of the blotter, but, babeh, I’m not complainin’.”

Jamie looked down at himself, “I dunno if I’m hard enough.”

A smirk burned on his lips, “We can always change that.”

The blue eyes blushed, “True.. But give me a moment. If I’m going in you arse, lemme at least use a condom, yeah? And get some lube.”

Alex shrugged, “Alright. I can smoke til then.”

Alex stood up, a bit shaky now. As the sun set outside the window overlooking the outskirts of Los Angeles, Alex stumbled over on shaky legs in search of his cigarette packet. Jamie went to his bedside table and pulled out the drawer. Once he found his condoms, he put one on and searched a bit more for the lubriacant. All this time, Alex smoked through two cigarettes, crushing them on the ashtray he had found near the cigarette packet (on the window sill). When the cigarettes were done, Jamie had himself lubricated and he called out to the older man by the window.

“Ready, Al?” Alex turned around to smile oddly, wiping his nose even though nothing was there and nodding.

He strolled over to the bed, hard as ever, and sat down next to Jamie.

“I wanna be the bottom.”

“Yeah, you sure?”

Alex nodded, reaching out and grasping Jamie’s erection, “Give it to me, Jameh.”

This set Jamie off, and he went on autopilot.

Alex lay down on the bed, his ass up in the air, while his fingers danced across the bed sheets. He mumbled something along the lines of how the blotter would be an interesting combination to this all, and that he swore he saw some the bed sheets designs moving away from his fingers.

Jamie rested his hands on Alex’s waist, his erection brushing against Alex’s lower back, “Tell me when.”

Alex bucked his hips impatiently, _“Now.”_

Jamie entered him, attempting to be a bit more quiet this time, though that promise broke rather quickly when Alex moaned out, “ _Jameh!_ Fookin’ hell!”

Jamie began a messy pace, going what felt good and what Alex told him to do.

 _“Faster!”_ Alex cried, his face pressed against the material of the bed, as his hands scrunched the sheets in his fists, “ _Give it_ to me! Yeah, oh fook _ye_ s, that’s it… Oh! _Oohh!_.. C’mon, _babeh_ , fook me _harder!”_

Jamie began going faster, and the bed began to squeak and shift beneath Alex.

“I-“ Alex began, though before he could process his words, he gasped out with pleasure and shot out.

Jamie soon followed him.

He made a mess, or really, both of them did. Just like two years ago, when they slept together during the production of “Humbug”, they slept together now. Just like before, the two of them lay exhausted in the messy bedsheets. It was not necessarily the nicest sensation, though Alex mumbled something about how he would clean it up later, so it was alright.

His legs tangled in with Jamie’s, and Jamie felt both dead and content at the same time.

“Never really spent a night together, did we, James?” Alex drawled, his eyes closed, his hair a mess and his head softly resting against Jamie’s chest, listening to the _“thump”_ of Jamie’s calming heartbeat.

“Nah..” Jamie yawned, feeling himself drift off to sleep.

“The middle of adventure seems like the perfect place to start..”

“..Sorry?”

“We might as well. I want to stay the night with you.”

Jamie sighed a content sigh as his response, as he heard Alex breath softly. How he loved this feeling, how he loved it when they were at peace and there was no barriers.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tour for "Suck It And See" became quite the turning point for all of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update. I've been preoccupied with summatives and exams, and I might struggle to update more often now. I'll try to update during the summer, though I'll tell you right now that I can't make any promises (since I'm going away with my family).
> 
> Regardless, hopefully this chapter satisfies. Let me know what you thought and what you would be interested in seeing in the upcoming chapter? Thanks for stopping by, reading this, or voting - it means a lot!
> 
> Find me on tumblr: @avisiontrick

“Suck It And See” kicked off on May 5th of that year.

Their “warm-up shows” taking place in Stockholm, then Oslo. Though, they planned to release the album on June 6th .

That first show was a bit rough for Jamie. He saw no honest reason to drink, for he was not sad, but he drank anyways. Really, all of them did though. They all took a shot of tequila backstage, then all had their own swings of beer here and there in between songs.

Jamie soon realized it was not enough to get him drunk, therefore, he decided to play it safe and not cross any lines.

“Stay pleasantly drunk.” he told himself. “Nothin’ more than that.”

*******

When the show was over, and they were exhausted and ready to sleep, Jamie texted Alex from his bunk in the motel – it was a simple text, though his heart skipped a bit when the reply came rather rapidly. In reply to _“I want to talk about us”_ came:

_Alex: “Come to my room and we can smoke a bit and chat. Doesn’t have to be personal.. If not that, can I come over?”_

Jamie smiled to himself and he told the dark haired boy to come to his room since his legs felt weak and he did not have the energy to be strolling around hallways so late at night. Alex told him that he was on his way, and a few moments later there was a knock at the door.

Jamie dragged himself out of bed, his knees in pain and suddenly feeling a bit light-headed, he pushed back his pain by biting his tongue and opening the door. Dark eyes and darker hair met him, a tired yet genuine smile on its owner’s lips.

“You called, Cookeh?”

Jamie nodded, rubbing his eyes as they stung from the harsh, bright light outside in the hallway. He stepped aside and let the lad enter, closing the door after him.

“Fook me, it’s dark in here.” Alex hissed.

Jamie felt something grab his wrist. It was Alex – he found comfort in holding onto something firm and safe, to relax his fear of knocking something fragile over or of falling over himself.

“You’re good, Turner. You won’t fall.”

When they finally arrived to the bed, Jamie flicked on the light by his nightstand, illuminating the room with a gently, orange glow. The light cast shadows all across the room, softly darting across Alex’s cheeks and defined nose, dancing and trailing on his pajamas, and shining slightly as it landed on his cigarette packet and his pendant across his neck.

The pendant was a different one from their _“Humbug”_ days. This new pendant was a simple, gold chain, a lot shorter in length this time – unlike its original form; a longer necklace with a golden charm dangling from one end.

“Want one?” Alex asked, shacking the packet a bit and outstretching the cigarette pack to Jamie, “No cost.”

Jamie could have sworn he saw him wink, though he accepted a cigarette and moved away from the bed. Alex frowned slightly, confused as to what Jamie was doing, and Jamie nodded to the white chairs in the kitchenette.

Alex joined him, placing the cigarette packet on the table top and seating himself opposite to Jamie.

Wordlessly, the guitarist placed an ashtray on the table, while Alex lit the tips of their cigarettes.

Blue eyes gazed out into a muted city, overlooking the tar black night and the distant colours that the city had to show. They were too far to hurt his eyes, but close enough to entice him. The dark colours that the nightlife had to offer slipping in past the window made it appear although Jamie’s cheeks were sinking in and emphasized the dark circles underneath Alex’s eyes.

“What are we?” Jamie asked softly, his cigarette burning and sizzling between his fingers.

“..Like you and I..” Alex’s brown eyes gazed from the smoke wafting from the tip of Jamie’s cigarette, to his eyes and darting to his ruffled hair. Slowly, he reached out and smoothed the odd ends that stuck out from the other boy’s cropped locks.

Jamie nodded.

Alex was thinking his words through, choosing them carefully and them revising them before he spoke. As his fingers smoothed out one last lock of dirty blonde hair, Jamie closed his eyes peacefully both at the sensation of fingers in his hair and also due to lack of sleep.

The front man had learnt, mainly through the media and they way they twisted and wound words, but also thanks to Jamie, that his words had a large impact and therefore they had to be precise and well thought out.

“What would you like us to be?” he asked finally, his voice thick with sleep and he yawned when he finished his question, covering his mouth with his hand as a sign of politeness.

Jamie paused, opened his eyes, puffing on his cigarette and shaking some ashes of the tip: “I’m not sure.”

Alex cocked his head sideways for a moment, studying Jamie for a fraction of this moment. His large, glossy eyes observed and took in small things (like how Jamie would occasionally glance out the window to gaze upon the distance city) and the prominent habits (such as how he would drum his fingers against the table top when he was in deep thought).

“Do you want us to be friends?”

Jamie shook his head, the answer clearly _“no”._

Alex smirked, “Of course not,” he said, though to no one in particular, “ _friends_ don’t do what we do, fook with each other in every sense of the word.”

Jamie smiled tiredly, rubbing his eyes, as he rested his elbow on the table and dangled the cigarette between his finger tips.

He opened his mouth to speak, though shut it rapidly, not necessarily confident enough to say what was on his mind. Alex noticed this as well and urged him to speak.

“I.. Well.. I’d like to be.. your _boyfriend_.”

“Oh.”

Alex swept his bangs to the side, and for a minute the guitarist grew concerned. Was this the rejection he had always feared? Was this what it felt like? He was afraid that Alex was not pleased by the idea of being more than a shag and some kisses here and there. Had the _“I love you”_ s hours ago been a lie?

Jamie had paled, regardless of the blue haze that hung in the room and the dim lighting. Alex saw this as a warning signal, and outstretched his hand once more. This time, his fingers danced lightly on Jamie’s and his voice spoke with reassurance. He told the older man that he did not mind that idea, and that if anything, it enticed him. He smiled as he spoke, and Jamie calmed down at the sight of Alex blushing and laughing quietly as he explained his thoughts and situation on the topic.

_“Really?”_

“Jameh, I wouldn’t lie to you about somethin’ so serious.”

Jamie smiled, his mind imagining scenarios that made his blood acrobatic.

Alex chuckled, “See you’re content.” Jamie laid his cigarette in the ashtray, bent over the table, and kissed a pair of chapped lips swiftly.

He was red faced and giddy, his hands shaky, a smile on his lips as he kissed him. All the while he felt his heart pounding in his chest, the _“thump-thump”_ sound beating through him.

“Fook,” he pulled away and could sense Alex practically buzzing. Alex was fully awake, with all his senses ablaze - all for him, all for Jamie. A pair of blue eyes blushed lightly, “I love you.”

*******

They kept slipping and sliding away from one another, much to Jamie’s misfortune.

Despite the fact that they know viewed each other to be genuinely in love, for they considered each other to be “boyfriends”, their relationship had reached a rather rocky state.

Since the night they had slept together when Alex had done LSD (before their tour) they had not had the time, nor enough excuses to explain why one of them was missing from their room for the night only to be found sound asleep on the other’s couch the next morning.

Jamie was sure that Matt did not suspect anything, yet he was secretly surprised that Alex had not let it slip to Matt about their relationship.

Then there was Nick – Nick, the only band mate aware of Jamie’s sexuality apart from Alex. Nick seemed to have his suspicions, though none loud enough to be spoken aloud or strong enough that caused him to confront Jamie about the topic.

Their lack of excuses was causing a certain amount of pressure to build on their relationship.

Alex, who was now more bold and confident than when he had been an adolescent, wanted them to go public about it.

Jamie, of course, who had toned himself down quite a bit from when he had been younger, was more reserved and cautious. He disagreed with the fact, not because he did not want to do public, no, if anything, he yearned for a time when he could be fully accepted and not have to hide what he was doing. No, Jamie disagreed because Alex and Alexa were still together, therefore, if they went public, Alex and himself would not be seen as a “couple”, but more as an “affair” going on while Alex and Alexa were still together.

*******

As July appeared, Jamie began hearing from Katie once more.

He had met up with the blonde occasionally during his spare time in New York (before departing for Los Angeles), usually for coffee or simply a stroll around the city.

Katie was all for this really, mainly because she told him she enjoyed talking to him when she could, and also due to the fact that she did not mind helping him maintain the media’s predisposition idea that he was straight. For that, Jamie was thankful he had Katie.

He had not seen her face since June 3rd (when they had met up in LA), though he was sometimes graced with a phone call or Skype video chat from the model. He would always talk to her in private, because she mostly found an interest in asking him about the boy he had told her he was seeing. She inquired whether or not it was the same person, to which Jamie told her he was.

Katie laughed and chirped along, though she never gave a back story upon what caused her curiosity about the lad Jamie was with.

He confronted Alex about the situation, and Alex presumed, being honest about what he thought, that it was because she wanted to know what drew Jamie in and to figure out what it was that she could not offer – personality wise.

*******

As summer grew stronger and stronger, the heat and the festivals all appearing in a rapid blow, the band traded in their more “comfortable and laid back” clothes from _“Humbug”_ , for leather jackets, double denim (jean jackets and jeans) and shorter hair that would be later known as the _“Suck It And See”_ style.

In late-July, through their jet-lagged infused transition from performing in Bern (on July 17th) to performing in Niigati, Japan and Icheon, South Korea (on July 29th and 30th) - Alex and Alexa had found some deep-rooted cracks in their relationship.

Though, the flight from South Korea to Dallas, Texas had been awful.

Not the festival they had appeared at, no, the festival had been fantastic.

The nightmare had been Jamie splitting three packs of cigarettes with Alex (which had been the most the guitarist had ever smoked in such a short period of time), to ward off the temptation that came with a swing of a spirit, liquor, or really any kind of alcoholic beverage.

They had been at the airport, about to board the flight at any moment, when they finished their third packet. Thankfully, they had found an outdoor area to smoke the first two packets, and had rapidly finished off what remained of the third outside the airplane. As Jamie crushed his last cigarette underneath his shoe, he felt the warm air ruffle his hair and hear Alex crumple up the packet.

Jamie had been rasping about the urge to drink throughout their smoke session, and Alex had stayed with him due to the fact that he wanted Jamie to drop the bad habit. Since it had begun, way back when they had only had lyrics for their current album and no actual songs, Jamie’s dependency had increased greatly. Alex had told him several times that it had begun to frighten him, especially since the band knew about Jamie “wobbles” with alcohol in the past.

The fact that Jamie had had substance abuse issues before did not help.

He had gone to rehab when he was still an adolescent for crack usage, and although he had not touched it since, he was not too keen on going back to a clinic.

Alex attempted to use that as a reason for Jamie to quit, though Jamie told him quite honestly that it was easier said than done, because “unlike crack, alcohol is everywhere and everyone has it.”

*******

August 1st, Arctic Monkeys performed in Dallas and Alex changed his hair drastically overnight.

The brown eyed man had said that he wanted to change things up, because he was the front man and he needed to make an impression. He had said this jokingly though, at the barber’s, though when the media had gotten hold of the quote, they had used it in their own ways.

Matt had gone to the barber’s with Alex, while Jamie and Nick stayed back at the hotel.

They were in Matt’s room, practicing the songs for their set list that night. Both of them began casually joking and discussing the meanings of Alex’s lyrics.

Most of them seemed to point to Alexa, and Jamie agreed with some of those facts – perhaps, the clearest song symbolizing the brunette model had been _“She’s Thunderstorms”._

They had released the b-sides to _“Don’t Sit Down ‘Cause I’ve Moved Your Chair”_ [quite some time ago], so that they more songs to chose from and discuss. Jamie and Nick both agreed on certain songs and that their own similar opinion – yet, there were certain songs that held more to them than what was on the surface.

 _“The Blonde-O-Sonic-Shimmer Trap”_ was an example of how Alexa could do anything ( _“she never had to strain her back, when she was putting her lippy on”_ ), be anything (breaking beautiful things – _“winged mirrors off a Cadillac”_ ).

 _“I.D.S.T”_ spelled out “if destroyed still true”. Jamie had been rather drunk when he had asked Alex about that song, and Alex had whispered into his ear:

“Means’ even if you break me heart, Jameh, I’d still be true.”

In the moment, Jamie had blushed dark red, though internally struggled to deceiver the meaning.

Alex had laughed about the situation, when Jamie was hung over and still confused, then explained what he meant in more detail. As of late, “I.D.S.T.” had been their code that one of them wanted the other (secretly, Jamie was thankful for that. He had never been one for words – always actions – and now he and Alex had thought of a term that held a relatively straight forwards meaning. Straight forward for them).

Personally, Jamie was so flattered and felt rather thankful that he still thrown in Alex’s songs. No, that was an understatement.. he felt rather appreciative and loved when Alex still implied him in his songs. He was never mentioned directly, though then again, neither was Alexa, nor had Johanna ever been directly implied.

Alex was not the type of fool to fully say his partner’s name in a song, for then Jamie knew that he would never be willing to perform in once they broke up. Not that Alex would ever directly say someone’s name like that in a song, it was not something he enjoyed.

He always enjoyed his metaphors, found pleasure in being somewhat mysterious or dreamy.. Really, Jamie had never been one to complain. Because honestly, after the adrenaline is dying out inside him and the alcohol is starting to make his head spin, Alex’s deep voice, thick with metaphors and cigarette smoke, is all he needs to help him upstairs. It helps him undress and allows him to shudder and kiss, claw, snarl and bite.

Since considering each other “boyfriends” they have been cute and tender and all that – but they have been going at it like animals as well.

Nick began plucking away at the heavier chords of his bass, and Jamie realized that he was once more deep in thought.

He had been playing some old riff absentmindedly now, relatively “out of it”.

Nick chuckled and broke the relatively silent air with a joke about how Jamie could not think straight.

He grinned slightly, and only after a moment’s thought did Jamie truly lighten up and fully laugh.

“Think straight, nice one, Mal.”

Nick shrugged, scratching at his freshly-shaved face, “Harmless. And Matt and Al were out, so once again, harmless.”

Jamie nodded a reply cocking his head sideways, as he sighed inwardly and frowned, tuning his guitar.

Nick continued speaking though, and the questions would have made Jamie painfully uncomfortable had any other members been present during the situation. “.. You seein’ anyone lately?”

Jamie snorted, “Fallin’ for me, are we, Nick? I must be quite the catch, yeah?”

Nick rolled his eyes; the brat inside Jamie that had arose in their _“Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not”_ era would occasionally make an appearance, though Nick found this shade of Jamie to be cocky and somewhat irritating. He was never fully mean on the subject though, for he knew that this Jamie never stayed long.

He cast a sideways glance at the guitarist, a twinkle of pride in his eyes, “Pack it in, Jameh. I’ve got Kelly and I’ve never loved anyone more.”

The brat was gone, “I know, mate. Only jokin’.”

Nick smiled, showing that he had not been mad, “I know, I know.. Just askin’ though, never known what it’s like to.. _play for that team_ , if y’know what I mean?”

Jamie nodded, “Well..”

For a moment, he seriously contemplated telling Nick about himself and Alex. Personally, he believed that Alex would not have minded that much had he broken up with Alexa. Though, since the lead singer was still with the model, this situation would definitely cause more friction.

Jamie himself was still slightly unsure of what his thoughts were about coming out to his friends about his sexuality (not just Matt, he had other friends back home who were unaware of who he identified as) and, even more so, about coming out about Alex (this mainly included Matt.. And his parents, most likely Alex’s parents as well, then). It was not that he was ashamed of who he was - he himself knew who he was, though he was not to keen on having everyone know so suddenly.

If Matt would not reject him, he was still scared that someone back home would, that his family would, that Alex’s family would. And then there was Alex.

Alex, the man that he had loved since he was sixteen, no, he never gave him shame. He cared for Alex so tenderly, and he believed Alex felt the same way for him. Though, the topic of coming out about himself and Alex frightened him. If coming out as gay was wrong, coming out gay with someone else would be worse.. Would it not?

Perhaps he was over thinking things once more?

_“Jameh!”_

Nick snapped his fingers in front of Jamie’s face, waving his hand in front of him afterwards.

“Ehh what?” he finally spoke, blinking a couple of times and tucking his guitar pick underneath some of his guitar strings to hold it in place.

He blushed rather rapidly when he realized that he had once again, drifted deep into thought.

A smile grew on Nick’s face, “Said: ‘are you seein’ anyone lately’? I’m just curious, mate.”

Jamie licked his lips, now deciding that he would pick one side of the fence and stick to it. No longer switching from telling Katie that he was seeing someone and trying to explain what they did and how they “met up” and whatever it was they did without making it too obvious, only then to switch and tell Nick there was no one. As he opened his mouth to speak, they heard the electronic key of the hotel room slide into its receiver on the other end of the door and unlock the door.

The hotel room swung open and Jamie closed his mouth, secretly thankful that he had not had to make that decision then and there as soon as Matt and Alex walked in. What could he muster if Matt had heard them? And what would Alex have said, or how would he have reacted?

Alex.. Alex was the second figure to step into the doorway, though he was mostly blocked from viewed by Matt’s broad figure.

“What you hidin’ Alexander for?” Jamie piped up, resting his guitar on the couch and standing up to get a better view of the scene.

He heard Alex giggle behind Matt and Matt announced rather proudly, the way a proud brother would welcome his younger brother into the room:

“I present to you, gentlemen, the quiff!”

Matt moved out of the way, revealing a pink-faced Alex, his face erupted into a smile, as he went back over to the door and closed it behind them. “Didn’t want to disturb the people in the hall..” he spoke softly, to no one in particular, merely announcing the situation, “the people across the hall just checked in, yeah. They have some small kids, and I think they were sleepin’ and-“

“Al!” Nick beamed. “Stop babblin’ and come closer, I wanna get a better look at your hair!”

Alex gushed and stepped closer to his friends.

As he entered the light, Jamie witnessed how different he now resembled. Gone were the longer, mop-like, curls that he had held only hours ago. Where there had been hair that had curled gently around Alex’s ears, there was now brushed away hair, gelled back with grease. His pink ears were now exposed, along with his un-kept eyebrows, and rich brown eyes. His nose was now fully visible, no longer shadowed by his bangs, and where there had once been bangs, there was now a floppy, curled “quiff” (as Matt had called it). Although it appeared that the look suited Alex, exposing his defined jaw line and his lovely eyes, Jamie was unsure of what he thought of the haircut. It was all quite sudden, this transformation. It made him think that the left-over “innocence” that existed on the outside of Alex had now fully vanished.

He had been physically replaced by this quaffed figure and it made Jamie uneasy.

Nostalgic even.

He was violently shaken, rather suddenly, with a sensation of various emotions that he had not felt in a while.

He must have made a face throughout the moment, because he felt Matt’s eyes glance at him from the side, felt Nick’s elbow nudge his gently, and saw Alex frown.

“C’mon, Cookeh.” he heard Alex say. “M’not an asshole, just ‘cause of me haircut. Like, I’m still Alex.”

He threw a small smile and a chuckle at the end of his sentence, attempting to lighten the mood.

Jamie was not buying it, or at least his insides were not.

“Need some air,” he pushed out, as he sped through the room and out the door.

“He was tellin’ me how he might be comin’ down with summat.” He heard Nick speak up, lying to cover up for his sudden outburst.

Jamie practically ran through the hall, and nearly fell down the stairs. He was only feeling a bit better when he was outside. He had no time to feel embarrassed, since he had begun to feel his heartbeat quicken and this outburst was nothing short of surprising. Was it just all this over-thinking lately causing him to be stressed past his limits?

The hotel had some small, park in the back, shaded from the summer’s vicious sun by a couple of trees. Jamie found a spot underneath one of the trees on a bench, and sat down there. He slipped his hand into the pocket of his jeans, and cursed under his breath upon sensing the absence of a cigarette packet.

He had recently begun to pick up [slightly] on this vice. It was not good, he knew that quite well, and he wanted to quit (for, as he was both a builder and a football player, having bad lungs was not ideal) though he was not frightened of quitting. He knew rather personally that he could drop cigarettes whenever he wanted, because it was all in his head.. And they had never really done anything to him – just like caffeine never had – so he saw no problem in dropping that.

He merely smoked them for the idea of smoking made him calm.

As he was about to turn around and contemplate what to do, he felt a hand grasp his shoulder from behind. Jamie nearly jumped, though when he felt the familiar voice in his ear, he calmed down slightly.

“Jameh,” the voice gasped, out of breath, “you good, love?”

His new curls of gelled hair wobbled across his forehead and danced gently against his sun-kissed skin. His body slumped next to Jamie’s on the bench, his chest panting due to his “smoker” lungs, and Jamie watched as he placed his elbows against his knees and he lay his head to rest in his hands. Jamie sighed, feeling a bit stronger inside, more calm now that he was out of the hotel and that he could think.

He decided that what he had experienced was a mixture of shock, nostalgia, and cravings for one of his vices – which it was, he was unsure. He concluded that it was most likely alcohol. He said this aloud, before wrapping an arm around the lad next to him. The other figure was having an easier time catching his breath now, Jamie noticed.

He managed to chock out, “Cookeh, I should be the one huggin’ you. You scared me a bit upstairs.”

“Al, its.. fine..”

Alex maneuvered his arm to intertwine his fingers with Jamie’s; he squeezed his hand, both of them shutting their eyes, as Alex lay his head into the crook of Jamie’s collarbones.

“Tell me if summats wrong, love. I’m only here to comfort you. You mean a lot to me.”

The words never failed to make Jamie smile. He told the younger man what he had been thinking, revealing the question about coming out, and telling Alex that Nick knew about his sexuality. Alex nodded through the whole thing, whispering _“ok”s_ and _“alright”s_ and _“keep talkin’, love”._ It was comforting and relieving to be able to tell these things to someone who was both empathetic and wise.

They decided that they needed to sort things out with Alexa.

Alex suggested they do so when they arrive to San Francisco, which would be August 12th and 13th.

That was the desirable date, because Alex and Alexa had planned to meet up then. Regardless of their deep cracks that had begun to show, they would both be attending the festival there (Outside Lands Music and Arts Festival).

*******

Upon the arrival of August 12th, they had performed several tracks from their new album. The crowds had been incredible; lots of cheering and cries for an encore.

Judging from how well their time had been, they all drank. Jamie had been dying for a drink these past days, therefore, the liquor rushing through him had given him the same sensation a dehydrated man would encounter upon tasting his first gulp of water.

He told himself that he still had things under control, and in all honestly, it never seemed although he did not. He was not one to dance around on stage, mess up his riffs or break things. He just needed the drink to get him excited, to calm him down, to shake off negativity, to get him through some rough patches.. Other than that, he viewed himself to be a rather well-functioning member of society.

They performed material off of all four of their albums, though they made sure to focus more intently on _“Suck It And See”._

When the night was done, the first day Outside Lands now over, they packed up their things and went to their hotel. Jamie was pleasantly drunk, pleasantly warm as well. Nick was tipsy, and wanted to see what other attractions were available around the festival. Matt had met up with Breana (his girlfriend of three months) and they planned to hang out with Nick (both as “relatively sober friends” and just in general).

They had arrived to the hotel together after their performance, though by the time Alex was in his room, fixing his quiff in the bathroom mirror, with Jamie on the couch watching TV, there were only two band mates left.

“I told ‘Lexa what room I’m in for the night!” Alex called out to the boy on the couch.

Jamie looked up slightly from where he was, feeling both content, yet also a bit dizzy, “She comin’ over tonight then?”

Alex fixed a particular swirl, as he shook his head, “Nah. I think she’s booked for the night.. Can’t remember whether she’s DJ-ing summat or whether she’s watching that band,Toy, but I know she’s busy..”

“Oh, alright.”

“Gave her the spare key though.”

Jamie frowned, “How come?”

“Well,” the dark haired lad spoke, emerging from the bathroom and turning the lights off behind him, “if we’re tellin’ her ‘bout us tonight, she needs to have a way to contact me. Like, I’m not goin’ to tell her over text or over a call, that’s just so cold.. And I don’t want her to think that. Y’know, we can sit her down or summat..”

His voice trailed off, and he raised his eyebrows slightly as his eyes darted to Jamie. His lips pulled into a disapproving smile upon seeing the bottle of Heineken between the other boy’s finger and he gave a small sigh.

“Jameh-“ he began

“What?” Jamie laughed. He was, still, pleasantly drunk and hoped to stay this way – he did not want to be hung over tomorrow for the second day of the festival. “What, this? It’s nothin’! I’m stayin’ pleasantly drunk, Al! Don’t worry.”

Alex cocked his head sideways, “Look, Cookeh, you have to get your shit together with this, ‘right? Like, it’s not good, love. I don’t want you..”

“To what?”

Jamie's voice had rose slightly, not in an angry sense, no, not out of meanness – for a challenge.

The guitarist stood up, resting the bottle of Heineken on the hardwood floor, smirking slightly and taking a step closer towards Alex. His bright blue eyes, murky due to his state of mind, ran Alex up and down, scanning every inch of the younger man.

“..Lose you..” Alex finished, his voice softer, in a sort of daze. He licked his lips, sobering up slightly, and coming out of his daze, “Jameh..”

Jamie shook his head as he spoke, to emphasize the fact, “Well, you’re no saint, Alex. From acid, weed, liquor, cigarettes, coke” – Alex glanced down at the ground, his cheeks flaring slightly. As of late, he had dropped acid. Alex found that he preferred marijuana to calm down [in private], cigarettes on a daily [on simply to calm down, this time in both private and public], and cocaine only when he needed a rush. Alcohol remained on his list, of course, though it was there for when he went out with his friends or was at an event of some sort – “.. an’ blowjobs, anal, hand jobs, being tied up to the bedpost-“

 _“Jameh,”_ Alex was bright red now, despite that all of these acts had included the older man, it was embarrassing to have to say them aloud. He did not mind hearing about them in the comfort that the bedroom, but other than that it made him blush. He cleared his throat and continued, “you don’t have to mention _that_ -“

“But you wanted me to stop drinkin’, yeah?” He purred this out with a huskiness Alex had only imagined – he himself had always been the one dropping hints, Jamie the one to pick them up.

“Uh – yeah.”

He nodded rather lamely.

He felt his skin burn with heat as Jamie reached out and trailed his index finger along his neck, dropping down to the slope of his collarbones, then back up and landing onto of where he could sense Alex’s pulse. His heartbeat increased and his Adam’s Apple bobbed, and Jamie noticed this all.

“Want me to stop drinkin’, ‘right..” The lighter haired man placed his free hand against Alex’s lower back, leaning in as he did so, and whispering breathily into Alex’s ear. “What if I want to _drink up_ everythin’ _you_ have to offer, hm?”

Alex blinked several times, playing the words over and over several times in his head. His senses were back on now, due to the fact that they had been hibernating recently.

He felt himself shudder as pins and needles raced through his body, and a whimper escaped his lips.

Jamie pulled away briefly, as Alex mentally cursed himself for whimpering. Not that it had never occurred in front of Jamie, no, it had (mostly when he was getting blown), but because it had been sudden. He was never the first to start panting, he had always been the first one to grope, to kiss, to talk dirty.

Jamie leaned in again, this time, his voice a bit different, like more of a moan, “C’mon, Al. Can’t you see I _want_ you _hard?”_

Alex did not wait to look up and say something. His mind was on autopilot and now he was horny as fuck.

He stood up to Jamie’s challenge, kissing him deeply within the first moment of their lips touching, and slipping his hands around Jamie’s waist. Jamie bit down on his lower lip, applying pressure to his skin and Alex pulled away for a breath to gasp. He inhaled sharply through his nose, missing Jamie’s mouth and Jamie’s tongue too much to fully apart.

Jamie slipped the hand on the Alex’s back into the pocket of his jeans, squeezing his ass and grinding his hips against the front man’s.

“You know what I _want_ ,” he whispered, pulling away slightly, his eye lids heavy, “give it to me, _babeh_.”

This made Alex grin, “Fookin’ horny bastard.”

Jamie smirked, edging away from the couch and steering Alex towards the bedroom. He sat down on the bed, lazily rolling his hips, allowing Alex to feast upon his erection, “Nah, love. That’s you, you an’ your weird kinks.”

Alex licked his lips, feeling them grow slightly chapped and sore from where Jamie had bit them, though he ignored the thought as he sat down on Jamie’s lap.

He rose above the guitarist slightly, looking down at him with his quaffed hair obscuring his vision slightly. Alex removed their shirts, tossing them aside and resting his hands on Jamie firm shoulders. He gave is own hips a roll, allowing the bulge in his jeans to slowly brush against Jamie’s chest.

Jamie undid Alex’s jeans, and Alex moaned when his erection felt more at ease. Alex wriggled out of his jeans, allowing them to drop to the foot of the bed, and took off his boxers.

“Bare-back this time, yeah?” Jamie questioned.

Alex nodded a reply, undoing Jamie’s belt and watching as the man below him bit his lip to stop the sound of pleasure escaping him.

“Wanna hear your _mad sounds_ ,” Alex purred, bringing his own dirty words to the table. He began grinding his hips against Jamie, squeezing the other boy’s shoulders when he felt their shafts rub against one another. He felt like he was experiencing a full-bodied fever, and when Jamie groaned for the lube, Alex did not oblige.

When the warm lubricant coated Jamie’s finger, he looked to Alex, eyes still murky, for the sign of approval. Alex gave him a verbal “yes”, before Jamie stuck his finger up Alex’s hole.

The front man cried out with pleasure, moaning into Jamie’s ear that this was their first time face to face.

Jamie nodded and did not have to ask what Alex wanted, for Alex cried out what he lusted for.

“Mhm! _Higher_ , fook, left! _Twist_ \- oh shit, _ah!”_

He was starting to sweat, the sticky coating building up in his hairline and his fingers pressing against Jamie’s shoulders and collarbones.

Alex rolled his hips, and Jamie growled how simply tight it all felt, which sent Alex wanting more.

“Wanting more” meant more lubricant.

Jamie pulled his finger out, hearing Alex’s breathing grow slightly heavier, and added lubricant to his hard cock. The nerves on his shaft and head tingled as he rubbed the warm liquid all over, and his lips parted slightly in concentration as he felt Alex shift his weight.

Alex raised himself up slightly, feeling himself hovering over Jamie’s cock, and when he sat back down, he felt Jamie enter him and he moaned deeply and loudly, shameless.

“Oh god! _Jameh,_ oh _fookin’_ Christ!”

"Did I hurt you?"

"No - _don't stop!"_

Jamie hands slipped around Alex’s waist, as Alex hunched his back slightly began moving up and down, bouncing slightly under the vibration of Jamie’s right thigh shaking.

He buried his head into Jamie’s collarbones and neck, sucking and biting at the soft skin until his delightful hickeys appeared. He growled against Jamie’s skin with each thrust, profanities of all sorts passing his lips, desperate and dirty pleas and cries of _“don’t stop”._

 _“Jameh!”_ He had begun to pre-cum between them, his cock pressed against his own stomach and Jamie’s. His sweating had increased by now, and Alex was sure that Jamie was bright red.

His nails clawed at Jamie’s back, as his hair bounced left and right to the thrusts of the boy below him. His cries grew an octave when Jamie went deeper and at a different angle.

“Fook,” the guitarist growled, throwing his head back and panting, “shit, Al.”

 _“W-What?”_ Alex gasped, oblivious to the fact that Jamie seemed to be sobering up slightly at the moment, no longer thrusting with such effort.

Alex kept moving himself up and down, his moans deep as his cock rubbed against Jamie’s chest, spilling sticky liquid everywhere.

“Al – _ah!_ I- I think I head summat.”

“Nah, nah, you didn’t,” Alex rasped, “at least not now.”

Jamie shrugged and gave one last thrust, blinking several times before crying out that he was cumming.

His body shook and his thighs tightened, his lips parted and he fought for breath. Alex shut his eyes, feeling himself fill up with Jamie, while he came on the guitarist’s stomach.

Everything was blissful and hot until he heard the door unlock.

The sound of a bag dropping followed and the outcry of pure shock.

“I- oh my- God – I- “

The voice was feminine, a female voice, and after uttering those words she seemed at a loss of words.

Alex recognized its owner in a flash, and immediately freezing in his position and feeling completely over-exposed and revealed.

Jamie, drunk, tilted his head to the side, looking past Alex’s shoulder:

“Hey, ‘Lex.”

She was utterly speechless for a few seconds, and Alex could imagine the look at her face as she both heard them and walked in on them. He wanted to say something, look at her; though he knew that he could most definitely never do that know.

Thankfully Jamie was not drunk enough to say something else, and bless any lord out there that he had not been a dumb ass and said not-so-loudly “Al, Alexa’s here.”

There was the sound of a bag being snatched off the floor, a sharp intake of breath, and a rushed handful of words:

“I’m guessing _this_ is what you wanted to talk about.”

Before Alex could even imagine what to utter, he heard her flat shoes squeak against the floor and heard the door slam after her.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Old flames reunite, while some flames burn out. This all leads to the list of regrets growing longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry for this.  
> Please don't hate me.  
> It just got worse and worse as the paragraphs grew shorter and the night grew longer. It liked this, let me know. If you disliked this, let me know. In all honesty, I adore it when people comment (constructive criticism), and because I'm like 60% happy with this chapter, another person's opinion would be greatly appreciated.
> 
> This chapter includes NON-CONSENSUAL STUFF.

Outlands Lands festival became a blur to him.

When Alex’s emotions finally kicked in, he removed himself from Jamie and rolled across the bed until he reached the nearest corner. There he found their clothes pile (on the floor), and slipped his hand into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out his pack of Marlboro cigarettes, pulling out a cigarette and lighting the tip with the lighter he kept inside the pack. While he was at it, he slipped on his navy boxers.

Jamie lay down on the bed next to him, both too exhausted and drunk to fully comprehend what was going on.

After a few moments of Alex viciously fuming away, it clicked – though the silence remained. Soon, Alex got up in search of an ashtray.Eventually, he gave up and used a mug instead, flicking black ashes inside and tossing in his several cigarette buds in there afterwards.

The front man felt too tired to have the remainder of his night result in drinking.

Eventually, Jamie began talking, while Alex stayed quiet and smoked a pack by himself. Jamie grasped the opportunity, and asked what Alex thought on the situation that had recently occurred.

“Fookin’ _splendid,_ innit? Just what was supposed to happen, _wow_!”

“Yeah?”

Alex snorted sarcastically, feeling his irritation and anger boil up, “Yeah, _course_ it is, Jameh. She took it so _well,_ didn’t she?”

Jamie rubbed at his eyes, “Thought we were talkin’ about us shaggin’..”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, Al...”

Alex exhaled some smoke through his nose, his anger simmering down as he understood Jamie’s confusion. He blushed lightly at his sarcastic reactions, feeling embarrassed, as he felt his free hand brush lightly against the blonde’s, “Oh.. I’m sorry. Thought you were talkin’ about ‘Lex.”

Jamie shook his head. His heavy eyes turning to look at the brown irises, as he saw Alex exhaling, lick his lips, and continue speaking. This time, a bit softer:

“That was the best shag, really..-“Alex paused, thinking of words to appropriately describe the situation, as Jamie smiled – “It was incredible.”

Jamie was pink and chuckling, “Eh think it was ‘cause of you.”

Alex laughed, “Nah, it was you, you horny wanker.”

“Aye,” Jamie sighed, nodding, as he smirked and agreed with the comment.

He reached out for a cigarette of his own, as Alex was almost done the pack. As Jamie lit his cigarette, Alex inhaled some smoke, then spoke, thick gray clouds following his words.

He spoke his words with an eloquence only a lyricist could hold: “I orgasmed so hard, I don’t think I’ll be able to walk for a good week.”

Jamie rolled to his side and kissed his cheek.

“Lovely.” He murmured against the soft, sun-kissed skin.

Alex flicked the ashes of his cigarette into the mug nearby, his eyes darting across Jamie’s body, as his lips curled into a delicate smirk and his finger danced across Jamie’s shoulder, “Put some clothes on, you nudist.”

“Nothin’ you haven’t seen before.”

“True.”

The owner of the blue eyes puffed on his cigarette, exhaling _“o”_ shapes into the dark room, “I’m covered in all sorts of stuff. _Look.”_

His free hand reached out to touch the tender blotches across his neck and collarbones, motioning with his fingers where he wanted Alex to look, and then he rolled onto his back and motioned to the various claw marks on his back. Alex saw the markings, as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. He ran a hand through his messy quiff, his eyes soft and tired, feeling exhausted and, for lack of a better word, _“spent”_. His fingers traced gently across Jamie’s scars, with enough pressure so Jamie knew he was there, though soft enough to not cause him any harm.

“Blood in the bruise.. Smoke in your hair..”

Jamie sighed inwardly, the sensation of Alex’s thin fingers against his back was soothing, and he felt his eyelids grow heavy. After what had occurred, and after drinking, he felt he ought to sleep.

“Metaphors,” the blonde yawned, “that it?”

Alex tilted his head upwards, exhaling into the empty air, “No, it’s _“Joining the Dots”_.. I’m describing the settin’, James. Your hickeys are the bruises, and there’s smoke everywhere..”

His voice trailed off, and Jamie handed him what remained of his cigarette. He mumbled something about not wanting it anymore, so Alex crushed what remained of the bud and tossed it into the coffee mug. He himself finished his cigarette and tossed the remains into the mug, placing the mug onto the nightstand, and allowing himself to submerge into a dreamless sleep.

*******

In the coming hours, Jamie slept in the other lad’s bed, his head propped up with pillows to stop him from chocking on vomit if he, God forbid, vomited in his sleep.

Alex was next to him, and stayed with him through the night. He stayed because he loved him, but also because he did not want Jamie to vomit in his sleep.

Though, when the morning sun rose and shed its golden rays into the hotel room, Jamie was gone and Alex was alone.

Sore all over, feeling (in all honesty) sexually satisfied, but not concerned for the guitarist’s whereabouts.

Jamie was off in Nick’s hotel room, drinking strong coffee and having omelets, nursing a hangover.

Alex joined them, and soon afterwards came Matt and Breana.

*******

Their second European tour began on August 19th, with their performance Biddinghuizen, The Netherlands.

From there, they roamed England, France, Germany and Italy.

Midway through this process, roughly around their time in England, Alexa had a representative of hers speak on her break up with Alex.

The model had said that the break up had been “purely amicable, in order to preserve the friendship”, and Alex, secretly surprised at how casual the whole thing seemed, had told his representative to say the same.

Naturally, the only people that knew the truth were Alex, Alexa and Jamie himself, though neither of them wished to speak about it.

Matt, Breana, and Nick had been the first ones to hear about the split. Even before the media.

This had only occurred due to raw chance. Matt and Breana had taken the staircase up to their floor, escorting a relatively drunk Nick to his room, when they had happened to run into Alexa. Nick had not been fully present enough to recall the situation, though the next morning Matt had told the story rather well with Breana chirping in from time to time to add in extra details.

Jamie had acted oblivious to the whole situation, because as far as everyone else in the room was concerned, he had spent the evening revising his riffs.

From what Jamie had gathered that faithful morning in Nick’s hotel room, they had ran into a crying Alexa in the halls around eleven thirty.

Nick had been the first to speak, though he had not spoken with meanness. Although he was intoxicated, the bassist had been the bold one of the bunch and pushed past Matt and Breana (who were relatively confused as to what was going on, for nobody had really expected a break up), and outreached his arms to the brunette, slurring an _“Alexa, I’m sso sorry”_ , and wrapping her up in an warm, yet respectable hug.

She had buried her face into his shoulders, clinging her thin arms onto his larger build, and insisting that she did not need a hug, regardless of the fact that she was crying.

Matt and Breana had then apparently _“came out of their coma”_ (as Nick put it) and reacted in similar ways.

Jamie had concluded that there had been no real acting involved, because the break up had been sudden and because Alexa was someone who rarely ever cried.

Still, on that rainy day at V Festival, England, the news had become official; one of the best power couples out there, Alex Turner and Alexa Chung, were finished.

*******

September 7th, they were in Los Angeles.

Alex had rid himself of his shared New York flat with Alexa (leaving it in her possession) and had now purchased himself a small house in LA. Jamie had then dropped his cousins flat, returning it to the younger lad, while Matt and Breana bought a house of their own in the sunny state. Nick rented out a portion of a house (near Matt and Breana’s house) with Kelly, due to the fact that he did not want to buy anything serious just yet.

Jamie drowned his jet lagged state of mind that afternoon, as he met with Katie for their occasional four lattes. Katie had recently begun to maintain her coffee consumption, while Jamie’s had only increased. Yet, it was for the same reason as to why his cigarette consumption had risen; to prove as a distraction towards alcohol.

As the hours blended, he and Katie talked about several things.

They had the ability to jump from topic to topic without there being any signs of struggle, and they could still discuss the same films, same music, if they pleased. If anything, Jamie was thankful that 2011 Katie was the same as 2007 Katie. Physically, she might had become a bit more toned, in all honesty (not that Jamie had viewed her as unattractive either way, mind you), yet her personality had maintained its youth. There were still her giggles, the way she would roll her eyes, and of course, her sex jokes remained.

They took the bus out to Joshua Tree, with Kelly, Nick, and Matt, off to explore the desert.

Alex remained at home, claiming to be busy reading and cleaning up, though Jamie assumed, deep down, at the back of his mind, that those were just excuses and not real reasons. For Alex had spoken to Jamie on the topic several times, whether he was on acid or whether he was sober – people went out to the desert to destroy themselves, and yet the younger man still held a thirst for the desert and all it had to offer.

Jamie would not speak about it, for neither Breana nor Katie knew about it, but the guitarist presumed that Alex was most likely digging through his contacts and call logs on his phone in search of finding Carl, the American bloke that had dealt him acid back in 2009.

Breana could not make it, because she had a modeling shoot to do, yet Matt still brought his camera and got some great photographs of them all in the desert.

Katie was particularly fond of a certain photo – one of her on Jamie shoulders, her hair tied up in a ponytail and her sunglasses shielding her eyes from the strong sun. Matt told her she could keep the Polaroid, and she smiled and thanked him, tucking it away in her bag.

On the way back, the bus stopped at a gas station, and Jamie took this opportunity to sneak a smoke in the bathroom. He had been a craving a more.. _“physical”_ distraction from alcohol today, and had begun to question his own motives.

The few nights ago, he had drank a bit and called Alex.

He was still unable to recall most of the conversation, though one question stuck out to him, and ran across his mind whenever he had to sneak an extra smoke or drown another coffee:

“Are you an alcoholic, Jameh?”

The truth was, he feared he might be.

After doing some research, he had gathered enough information to understand that his level of dependency was borderline alcoholic, and that he was advised to seek help.

Still, he snorted at the idea of help, as he exhaled smoke into the filthy vents of the publish washroom.

The brat in him tended to surface whenever someone mentioned a clinic, mainly because he did not like what he associated with clinics. Although there came help with clinics, Jamie tended to associate them with the dark period of his life that had came with doing crack. The experience in a whole had been scary, and he did not want to go back.

Though, there were several reasons both he, and those around him [Alex], believed he should.

*******

On September 23rd, they were in Las Vegas.

“I wanna feel your looove.. “

Alex croaked into the microphone, his curly quiff shacking as he strolled across the stage, the lights flashing from blue to red, to green, to purple, to him tossing a flirtatious wink at Jamie.

As Nick finished his part, Alex was already back at the microphone, “Brick by brick!”

*******

September 25th, they were back in Los Angeles.

Jamie had refrained from drinking that evening, having refused his regular shot of tequila backstage, and having only had two beers three hours ago. As they opened up their set list, he had already begun to feel the effects of alcohol withdrawal sweep over him; headaches, anxiety, sweating.

He was sweating through his clothes, his hairline gross and wet, and he felt like he was on stage for the first time all over again, terrified of messing up and sensing that he would. Alex, on the other hand, had had his fair share of substances that were bound to fuck him up.

Before they had arrived to the gig, he had finally re-discovered Carl’s number.

He had called the man up, and asked him for some coke. Carl had not obliged, because apparently he needed the cash, and Alex wanted the rush.

Alex had snorted the white powder backstage, rubbing his nose after having left the counter top of the plastic table.

“Fook me.” he said, as he fixed the collar of his shirt, “Haven’t felt her buzz in a while.”

He had oddly enough, picked up on referring to his highs with a feminine pronoun (“her” for example, when he referred to what coke did to him).

Now, from what the band could see, Alex’s pupils were large and he was playing his riffs effortlessly.

He pointed and sang to the crowd, outstretching his arms to some group of girls in the front row. They went wild for him, shouting and pressing as far as they could against the barrier.

“I fucking _love you!”_ Jamie caught one of them shout.

Due to his increased anxiety, his eyes caught sight of the girl rather quickly from where he stood.

She had cinnamon hair and vibrant red nails, bright green eyes and a toned physique. She also had a backstage pass dangling past her neck; therefore Jamie presumed that he would be seeing more of her at the after party. Splendid.

*******

As the after party stormed in with full force, drinks were being passed around and Jamie found himself sitting in a bathroom stall, afraid to go outside where he was tempted by alcoholic beverages. Surely, he knew, he was causing a scene, but he could not give a fuck.

As he ran a hand through his hand, fixing the collar of his shirt, his phone vibrated. The small cellular device shook where it stood on the roll of toilet paper, and when Jamie checked his caller ID, he scowled in confusion.

Swiping the screen, _“Katie?”_

She practically shouted in the phone, seemingly intoxicated, “Jameh! _Baby_ , where are you?”

He scowled at the pet name.

“Uhh..” he knew quite well where he was, and decided that it was fine if Katie knew. They had become rather good friends recently, so it was fine. “Bathroom at the after party for Hollywood Bowl.”

She gasped into the receiver, giggling, _“No shite!”_

“Uh - Yeah.”

“I’ll be there in a feew!” Jamie rubbed his eyes, feeling his anxiety spike, “Wait, you’re here?”

She was laughing into the receiver, most likely still listening to him, but also talking to another person nearby.

There was shouting and music, and Jamie understood what was going on. “Katie?”

“M’on the dancefloor, Jameh! But I’m comin’!”

“Oh,” he said rather pathetically, unsure of how to feel.

Oddly enough, nausea had not hit him yet, though he was sweating viciously and nervous as hell. Katie stayed on the line with him through out her search.

“You in the men’s room?”

“Yeah-“

“Wait, I dunno why I’m even _askin’!_ You wouldn’t feel comfortable or nothin’ like that in the woman’s room, yeah?”

She burst out laughing at her own joke, and Jamie chuckled softly, understand the pun but not really in the mood for a laugh.

He heard the bathroom door open in the distance, and Katie’s call end. While he heard a pair of heels click against the pristine white tiles, his phone buzzed once more. This time it was a call from Alex.

“Jameh!” Katie called out, laughter thick in her voice.

He panicked and put an end to Alex’s call. Before he could even find his voice, the black, lace up heels appeared in front of his stall.

“This must be you, yeah? I mean, the rest of this bathroom is desserrrted as fook.”

“Yeah.”

He lay his phone back down on the roll of toilet paper, as he stood up, his head starting to ache and spin, and unlocked the door.

Katie smiled up at him, her long hair a bit of a mess, and her eyes sparkling although they were filled with stars. Jamie smiled in his own sense, somewhat tired and curious as to why she was here. They began talking, Katie asking why he was here, and Jamie confessed quite honestly about him trying to avoid alcohol.

The music was growing in volume, or perhaps it had always been loud and Jamie had never really listened. Regardless, Katie said something, and all Jamie heard were the current hits being played outside the bathroom stall and the movement of Katie’s lips as she spoke.

He wanted to ask her why she was here, and if it had been my chance, her and her modeling girls wanting to come for a fun time, or whether she had came to see them perform a few hours ago – yet he did not. Jamie assumed he could ask this later, instead he asked for her to repeat what she had said. Katie motioned for him to bend over so she could say it in his ear, and Jamie did not oblige, viewing the motion as purely appropriate.

When he was at Katie’s level, he did not realize what a muddle he was in when he heard her purr some profanities and dirty words and practically felt her flirty smirk against his ear. Her lips burnt like fire when she pulled away from his ear and kissed him, her long nails pressing against his chest and bringing him down on the closed toilet seat.

His body fell against the white seat, and Katie slipped on top of him.

Jamie wanted to pull away. He told himself that he loved Alex, that he was a gay man, and that this was wrong. He said he could not blame himself when her lips were pressed against his own, because he was the victim of this surprise kiss. Though that all changed when he tasted the alcohol she gave off, dancing and sizzling against his skin and his lips, and found himself grow frantic. It all felt so warm and hot, as his cravings crashed against him, like enormous waves, and he sudden held a thirst to kiss Katie back. He did so, as their tongues danced wildly and his hands found her waist.

He realized he was horny when she moaned as she took a breath for air, feeling his arousal against her hips. Jamie was excited, but not because of the girl, but because of the substance. Still, he was not to keen on doing this. Katie whispered something, then everything began to blur.

In the midst of it all, she pulled a flask out from her bra and he drank the scorching liquid although it was his last taste.

He felt the familiar buzz coarse through him, and in a matter of seconds, the condom was revealed and they were at it still partially clothed.

His phone buzzed, and due to his peripheral vision, he caught sight of the sender. His phone read:

_“Alex: ‘Where are you?’”_

Katie moaned against his chest, her nails grabbing at the still done-up buttons of his collared shirt.

Jamie was sweating as he thrust and scraped his back against the edge of the toilet seat.

They were becoming painfully messy, and when it struck him what he was doing, he pulled away as much as he could, feeling sick and guilty.

“W-What are you doin’?” She was panting as her long hair shook when she rolled her hips.

“Katie, stop-“

His phone buzzed, several texts coming at once:

_“Alex: ‘My high’s peaking.’”_

“No,” she whispered out, “no, not now! I’m cummin’, _God,_ I’m cummin’!”

_“Alex: ‘I want to see you.’”_

He had made her cum twice now, in that short period of time, and as he fought to get his words across, she kissed him desperately.

_“Alex: ‘I want to fuck you.’”_

The alcohol on her tongue and from her flask had made its way to his head. He was positive that he himself reeked of the strong liquid by now, but the attraction it had previously given him had died down. She came all over his cock, she shouts bouncing off the walls of the bathroom.

Jamie was shacking, his cock still hard, but he felt ill.

“Katie-“

_“Alex: ‘Why no answer?’”_

She drew her hair up, and Jamie found the warmth building up inside him. Despite his anxiety, and his urge for Katie to get off, he was thinking of Alex _(“I want to fuck you”)_. Still, he shook his head at the thought, his voice hitching slightly in his throat as the blonde above him positioned herself at a different angle.

His phone buzzed, an incoming call coming from Alex.

Katie, drunk, grabbed the phone before Jamie could get it himself and answered.

 _“Jameh!”_ Alex called out, his voice a mixture of concern and sensuality. “Where are you?”

“Katie, _give me_ that!”

 _“No!”_ She giggled, moving the phone out of his reach as she began to sweat once more.

 _“Katie?”_ Alex called out, confused. “Jameh, where are you?”

“I _want you_ ,” Katie began, saying it no one in particular, though heavily implying it was about Jamie, “I’ve always wanted you, even after you left – Oh _fook_! Ah!”

Her breathing was heavy as her shouts could be heard on Alex’s side of the line. The call was ended, and before Katie could say anything else, Jamie found the strength and the nerve to get her off him.

He was fuming, now no longer hard, but just as messy as before.

Katie stumbled over, due to her momentum, and fell on the floor. She landed on her butt, her expression confused and the passion lost in her voice.

“Jameh-“ she began, now seemingly more sober.

Jamie was shouting, his voice rising, as he stared, “What the _fook!_ What were you _doin’?”_

She rubbed her temples, then rubbed her eyes with the palms of her hands, messing up her makeup, “I-I thought you wanted-“

“-I fookin’ _didn’t!_ Couldn’t you tell!”

Katie realized what she had done and began to cry, “Oh no, Jameh! I- _oh my God_ \- I thought you were playin’ hard to get or- I-I- _didn’t mean to!”_

Both of them felt just as bad, and Jamie felt although he was going to vomit now.

“I-Jameh-I still love you! I thought you loved me to! And you haven’t talked about that boy- I-I figured it was through-Jameh, I’m sorry!” She was sobbing now, tears flowing freely and her voice cracking. It seemed although the heat and lust from the room had died off, now the room was cold, although it was winter inside the chamber.

Jamie opened his mouth to speak, wanting to say something – but before he could, the bathroom door swung open.

Alex was at the doorway one minute, then the next he was staring at a sobbing Katie.

He strode over towards the girl, snapping rather harshly that she should _“run along”_ because her _“makeup’s a mess”_ , to which Katie took the hint and left.

For a few seconds after her departure, Alex was motionless. He stood in the same stance he had stood when he had told Katie to leave, and when the guitarist got a better look at him, he realized that Alex’s pupils were enormous and he had most likely done more coke.

This was confirmed when he suddenly came out of his trance began to shout.

“I fookin’ _know_ what happened!”

Cocaine made people angry and reckless, and due to his high, Alex was currently very much both. Jamie was silent, as Alex continued:

“Heard her _breathin’_ and _moanin’_ on the phone! You think this is some _fookin’ joke_ , Jameh? You think this is _funny?_ ”

“She was drunk-“

“-So you just _screwed_ her? What the _hell_ , what the fookin’ hell!”

 _“No_! No, she _forced herself_ on me, I didn’t want it!”

“But you _still took it!_ Your cock must’ve been hard to take her!”

Alex was red-faced and flailing his arms everywhere.

He was obviously furious, and before Jamie could finish explaining, the front man, due to his state of mind, molded his hand into a fist and hurled it against the mirror that hung opposite the stalls. Jamie viewed this all from the toilet seat, his pants done up, yet his clothing a mess from his interactions with Katie. He had came and was no longer hard.

Yet, due to his seat, he got a full view of Alex’s fist smashing the glass and tumbling against the floor.

Alex flicked his wrist madly, his knuckled bruised and on the verge of bleeding. “Get the fook out, Jameh!” He shouted, as he seethed and cursed from the pain in his hand, _“Get the fook out!”_

Jamie scrambled to his feet, slightly shaky, as he reached out to touch the front man’s injury, _“Alex-“_

“No! _Stop it!_ Go _away!_ ”

The dark haired lad seemed to snarl at his touch, inching away and holding his throbbing hand.

It appeared although he was on the verge of tears and Jamie felt awful.

“Alex, _please-“_

“No, _leave me alone!_ Get out! Do _summat else_ , but leave me _alone!”_

He seemed energy drained, and when the blue eyes saw the water streaking down his cheeks, he understood that he would only make it worse if he stayed.

Pocketing his phone rapidly, he left the bathroom, in search of Matt, Nick, Breana and a ride home.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Suck It And See" to "AM"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm proud of myself for wrapping up a story for the first time!
> 
> Listen though, I doubt I'll be able to post much until August (I'm going away tomorrow and I'll be back then). Still, I really want to know what everyone thought about this chapter (and the story in general). I'm unsure of what I think of the ending I gave this story/chapter; I feel although I could have been more detailed and have the story end a bit slower...? I'm not sure if this gave the right amount of closure, but then again, I tried to give off an "open ending". 
> 
> Hopefully this satisfies! I'll try to keep you guys updated with Jamex one-shots from time to time ;)

The after party for Hollywood Bowl itself had a been a disaster – he had been drunk, and only by some miracle had he managed to find Breana and Matt.

He had bumped into them in the middle of the dance floor by pure chance, and the couple had helped him find Nick.

Upon finding Nick, Breana and Matt, Matt called Alex and asked where he was, only to get a one-worded reply before being hung up on: “Outside.”

Breana seemed a bit uneasy to have witnessed Alex pacing madly at the end of the block, his cocaine high slowly coming down, and now he claimed (rather loudly, too) that he felt although he had the “fookin’ flu!”

His nose was constantly running throughout the cab ride back to their hotel, and Jamie caught a glimpse of the quiffed man – Alex resembled although he was in a lot of pain and that he had a headache. His fingers twitched at the idea of reaching out and brushing away the messy locks of gelled hair, and just hours ago he could have.

Yet he had fucked up, recently, and the evidence was all over his pants and on Alex’s bruised and bloody fist.

The backseat of the cab was crammed with Jamie against the left window, Matt next to him, Nick in the middle, and Alex crammed between Nick and the right window. Breana sat in the front, next to the driver.

“Hey Alex,” Matt began gently, tipsy and tired, though still concerned for Alex and his coke comedown, and also due to the fact that his hand was injured, his knuckled crusty with blood, “What happened?”

Alex licked his lips and rubbed his temples, “Accident in the bathroom..”

Nick scowled, “An accident? What happened?”

Alex cradled his head in his hands, his head throbbing and his nose running like a faucet, “Don’t matter.. ‘Cept its one of those things that fookin’ hurts..”

“..You get into a fight?”

“With a mirror, Matt.”

Nick’s eyes darted from each band member in the back, then back to Alex, “A mirror?.. Was it out of anger?”

Alex nodded.

The cab took a sharp turn left, and Jamie gripped onto the handlebar, his hands sweating as his body craved for more alcohol; if anything, at least another beer.

“Alright..” Nick was relatively sober, caring and calm.

“Was it over someone?”

Jamie’s heart skipped several beats, his blue eyes darting up fearfully; now ready to hear what Alex had to say. A part of him wanted Alex to get things over with, so that Jamie had the ability to say that he was not afraid of coming out – which was a fucking lie.

He wanted to hear Alex say, “yeah it was because I caught my boyfriend fookin’ someone else” and then they could at least admit to what was going in. It would be easier if they were honest with their friends. So far, he, Jamie, had fucked things up and fucked things over with all the people he had came out to.

Nick was oddly enough, the only sane one left (out of the group that knew of his sexuality – Katie and Alex).

He felt Matt’s eyes on him, and Matt leaned in, his voice low and knowing, “That what I think it is on your pants?”

Jamie was drunk and whispered, “Cum.”

“Some girls?”

That was all she was now, Katie – “some girl”.

“Eh yeah..” Matt noticed that Jamie was elsewhere, and the guitarist could swear that the drummer said something about a growing alcohol problem though Jamie did not care.

Both heads turned fully to hear Alex’s response, while Breana felt like it was not her place to listen in, so she went on her phone.

“Yeah over someone, over summat..” “Who?” “Mal, it -Just- Please- It just doesn’t matter… ”

*******

A good week after their performance at Hollywood Bowl, Jamie continued ignoring Katie’s calls until she called Matt and demanded to talk to him.

She had sounded frustrated, confused and guilty all at the same time, at least according to Matt. At the moment of her phone call, it had been October 2nd, and they were in Winnipeg, Canada. It had occurred on the tour bus, with Matt, Nick, Alex and Jamie himself in the bedroom, each on their own bunk bed.

Matt had been listening to music on his phone when the song was cut off with a call from an LA unknown number, Nick had been Skyping Kelly from his laptop, Alex had occupied the top bunk of the right bunk bed, doodling in his notebook, while Jamie had been resting on the bottom bunk of Matt’s bed.

“Hello?” Came Matt’s casual voice, flooding the silent room on the tour bus. His voice was heavy with friendliness but also coated gently in slight confusion, “Who’s this?.. Oh... I see... Yeah… He’s right here… Ok, one second.”

Before Jamie even had time to react, a hand slipped down from above the railing with a cell phone in its grasp.

Matt told him firmly to take the phone, and before Jamie could even contemplate as to who the caller could be, he dumbly took the phone and answered the person on the other end.

“Ehh, hello?”

“Jameh fookin’ Cook, I’ve been tryin’ to reach you for weeks.”

“Oh god.”

“What?”

“Get off the fookin’ line-“

This sentence that slipped past him without the thought of how it could be hurtful - it caught everyone’s attention. Nick made a motion with his index finger, signaling to Kelly to wait a moment, then he removed one ear bud to listen in. Matt gave him a concerned look from the top bunk, swinging his head over the railing to give Jamie a knowing stare that this was not the way to approach whatever the situation was.

Alex…

Alex on the hand, seemed to stiffen for a moment, yet other than that, did not make much of an effort to listen in on the conversation or offer any type of advice.

It had been clear to the dark haired man who the person on the other end of Matt’s phone before Jamie even needed to announce it, he could tell by the way that the older man’s voice rose.

“Listen,” she whispered into the phone, “I’m callin’ you from work. I want to apologize about what happened at Hollywood Bowl. I wasn’t in the right mind to make those decisions, I was drunk, and I knew you were gay -“ Nick coughed loudly, since the speakers on Matt's phone were loud and allowed other to somewhat hear the conversation, blocking out the word ‘gay’, and leaving Matt confused as to where her sentence ended - “and I-“

“Fookin’ _delightful,_ innit then? But there’s nothin’ to talk about.”

“Jameh, _please._ I’m sorry. I forced meself on you and-“

“Hell you did, what was _wrong_ with you?”

He stood up suddenly, as he had been lying down before, all in an attempt to think clearer. Instead, he hit his head on the top bunk, cursed, and lay back down.

“Listen, Kateh, we’re done and that’s that. Glad you enjoyed Hollywood Bowl, ‘cause I’m not repetin’ that. It wasn’t right and we both know it.”

He felt a pair of brown eyes look up from their notebook, now curious enough to stop writing.

Jamie felt the vomit build up in his stomach and threaten to come out. He stood up, this time avoiding the top bunk and not hitting his head, and rushed out of the bedroom before anyone could comment or try to stop him. He pushed through the narrow hallway and into the tiny bathroom. The bathroom consisted of a toilet, a sink, a mirror that hung over the sink and a garbage bin. As Jamie locked the door behind him, he seethed into the phone:

_“That wasn’t consensual.”_

He felt although he was going to vomit. Before he could think of any other words, he heard her crying on the phone.

It appeared that she too, had locked herself into a bathroom of sorts, for now the background music and sound of people chatting was gone.

Instead, all he heard was the sniffles and coughs.

“It was, I _know!_ I – I thought you wanted me.. I mean, Jameh, I’m sorry. We became really close, close like how we _used to be_ , and I thought.. I thought we could be what used to be-“

“Well, I’ll never be that, not again. And not with you specifically, but in general; I don’t like women, Katie.”

Her tears seemed to be increasing, and after a good fistful of minutes, it clicked that her tears were not there for him to pity her, they were not there for him to see that she had not done anything wrong, since they both knew that she clearly had, no, they were there because she wanted things to be ok. He did not have to forget, nor did he have to forgive, she just wanted him to know that she was guilty and that she had not meant to hurt him in any way.

“Me feelins’ got in the way. I-I- _fook_ \- I’ve wanted you even after you left, because I’ve never _loved_ anyone like you... But... I know now that I can’t have you.. And tryin’ to won’t make things better. I’m sorry. Jameh, I’m so _sorry.”_

He had a moment to catch his breath, collect himself and stop the nausea. He needed a drink, or if anything, he needed a cigarette.

Katie took a few breaths, composing herself and attempting to speak in an easier tone:

“I-I figured it out. Why he was so mad. Alex… You’re with him, aren’t you?”

He was silent, his insides suffering from what felt like a fever. His voice was hoarse when he spoke, and she knew. She knew that he knew that she knew what was going on between them.

“What’re you talkin’ about?”

“I know you’re gay. You’ve told me... And it could only be with him. Why would he be textin’ you that he wants to shag ya, why would he be so mad when he walked in on us? He doesn’t like me, so the anger, or jealousy, or whatever it was must’ve been for you.. And I knew he punched the mirror.. Breana told me.. And I know that he cut things off with you.. Breana told me that too, she heard it in the car, but I pieced it together.”

“Oh..”

“She doesn’t know about it, though. Neither does Matt, so I’m guessin’ Nick and Kelly don’t know either.”

“…”

Nick knew, Kelly did not, though he was surprised that Matt had not grown suspicious.

“.. You’ve been seein’ him since ‘Humbug’, haven’t you?”

He cleared his throat, now there was nothing to hide anymore, since Katie basically knew everything, “I have, yes.”

“Oh.”

He replied rather pathetically, his voice filling up the room like steam in a glass container,“Yeah..”

“I didn’t see that comin’, in all honesty... You two being together...But at the same time, I should have… He’s always been a hopeless fool for romance.. And, after what happened, I think he’s just hurt...”

“He is. He hasn’t spoken a word to me since then... He doesn’t use his voice when referrin’ to me and its fookin’ painful...”- Jamie gave a self-deprecating laugh, as if mocking himself –“Like he’ll nod me way, text me, but he won’t speak to me… He’s become so _cold_ , an’ I know I deserve it.”

Katie was quiet, and it appeared that she was no longer crying, instead, most likely contemplating how to respond.

“This whole situation makes me want to chug a bottle of vodka.”

“Jameh, please don’t.”

*******

On October 19th, they were performing in New York City.

He had not anything alcoholic to drink since Hollywood Bowl, September 25th, 25 days. Not that he had been counting. He had stopped having his shot of tequila delivered backstage, sticking to bubbly water in a shot glass and to water on stage.

Off stage there were cigarettes that he would smoke, with Nick as his company. Nick was his “company” during a cigarette break, since Matt was nowhere to be found (most likely sleeping, because drumming sometimes made him tired), and Alex did not want to speak to him.

Nick had become aware of this, the fact that Al was ignoring the guitarist, yet he chose to keep Matt in the dark and keep the conversations between Jamie and Alex relatively easy going. Nick was considerate of the fact that Alex and Jamie were having some sort of difficulty between them, though although he could sometimes see it happening, he never asked about them being together.

Besides, what would that cause a conflict?

Yes, there had been moments in the past when the two of them seemed... Rather close, so to say, and at the moment that feeling seemed to be lacking. Still, Nick told himself that he would not question the argument, or the past, until he had proof of some sort of problem (or “problems”). Or at least until Jamie opened up on what was going on, yet he was in mood to pressure him into doing so and explaining the situation.

*******

Usually, Jamie was not one to recognize faces in the crowd, yet due to his lack of alcohol consumption, cigarette cravings, and occasional glances to the groups of people, he did.

He recognized someone. A girl. She had cinnamon hair, vibrant, full of life green eyes and defined cheek bones. Her nails were long and painted burgundy, while she wore a backstage pass around her neck.

He did not fumble with his guitar or his riffs, no, he was not a beginner guitar player who did those things, but the sight of her made him feel... odd. She had fought her way to the barrier, her toned body pressing against the metal fence separating the crowds and the bouncers from the stage.

 _“Alex!”_ She cried out, loud enough and at the precise moment, when there was a long enough pause for someone to let out a shout and be heard.

Alex turned around, his blue leather jacket catching the light and hurting Jamie’s eyes. Nick had begun his part, Matt followed and Jamie joined in. Blue eyes played their riffs; blue eyes grazed the scene between the cinnamon haired girl and the front man. She shouted something else, and Alex managed to hear her. He blushed and called out something, motioning to her backstage pass and throwing her a bold wink. Her expression burst into a smile, as Alex stepped back to the microphone, grasping the stand with one hand and leaning in, his lips hovered centimeters away from the head of the microphone, as his smooth voice filled the room.

Near the end of the show, Jamie could feel the heat radiating from the crowd and from the smaller venue, the lights now flashing from one colour to the next.

One minute they were red, the next purple, blue, green, yellow, then they repeated.. Or maybe the pattern changed?

People had snuck in alcohol; he could practically taste in on his tongue.

And people had brought in marijuana, the pungent smell heavy in the air.

As they played through _“Suck It And See”_ , entering the stages of their encore, the third last song before the concert was over, Jamie’s throat was dry and his mind was searching for alcohol.

The unfortunately painful familiar feeling of nausea that came with him trying to kick his vice came, and Jamie had to bite the inside of his cheek to push it away.

Alex on the other hand, although very much enjoying the atmosphere and the mood, was tempted to taste two things: first off all, he wanted a couple drags of the grass that someone had brought, and second , if he was truly lucky, or maybe just really high, he wanted to kiss the plump, pink lips of the cinnamon haired girl.

*******

They closed the gig with _“505”_ , and as the crowd began to part, the cinnamon haired girl was allowed backstage by one of the bouncers.

Jamie caught sight of her as he lit a cigarette with shaky hands and chugged back a can of coke.

He was with Nick and Matt, while Alex seemed busy, thinking of things to say to the girl before she got close enough to see how tipsy he was.

Alcohol did a funny thing to him, just like it did to Jamie.

Alcohol, whether it was the sweet-tasting liquor, or the strong shots of whiskey, made Alex Turner a very different man. He went from being a relatively introverted person, a shy lad, who wrote songs from an acoustic guitar and who found pleasure smoking on rainy days, to someone Jamie had trouble recognizing. Of course, the drunk Alex was not a stranger to Jamie. They, all of Arctic Monkeys and all their childhood friends, had begun experimenting with alcohol at fifteen, so this side of Alex was well-known in their friend group.

Still, he was different and at times this could become either annoying, or unintentionally seductive. Usually both.

Either way, in case it was unclear, he became a huge flirt; ready to slip out some profanities that made blood boil, prepared to buy a round of shots to get the number of some bird, and yet still being as polite as he was when he was sober.

He was different than when he was on drugs.

Alex high was a whole different story. When he smoked marijuana, he became tired and giggly, even more “dreamy” than he was on a regular day. When he snorted cocaine, he could become frightening and reckless (such as breaking mirrors), but it also gave his ego a tremendous boost, making him feel although he was on top of the world, and giving him the persona of being this overly confident rocker – which he was not. When he dropped LSD, he became a horny bastard. Jamie was unaware, of who it specifically made him aroused for, but Alex knew it was there - LSD made him horny for Jamie. Jamie, and everything Jamie had to give – his lips, his hair, his hands, his thighs, his neck, his collarbones, his cock, his voice, his moans, his pleas, everything there and so much more, the mere thought and soul of him.

That was why he avoided acid nowadays, he knew what it made him think and after the Hollywood Bowl incident, he was not prepared to go back to that. Now, with his mind pleasantly swimming in alcohol, he had his thoughts set on other things.

When she arrived in front of him, Jamie heard the way she chirped out her name, as if she was both flattered and genuinely surprised to actually be there and have a conversation with Alex.

Of course, in her eyes, it must have meant a lot – not that Jamie would disagree with that, being flattered or surprised. He had not been able to hold a regular conversation with Alex in ages, therefore, in a way he understood her reaction.

Alex tilted his head to the side, a sweet smile tugging at his lips as he spoke, “Sorry, love, didn’t catch your name. What was it again?”

She lit up like a Christmas tree, her voice brightening the room, “Arielle Vandenberg.”

“Ah, that’s a beautiful name.”

“Thank you!” Alex smiled at her, his eyes briefly checked her out, too fast for her to see, as he pulled out a cigarette packet from his pocket, “Mind if I..?”

“Oh of course not,” she said, “I smoke too, haha..”

“Oh…” The dark eyes glanced up at her as he lit the tip of his cigarette, done to make the mood thick and heavy like syrup, seduction, “Do ya? Want one?”

He shook the cigarette packet and she thanked him, selected one, and allowed him to light the tip.

They continued talking for a bit, while Jamie’s blood ran white hot through his veins, jealousy tinting his thoughts and his actions.

Matt was busy texting Breana, a smile plastered on his face as the light from his phone illuminated his features. Nick sensed some tension, and perhaps when he caught the way that Jamie puffed viciously on his cigarette and the way that the guitarist stared at Alex and Arielle, did he understand what was going on. It a matter of moments, the past three years made more sense than they ever had and all the puzzle pieces clicked.

Jamie and Alex.

Alex had been the boy Jamie had slept with in Joshua Tree, Alex had been the boy who he had been seeing on and off for roughly three years, and Jamie had been the reason Alex had broken a mirror. Jamie had shagged Katie in the washroom, and although it had not been consensual (judging by the muffled crying on Katie’s side of the phone and Jamie darting into the bathroom that faithful day on the tour bus), it appeared to have been the downfall of the couple.

So... they had dated...

Or at least had an affair?

The idea itself seemed murky to Nick, though he told himself that he could analyze the situation in more detail later in the evening.

“Jameh,” he spoke softly, nudging Jamie gently with his elbow, “let’s go back to the hotel. I’m tired, Alex needs to get a photo with Arielle, and Matt’s basically left.”

“Huh?” Matt piped up, now looking away from his phone screen. “What’re you talkin’ ‘bout, Mal? I’m right here.”

“I know you are. I’m just sayin’ that to get your attention –“Nick laughed and Matt smiled as he slipped his phone back into the back pocket of his jeans. Jamie was unfazed, his lips pursed as he rubbed his temples. Nick gave a slight sigh at the sight of the blue eyed man –“C’mon.”

 _“Arielle?”_ Jamie snapped, his eyes now darting away from the two figures farther away and back to Nick.“You _know_ her?”

“I caught her name, Jameh. Just as we _all_ did. C’mon. You need another Coke, _don’t_ ya?”

 _“Coke”_ , it has become the mutual slang term for “some sort of replacement for your alcohol.” In that case though, Nick was correct, Jamie in fact was in desperate need of another “coke”. To wordlessly announce that he was now ready to leave, Jamie took one last inhale of smoke, dropped the remainder of the cigarette onto the ground, stomped on it with the heel of his shoe, and exhaled, nodding his head as he did so and running a hand through his short hair.

“’Right.” Nick said, as he draped an arm around Jamie’s shoulders and Matt followed closely behind them, his phone out again, a bit preoccupied at the moment with a text from Breana. The bassist turned around as they began walking away, heading off the stage from the back exit that would eventually lead them to the front entrance (or “exit” in this case) of the venue. “Al!”

Alex turned around at the call of his name, his cheeks tinted pink as he had just successfully managed to make Arielle laugh and was certain he was on the right route to receiving her cell phone number, “Yeah?”

“We’re headin’ back, takin’ a cab. Call me when you head out, ‘right?”

Alex smiled, “Got it!”

Nick smiled back, tilting his head slightly to give a curt nod to Arielle who responded with a wave goodbye.

*******

As the week melted away, their Fourth Leg European tour began on October 28th, and it appeared that by then Alex had properly moved on from Jamie. Jamie could not fully grasp his head around the concept that Alex was now dating Arielle Vandenberg, the girl from their concerts.

He had managed to score her cell phone number and a rapid kiss the evening of their performance at the Music Hall of Williamsburg. After that, they had held several successful dates, before going public a few days before their European tour.

The media, it seemed, was also as surprised as Jamie was on the topic of the front man and his actress girlfriend.

Arielle was a Vine starlet who had her fame rise immensely after getting together with Alex.

Rumors spread that Alexa was jealous, hurt, or simply mad as they performed through the United Kingdom. Jamie wanted to message her and ask if she was alright, due to the fact that her recent photos showed that her naturally thin figure appeared smaller, yet he was on a leash, feeling although he could not and should not do that. He had ended up being the reason to her and Alex’s dramatic break up, therefore he felt although he could not text her on the topic of Alex and Arielle. It would be too painfully awkward and he was clueless when it came to dealing with discomfort, always late when it came to a reaction, with the reaction often being the incorrect one. In other words, he had the unfortunate tendency to make the situation worse.

*******

They spent New Year’s Eve in Oceania, specifically, Lorne, Australia.

The show had been massive, the crowds intense and very much excited, and alcohol and all other sorts of substances were flowing like water, readily available everywhere.

Mid-way through the evening, Jamie snapped. Hours ago, he had broken his clean strike. He had recently gone over a month without alcohol, and a few hours short of the New Year, he had broken whatever promise he had made himself to quit drinking.

Someone had brought beer backstage before their second gig at Falls Fest and he could not contain himself. Within a painfully short period of time, he had drowned five beers and there was nothing Nick could to stop him, Matt could say, and Alex was in no position to use either his words or his actions to end his vices.

They performed _"Brianstorm"_ and Jamie was very much buzzed, his face red and his clothes coated in sweat. He reeked of beer as he decided that his jean jacket was no longer necessary as he dumped it on the floor, while Alex was busy fixing his guitar pedal, about to perform the next song on their set list. Nick kept shooting Jamie the occasional concerned sideways glances from his position on the far right end of the stage. Jamie could not tell, but Matt could glance at him from time to time by the drum kit.

Alex did none of this, for he did not know what to say.

Not to be confused with concern, no, the younger man was very much concerned for Jamie’s well being, he was just as a loss of what to say and how to express it. Ironic, seeing as he was a lyricist. Alex was someone who was painfully dependent on using words to express his emotions, and when it came to Jamie he was tongue tied and high.

Yes, he was high.

Both in the sense that he was “out of it” and unsure of what to say when they were forced to speak, but he was also high at their performance at Falls Fest. Jamie was enthusiastically jumping and plucking his riffs throughout the whole, occasionally stumbling and more often grasping at the fresh can of beers that seemed to be everywhere across the stage. It was like a game – pluck his riffs, drown a beer, glance up occasionally, and repeat. He continued until his head was spinning and he realized it was not so fun anymore. By then, the festival was finished and they were in their tour bus, on route to the next city.

“Fffeel fookin’ sick,” Jamie would slur in the back of the tour bus, the occasional pot holes encountered on the road did not help his violent nausea, “.. ‘Fink I’m gonna vomit.”

Matt was the first one to throw him a plastic bag, as Nick was in the bathroom and Alex was in the bedroom, sleeping as he nursed his comedown.

“Shouldn’t have drank.” Matt said softly, as Jamie ran a hand through his hair and felt his stomach churn painfully. “I’ll get you some water.”

As Matt poured him a glass, Jamie called out, to no one in particular: “What you talkin’ ‘bout! Course I should have!... It’s New Year’s afta’ all, Matthhew!”

He raised his hands oddly, in an attempt to emphasize the fact.

“So? Is this a representation of how you’ll be for the next year?”

“Just have to wait and see, I ‘suppose.”

*******

Months blurred and Jamie felt in and out of his drinking.

True to his own word, he had to wait and see and if he would be either drunk or hung over for the rest of the year. So far, he had gathered that his alcohol consumption depended on where they were, who they were performing with, if there were performing with anyone at all, and what the day had been like.

By the time April rolled around and they were touring with The Black Keys, the harsh reality struck him that he in fact would be drunk and/or hung over for most of the year.

He had yet to hear from Katie, as things had calmed down by that spring and they could hold a civil conversation without Jamie clenching his jaw at the grim memory of her forcing herself on and without Katie picking at her nails and asking for a black coffee (something Jamie had realized that she drank when she was nervous).

Their tour with The Black Keys kicked off on April 13th, 2012, with them performing alongside the band at Coachella.

Katie was there; having purchased tickets just on time to see them, and Jamie could have sworn he saw her long, flowing blonde hair in the crowd a couple times before the alcohol hit him. He was drunk by the time he caught sight of Alex’s new girlfriend. Arielle had gotten tickets for the front row, as she always had when she had managed to see them, this time, accompanied by that bloke from Breaking Bad, Aaron Paul.

Alex was absolutely thrilled with his girlfriend, it seemed, and her friend group. Jamie would not deny it made him jealous, and he was especially open about this with Nick. The blue eyed man had more or less asked Nick before their tour with The Black Keys had been decided on what he thought on Alex.

Alright … He had asked him that, yet due to his intoxication, he had let it slip that he was jealous of the new couple. Nick, bless his soul, had not been a judgmental prick as Jamie had internally imagined (on the topic of formally coming out). Not that Jamie would remember much of that conversation the next day, but either way, the idea had felt warm and comforting – something Jamie was rather grateful for.

As soon as Alex caught sight of his love, he appeared to gain a spring in his step and a glow to his features.

Love had always been there to act as a “pick me up” in Alex’s case; when he was in love, he felt younger, once again eighteen years old, he felt happier, he felt although he needed less drugs and less liquor. Hence the fact that Alex was rarely drunk, high, or tired during his concerts in America – the front man always held a sliver of hope within him that told him that Arielle could be at one of their shows. She was always so … uplifting.

There was something about her, perhaps the shade of green that her eyes were, although the green had been left in mud for a bit (for it was green with specks of brown), or maybe, her sense of humor? Whatever it was, it made Alex light up.

He sang into the microphone, careful to not mess up, and easily pluck at his riffs and strumming at his chords.

When the opportunity arose and the lyrics were right, he would glance up and point at the cinnamon lock and green eyes, his words going along with the song, yet his mind shouting:

“Arielle, I love you!”

At one point, he sang the thought aloud, his voice brimming with pride and adoration.

His girl reddened and blushed shouting an “I love you too!” over the sound of the concert.

*******

Jamie could not shake the idea off of him that so much of _“Suck It And See”_ was based off of Alexa, and that now she was no longer directly involved in Alex’s life.

She had been his girlfriend of four years, and although he himself was responsible for their break up, he still found it odd that Alex had gotten over both of his previous partners so rapidly and replaced them with Arielle. He explained this to Katie backstage at Coachella, while The Black Keys performed their part for the concert.

The petite blonde expressed her emotion with a bold touch, by placing her hand over Jamie’s, “I think he’s becoming… a bit of a dick... on stage at least… Is it the hair?”

The movement had been bold, for both of them were still recovering from the countless mistakes that had occurred at Hollywood Bowl.

Still, Jamie sighed as he lit a cigarette and replied, “Eh … I don’t think it’s the hair, Kate. Think it’s just part of his stage persona, being a dick. But, I dunno, I think he’s tryin’ to seem cooler than he really is because we’ve – well- risen in fame.”

“It’s good that you guys are getting’ so much attention. This is your fourth album, after all. Allow America to love it –“

“- And Canada, “Jamie added, “were goin’ there May 9th.”

“Oh, of course, them to.”

“Yeah.”

Katie sipped her iced coffee as Jamie finished his first cigarette, crushed the bud in the blue ashtray on their table, and selected a second.

He was trying to not drink once again. This time, the act had become more difficult than his first time around. He suspected it was because he had drank more after he had relapsed, therefore his body had a stronger craving for alcohol and thus the nausea was more intense, as were the headaches and the sweating.

He had not had anything to drink for two days, and already, the symptoms were beginning to attack him.

He told this to Katie as well, and the model wished him well and told him she was happy he was trying again.

As he offered her a cigarette, to which she declined, Katie said that he could always try professional help if found he was struggling immensely. Jamie blew smoke above his head, and pursed his lips in a way that showed he was not too enthusiastic about the idea.

“Why’s that?”

“Why’s what?”

“Why’d you make that face, Jameh?”

“M’not too eager with all of this ‘professional help’ stuff… It’s not that I don’t believe in it, it’s just I hope I don’t have to go that far down the path to the point where I need professional help.”

“Well..” Katie began, running her index finger along her manicured thumb, “You’re sort of headin’ down that path at the moment. In all honesty, Jameh.”

He sighed, “’Suppose.”

Katie gave an odd laugh, “You’re... you’re like a professional pretenders of sorts, y’know? You pretend you don’t need help, but you do…”

She glanced up at where Jamie’s gaze had fallen. He had not even realized it himself, yet his eyes were on the distant figures of Alex and Arielle. He could spot them in the crowd, Arielle sitting on Alex’s shoulders, enjoying the view of the festival and taking selfies. “… You pretend you don’t love him, but you do… Even I’ve come to terms with that. You should too.”

Jamie turned as she ended her statement, rubbing the back of his neck as he exhaled clouds of smoke through his nose. He shut his eyes, as he wiped away at the sweat above his brows, flicked some ashes off the tip of cigarette, and replied:

“Even if I come to terms with it – which I don’t plan on doin’, I mean, why? He’s over me and with her. What would that do? If I accept that I still love him, that won’t help, it won’t change anythin’. He’ll stay with her regardless of how I feel about him. Y’know why? Because we’re _through_ , me and Al. No chance we’ll ever work again, Katie. He can’t even look at me straight, and it’s been – what – seven months?”

 _“Jameh-“_ she began.

 _“No,”_ he snapped, cutting her off, as he felt his blood pressure spike, “Katie, there’s no point in arguin’. We all know what the turn out will be.”

“Okay, _fine.”_ She snapped, just as irritated now, “Be stubborn.”

Jamie puffed on his cigarette and apologized. Katie accepted his apology, for that was the way they worked now. If one of them made a mistake, they would recognize what was wrong and apologize, while the other would (most likely) accept the apology.

*******

A week later and Katie was out of his life again.

She remained in California to shoot, while Jamie was now truly on tour with The Black Keys. He would not lie; the whole experience was cool and different, for they had never toured with a band like them. Not only were The Keys American (which made it interesting for them to compare cultures and customs), but they were rather popular in North America, therefore the crowds were vibrant and alive.

On the other hand, Jamie found he was struggling at a constant pace with his alcoholism. He had come to the conclusion, that when he was put in a situation where he could possibly drink, he would remove himself from the location, and (or) focus on drinking something that would keep him sober.

Still, a little bit over a week later, they performed in Broomfield, Colorado, and the guitarist remained sober. For that, he felt proud of himself – he had not had anything to drink while all his friends had. It had been odd sticking to several water bottles throughout the evening while Matt, Nick and Alex had their shots of tequila backstage and their beer on stage, yet he still managed and the whole thing made him want to shout out of happiness.

They were back at their hotel, the curtains blowing gently as the summer breeze slipped through the open window.

Matt was seated on the couch, his feet resting on the table, with his Polaroid slung over his shoulders. Nick was in the armchair, a can of beer in his hand as his cheeks were red from the alcohol. Jamie was on the loveseat, laying on his back and gazing up at the ceiling, engaging in conversation with Alex.

Yes, _Alex._

The whole fucking idea was shocking to him, and on the inside, he was wild. His heart was pounding wildly against his chest as his palms were all gross and sweaty. He maintained eye contact with the ceiling and the occasional laughing, sideways glance towards Nick and Matt, but that was it. Since Alex had started their conversation, only due to his drunk state, they had not had the chance to look at each other.

Alex was rambling on about some dirty joke as he stumbled and strolled through the living room. Occasionally, Jamie saw his hand rest against the back of the loveseat in order to steady himself, yet other than that, Alex was out of view. The dark haired lad kept fumbling over his feet and his words, not making sense in terms of what the joke was about. The fact that the joke did not make sense to a sober person was one thing, yet considering that the rest of the band was drunk, the room was roaring with laughter (since their either understood the joke or merely found Alex’s slurring amusing).

Alex suddenly cried out the pun and Jamie laughed, only because the pun itself was so poor.

Before the room could quiet down, Alex was slurring remainders of the joke, his voice going hoarse from shouting:

“Said pourr me one for tha fookin’ road! C’mon, Jameh!”

It appeared that when the dark eyes and the darker hair were under the influence, he seemed more carefree and forgiving. In his state of mind, the room was spinning and dazzled with shapes and stars, the Hollywood Bowl incident long lost and now forgotten in Alex’s mind.

“C’mon, Jameh,” He called out again, more intensely now, his voice cracking slightly and thick with laughter and joy, “c’mon, Cookeh!”

The front man was unaware of his own actions, as he tripped to the end of the couch, where Jamie’s feet stuck out slightly, slightly over the edge. With shaky hands and shaky feet, Alex climbed over the edge of the couch, his palms colliding against Jamie’s ankles and soon Jamie’s knees.

Nick had disappeared to the bathroom, and Matt was finishing his drink and preparing his camera.

Blue eyes released a grunt of surprise at the sudden weight of Alex’s body on top of his own, his breath catching in his throat and his words running dry as he felt Alex sit on his thighs.

“Jameh!” Alex shouted, and only then did Jamie realize how much Alex had to drink. He was not wasted, but he was not merely buzzed either. “Cookeh, you’re tha _girl_ and I’m the _boy!”_

He grasped Jamie’s ankle and raised it slightly, rocking his hips against the older man’s, as his Adam’s Apple bobbed with every sharp intake of breath and his quiffed hair trembled along with his sunglasses as he rocked up and down on Jamie.

The sight burnt of lust, but due to the drunken haze that occupied three-quarters of their band, the scene was merely platonic and humorous, something that would occur between close friends after too many cans were passed around.

Matt’s camera flashed and he cursed, snapping that the photo was poor and the lighting was off.

Alex released a sharp cry, “C’mon, _bebeh_!”

Jamie was unsure of whether or not Alex was toying with him or whether he wanted to Jamie to do something, but regardless, the guitarist thought “fuck it” and decided that it was safest to play along.

Raising an arm and pinching on Alex’s nipple through his shirt, he saw the flash of the drummer’s camera go off through his peripheral vision.

The Polaroid spit out the photo, as Alex released a hot moan past his lips, jutting his hips out as his sunglasses fell off his defined nose and to the ground. His glassy eyes hid none of his pleasure, as his arousal suddenly poked out through the dark denim of his jeans and jabbed at Jamie’s stomach.

Nick happened to enter at the precise timing. Being relatively sober and knowing all the troubles Al and Jamie had recently gone through, the scene he viewed reeked of trouble.

Alex was drunk, Jamie was confused (and judging by the way his lips parted and his free hand gripped violently against the edge of the loveseat, it appeared that he was trying to contain his emotions), and Matt was gasping for air through his fits of laughter.

The bassist viewed this as the good time to step in and be the voice of reason. He approached Alex and picked off his sunglasses from the floor, slipping them in the front pocket of his shirt, then placing his firm hands on Alex’s shoulders, detaching him from Jamie.

Softly, yet in a reassuring voice, he spoke to Alex, “Al, Al. Hey, mate, c’mon. Time to go, yeah.”

“Wait… What?”

“Yeah. Let’s go Alexander, time to get you back to your room. Haha… Matt, you too.”

Nick motioned to Matt on the couch, and Matt stood up and followed them through the room and out the door, aiding Nick with Alex.

The short haired drummer called out as they exited, “Goodnight, Jameh!”

“Eh – goodnight, Matt!”

He gave a sigh of relief as Nick closed the door after him – for Nick knew. He knew about him and Alex, and in all honesty, Jamie did not mind. Nick was empathetic and knew relatively well how to handle a situation, this being a precise example. He had removed Alex from the situation before something had gone wrong. After all, Alex had Arielle and if things had gone further, it would have only complicated things.

*******

Alex began talking to him afterwards. It had been a simple _“wild night, huh”_ to which Jamie had reacted with by simply staring at the other lad in shock. Alex had chuckled, patted Jamie’s shoulder and said quietly “I wasn’t that drunk to forget what I did, in case you were wonderin’”.

They were not romantic, that was evident, but they could at least be friends, could they not?

Alex had a clear sense of self, knowing that he now had a girlfriend and that even if he did not, it seemed that the wound was still to fresh for him to return with Jamie. And besides, after analyzing the Hollywood Bowl situation, he had no real right to have been mad at his ex-boyfriend.

He should not be mad at Katie either, because she had done it out of hurt and mis-lead emotions, nor should he be mad at Jamie, the victim.

*******

Roughly a year after, Arctic Monkeys plan the release of their fifth studio album, _“AM”_ \- the desired release date being in early September.

Alex had opened up about certain songs, though it was evident who his muse was at this period of time: Arielle. She was his _“Arabella”_ , the seemingly magic girl that drank Coke from a the glass bottles and was made out of sunshine.

*******

When the Brit Awards arrived though, Arielle was not there with him.

The rock star and his lady were going through some problems, and people did not miss this information.

The press, mainly online, had not missed the fact that Matt had brought Breana – now his fiancée- with him, Nick had brought Kelly, Jamie had brought Katie and Alex was alone. Jamie had stayed clear of the alcoholic beverages at the table, feeling Katie’s hand on his forearm in a reassuring way throughout the awards, wordlessly saying that she was proud of him and his long drinking strike.

He had now, not touched alcohol since mid-July of last year.

Alex meanwhile, had drank a hearty amount (which had resulted in his famous microphone drop and odd acceptance speech), but had remained has polite as he always was, nodding and saying that the reason Arielle was away was “because of the distance”.

No one bought that of course, after all, Helders’s girl, Breana, had came the same distance Arielle would have if she had shown up (from LA to London). They simply chose not to tell Alex so, for they did not want to increase whatever concern he seemed to be having with his girlfriend.

*******

By the time February was finished, change showed itself with both the increase in the temperature outdoors and Alex Turner’s relationship status; Arielle and Alex had broken up. The reasons why were never explained from neither sides of the parties. When Alex’s friends inquired, he would dismiss the topic with an “it’s difficult, I ‘suppose, and I’d prefer to not go into it.”

*******

November 15th, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. It was their last stop that was the chaotic rollercoaster that was their _“AM”_ tour.

The tour itself has held more shows than they had done it a while, with this year being their most packed both on and off the road. In their personal lives there had been some changes; Nick and Kelly had a son now, his name Hearst; Matt and Breana were planning some exotic vacation to the Mediterranean once the tour was done and Alex was still single, Jamie as well.

Of course, both of them had had their shares of respective partners across the worldwide journey, though neither of those partners had made it past one evening.

The South American were always the most entertaining and the liveliest, for that, Alex was thankful.

Recently, he had been smoking more than usual and drinking even more so (as a recreational thing, not to be confused with an addiction), growing “permanently tired” as he had said in an interview. Still, whenever they were blessed with such an amazing crowd as those that South America had to offer, it always made his eyes open a bit brighter, his dancing skills somewhat better, and his smile more genuine.

Yet, as much as he had enjoyed the show deeply, when it was done and they had left the stage, he was thankful that he could receive some well deserved sleep.

They retreated back to their hotel, the whole band and Breana.

They had all crashed in Alex’s room –until, of course, Nick had retreated back to his room to catch some sleep and Breana and Matt had decided that they wanted to get a few more drinks from the bar. This left Alex and Jamie alone.

Alex was feeling rather pleasantly buzzed, due a margarita he had snagged from the bar and dragged upstairs, and now he accompanied Jamie on the dark porch that gave them a view of the ocean and the flickering lights of Rio de Janeiro.

Alex pulled out a cigarette packet midway through their casual small talk, selected a cigarette and offered one to Jamie.

The mood had been relatively platonic, the same way it had been ever since the Brit awards. As Alex exhaled smoke through his nose, he bent forward and cupped his hand around the tip of Jamie’s cigarette, lighting the tip with a cheap lighter he had found backstage of some recent gig. As of late, everything had begun to blur… Though, for some reason, this moment acted the same way a lighter’s flame did. It illuminated the dark crevasses of the lyricist’s mind, burning and sizzling into his mind – he was unsure of why it did so.

As the cigarette tip began to burn and Alex saw Jamie inhaled the smoke (by the way his lips momentarily pursed and his cheeks hallowed), he removed his hand and caught sight of Jamie’s bright blue eyes traveling from where the flame had been to where Alex’s eyes now were.

“No need to _thank me_ , Jameh.” Alex whispered huskily, his voice heavy like stone yet smooth like silk and sweet to the sound of Jamie’s ears. It caused the guitarists’ naturally red cheeks to burn bright red, despite the dim lighting, and for him to slowly break eye contact. He puffed on his cigarette as he felt his blood boil and his heart beat faster, the conversation no longer platonic and now taken a more sudden turn.

“You didn’t have to light me cigarette… I could have done it me-“

Alex’s thin fingers laid his cigarette on the rim of a crystal ashtray, the tip still smoking. He exhaled what smoke remained in his lungs through his nose and seemed to lean in as he spoke.

Softly: “Jameh.”

Jamie glanced up at the sound of his name, his cigarette hanging from his lips, as he bit the inside of his cheek to contain his blush and fight the churn of lust that grew in his stomach.

 _“Jameh… “_ – Alex leaned in, his voice just like before, husky, as he lips were millimeters from Jamie’s ear, his breath warm and his voice tinted with a sensual plea. How he smelt of cigarettes, always of cigarettes –“D’you remember when I last said that, _love?_ ”

 _“Love”_ , oh Christ, oh _fuck._

The first time the younger man had uttered those words had been during the Humbug era, the memory still fresh in Jamie’s mind. It appeared to be just as relevant to Alex now.

“… Yes.”

The smirk burned on Alex’s lips, as he pulled away briefly, snatched the cigarette from Jamie’s lips, and whispered in his other ear:

“Jameh, I want to be honest with you, like before. I want to give us another shot, babe.”

His voice quavered in a way that made Jamie grip the edge of his plastic white chair once he uttered the word _“babe”_.

Still, the offer tempted him so dearly.

Alex pulled away, just as before, just as he always did, always prepared to entice. He exhaled smoke through the corner of his lips, then placed Jamie’s cigarette next to his own on the ashtray. As he returned to face the guitarist, his long gelled hair slipped into his eyes, obscuring his view.

With trembling fingers, Jamie reached out and brushed the longer locks of greased hair out of Alex’s eyes.

He allowed his hand to graze the side of his cheek softly, before pulling it away, unsure of his actions.

“Jameh?”

His blue eyes were on the floor, on Alex’s black dress shoes, “Yeah?”

“Can I try summat?”

Blue eyes flicked upwards; fast enough to catch Alex lean in.

He shut his eyes as he felt Alex’s lips press against his own and felt the familiar scent the darker haired lad carried with him surround him.

The kiss itself was not rough, they did not touch each other, nor was it deep.

It was slow, sweet and lasted long – when Alex pulled away, Jamie realized he already missed the warmth and the electricity that Alex seemed to make available in his veins.

He had missed kissing him so fucking bad.

The front man gazed at him from under his eyelashes, contemplating what to do, and resembling although he was restraining himself.

It looked like he wanted to kiss him again, and again, and again.

“Did you feel anythin’?”

Jamie felt a smile tug at his lips, “Let me answer your question.”

In a matter of seconds, there was the sound of plastic chairs squeaking against tiles and desperate whimpers passing Alex as he stood to meet Jamie’s lips.

Their bodies crashed against one another and Alex stepped all over his shoes, curling his fingers in Jamie’s short bowl cut and huffing into Jamie’s neck:

“ _Jameh, Jameh, Jameh, Jameh._ I need you, _God_ , so fookin’ much. And shite – I’ve _missed_ you in every sense of the word.”

They were a mixture of frantic kissing, long suppressed emotions and most of all, honesty.

"In that case, let me be yours."


End file.
